I think this is more an articulation for me than anything else - so apologies in advance if it is slightly incoherent!
Does it matter to anyone but me that this is my first ever quit?
So many quitters are flying, not me, I have failed again..
I have smoked again - currently I seem to be incapable of getting beyond a few weeks....I have been quitting since 5th Jan, this will be my 3rd flop.
I have no life trauma to blame this time, just personal weakness.
I'm kind of learning what my triggers are - bit by bit - but as I overcome one I succumb to another-----I am not even sure at the moment whether I create new triggers in order to find a reason to light up, I certainly think this is a possibility.
Cigarettes hang like a "cure all" solution over my life - I would also add, they seem to work too :mad:
I'm not even a stressy person - I go through life pretty chilled out in the face of most things.......has trying to quit changed me so much I can no longer cope? I would hope not!
I begin to see in myself a tendency to escalate previously inconsequential nothings into "reasons to break the quit"....
And I am now looking Day 1 in the face yet again.......
And I wonder - should I stay in this forum?
Personally I'm obviously not blind to the fact that I have not yet mastered my quit, but I also feel I am well on the way, and despite having a ciggie in my hand as I type, remain convinced I am on a quit path - I have smoked less since Jan 5th than I have since I was a teenager, so I'm kind of taking this as a success, and yet, here, I know, if I plonk myself back to Day 1, I will be posting a failure
The success of others, whilst being really fabulous on the one hand, only make me feel weak and inadequate on the other. Does it inspire me, or make me feel even worse? Remarkably selfish to not be able to answer that!
I have nothing BAD in my life like so many are having to deal with, and still I CAN'T make it.
People don't really fail here, they either make it or, seems to me, leave and disengage.....I certainly know in my time on this forum I will be a record repeater for Day 1 if I start out yet again! So that puts me smack bang bottom of class.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself here, I'm wondering why I am so uniquely BAD at this....
My quandary - how many times is too many in this forum?
What encouragement can I seriously expect when I am proving to be a serial failure?
Am I actually better categorised as "preparing to quit"? Maybe in the spirit of the forum YES, but this would make me smoke more - if that makes sense!
I don't want to retreat, but there are only so many times you can expect to be taken seriously and my scenic quit route must be starting to look like a round the world hike, and in the meantime, my fellow Jan starters are over the hill and faraway....
Where can I go so that "I only smoked 100 fags this year" is not completely rubbish? Even if it is........
Sigh - I am weary of testing others patience - I am not yet ready to think I am too weak to NOT make this but who would believe me? - I wouldn't!
To the external (non forum) world I am a shining example of a successful quit - what a hypocrite! I just figured not sharing my slips would be a way of keeping me on track after the slip ups, but it just makes me a liar, BIG SIGH.
Should I just go away - and come back and announce my success (should it happen) in a Month 1 entry?
Join in another name?
Find another place?
Even now, in my head the pull of smoking is so strong I'm thinking some of you are liars - you can not all have made it when I haven't!
I can not be the only one who is so SH*T at this! What is that about????
Don't even answer - ugly thoughts!
Think that's it
confused.com signing off