Feeling guilty !

I find myself doing a minimum amount of chores or tasks daily, wether I feel like it or not. Then there is my mother in law. She has told my daughter that I would feel better if I did more housework. Excersise does not count if it is not outside. I should not wear orthotics as it nearly crippled her. I should not take pain killers.etc

I am relieved that my f.i.l is well enough to travel again. They have gone to US for four days. I can walk around without fear of disturbing them. My husband is a plumber who is currently on call. I am jealous of his freedom and resent that he is away at least twelve hours a day. He also has his buddies. He came home at two thirty am last night. He went on a call at seven and called at 11:30 pm to say he would be having tea with his coworker. I finally called him at two in angry state of mind. Clearly, if tables were turned he would not be so cavalier . I do beleive it was innocent just completely inconsiderate.

I also struggle with guilt every time I eat something. Many of the drugs promote weight gain and I use cannabis as an anti inflammatory as I am allergic to Naproxen . It stimulates your desire to eat everything you see. I was underweight until recently now have gain a small amount. It is so hard to eat normal when you cannot exercise. It has rained all but two day in March. We also had significant snow and cold this year. All of which stopped my daily walks. The other fact is I am an insomniac . I am up by 5 or earlier, everyday. The universe insuring I don't miss a minute of this lol. So hard not to fill your boredom with food. Sorry for ranting , despite the only sun we have had in awhile, feeling so down. Another reason to feel guilty is Easter! I just have no strength to cook a big meal an entertain, even if it is family. So we are going out for dinner. But to be truthful that is exhausting. I know people cannot see our fatigue, pain but being in constant pain , not sleeping ...I do not want to put on a happy face.😞

I do wish you all the very best holiday , Happy 🐣

12 Replies

  • Yeah, I hear ya. A bit of advice for you, ignor your mother-in-law! lol

    The weather has been exteremly miserable where I live. I never knew my area could have a snow storm in March!...and it's been raining non stop since then...so frusterating. I'm usually out in the garden enjoying the sunshine in April...grr

    I too am finding it hard to "keep a stiff upper lip". I will be going back to work, (part time) and I can't fit into any of my clothes. I've gained almost 30 pounds. Holy cow is all I can say about the 30 lbs!!...I've been on sick leave for over a year and I gained almost 30 lbs...I'm still in shock about this....

    It's easy to fall into that "dark place" with the weather, the in-laws and the weight gain...but I refuse to. So should you. Your life has value. Please keep reaching out. Once your meds fall into place, so will your life.

    All the best to you


  • I feel for u most people just don't get it do they? I'm having the opposite problem , for example my daughter in law was concerned when I drove her to the airport yesterday over twisty roads she didn't want me to aggravate my painful shoulders and wrists (bless her) . It's nice to try to forget our problems now and then isn't it. I'm very lucky my wife and family totally get it .They have all read the literature and make allowances for my fatigue etc.

    I hope things improve on your home front soon.

    Regards Mike

  • Hugs darling,it is hard when people don't understand what your going through.|Does any of your family come with you when you go to appointments,if not why it would do them good to see why your on these drugs and why you feel like you. I feel bad because my dh does everything for me bless him i love him to death and yes i am very lucky to have him in my life.xxxxx

  • Have a look at the spoon analogy and use it to explain how you feel to others, especially your husband and daughter because they are the ones who really need to understand. A lot of people give their uninformed opinion about RA but it is completely from a place of ignorance and not them being intentionally hurtful. Have you thought about asking your GP for an antidepressant? If you are feeling down it will make your pain worse and vice versa. Also if you struggle in the winter months because of a lack of sun then a light box might help. As for ranting this is the place for it 🙂.

  • I do know how you feel . My family are very good, but I still feel very guilty. I try to pace myself as much as possible but still over do it and end up sore . I've put on weight because of inactivity , drugs and comfort eating ☹️ I do try to keep upbeat and positive and put a smile on my face , as i know my family worry. Try doing the things that bring you a bit happiness , reading , watch a silly movie or sit in the sun for a while . My hubby drives to places where there are nice flat parks for wee walks when its nice .i think there are little things that can lift you . Sending you lots of good thoughts and best wishes 💐💐

  • I have a similar problem with my mother in law. Have to say she's been very understanding about my condition (although tries to wrap me in cotton wool which also bugs me!) However she is very opinionated in most other areas including how I bring up my children etc which is so hard to bite my tongue! Treat your mother in law like a toddler - give her attention when she exhibits good behaviour and ignore her when she is not good!! That's quite sneaky that she says things to your daughter though....

  • Your kidding. You can't clean, cook, exercise...seriously?

    Of course you can't lol you have a long term chronic illness which is exhausting you ignore the old mother in law. She doesn't get it !

    However to me it sounds like your ra is not well controlled. You might need another drug or drug increase and if you are flaring steroids do help.

    I think maybe to help you a chat with your GP might help xx

  • I have to say reading this chain taught me I am not the only person fighting weight gain!! I thought I was. My husband kept saying relax. So what you can. It's mess. I thought he was just trying to comfort me but maybe he is right.

    Do I have to give up the clothes that do t fit any longer. I had hoped I could exercise more and lose the worthy.

    Your mother in law is ignorant. It's that old but you look good. Hummmmm. Spend a day in my body then we can talk about how you think I should feel.

  • It's hard to ignore someone that is in your face all of the time. It sounds like they live with you? I wish I could offer a good alternative, but I could never ignore mine either when she was alive. She knew just what buttons to push and exactly how hard to push them.

    Here's hoping you start to feel better soon. I agree with whoever said that it doesn't sound maybe like you disease is well controlled yet... Take care and try to relax, and maybe enjoy your nice Easter dinner, without having to do dishes..

  • Hi Damaged~I can totally relate to all that you said and I 'm so sad for you. About feeling guilty-I know-it's just awful! I've always taken care of everyone and me and I find it so difficult to ask anyone for anything but then feel SO guilty when things don't get done! I'm really trying not to but it's very difficult. I have a few members of my family who are always coming up with "new" ideas for weight loss, fatigue and sadness. They get angry if I don't "at least TRY" what they say. I want to scream "Don't you think I am trying/doing all that I can to feel better?!? Please look up RA symptoms, etc. so you can understand it before offering advice!" I've noticed that seems to be a big issue for us as well as unrelenting fatigue. This forum has helped me tremendously at times when everyone gets on my last nerve bc I know I'm not crazy or alone. Thanks to all of you for that!! And Damaged, we all know you're doing your best so just keep doing that and be sure to ask the "helpers" or doubters "c'mon! Do you seriously think I WANT to feel like this? Don't make assumptions about how I'm feeling!" I'm afraid that until they actually could, they just won't totally get it. Hang in there. There's bound to be some good days ahead!

  • Thank you Nantobryce , this forum has become an addiction. Until now the concern was weight loss, as I dropped to 100 pds. Now 120 pads and 5'3". Still in a size zero. My concern is how quickly I gained that weight. I have not been eating very much but no longer spend my day vomiting. Sorry do not know how else to say that. I say it is my body preparing for the next round lol. I may have given the wrong impression. I have so very much sympathy for the many patients I see with extreme weight gain. One in particular, is(was) a nurse. She has a rare form of Autoimmune that attacks her brain. She was so big and yet very fit and active despite the illness. The gain was all drug induced largely Prednisone. Many DMARD's also have that lovely side effect. So not only can we not excersise but must starve to prevent any gains. But today is a better day. The hockey playoffs have begun and I was able to sleep in the afternoon without guilt. The lack of sleep builds up and it becomes harder to cope. Ultametly we have no other option but to carry on as best we can. I will of course to happy when the holidays are done. Not the time to be eating chocolate.

  • I'm wishing you a very happy, relaxed, guilt free Easter!!

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