As you can see I'm still on day 1! It all went wrong when my eldest daughter came to visit. It seems that whenever there are ciggies anywhere near me I just don't seem to have the willpower to resist. I only had 3 rollies but I can't keep doing this.
When my daughter came home from school, she asked me if I had managed to not have one. I considered lying to her because I'm causing her so much pain and disapointment, but I've never lied to her and I just couldn't, not even to be kind. She got angry and said "It's Rachels fault, everytime she comes here you smoke"
I reminded her of what I have always taught her, and that is "We are all responsible for our own mistakes" I told her that it was my fault and if she was disapointed with anyone it should be me and not her sister.
When she was going to bed she hugged me and said "I understand that we are all responsible for our own mistakes and I'm sorry that I didn't support you enough. If I had helped you more, if I had tidied up and given you more help I know you could have done it. That was my mistake and I'm sorry"
Of course I reasured her and tried my best to remove the feelings of guilt that she is feeling and I think she feels better now.
I don't want to keep hurting her like this. I genuinely want to be a non-smoker, so here I am, chewing gum and trying again. Surley this will be the last day 1.
I feel like the worst mother EVER.
Sorry I keep letting you all down aswell, I swear I will do this one way or another.
Hope I'm not depressing everyone with my morbid posts.
Hopeful
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I can feel you are suffering inside. I think you should lighten up on yourself, guilt is a really distructive emotion it will make your stop more difficult. Give yourself a break be kind to the nice you who is trying very hard, but do this for yourself then your daughter will have the benefits.
Sending you positive feelings and caring, be good to you.
I agree re the guilt feelings. But, I would suggest you try and discover what is making you go back to them. It sounds to me like you are still seeing them as a reward or as something to be treasured and mourned. Giving up something that makes your life better if you like. If you are not mentally in the zone then you will potentially keep falling off the wagon, which will in turn make you feel less positive and more down and guilty and that is rubbish and not a way to live your life. xxxx
When she was going to bed she hugged me and said "I understand that we are all responsible for our own mistakes and I'm sorry that I didn't support you enough. If I had helped you more, if I had tidied up and given you more help I know you could have done it. That was my mistake and I'm sorry"
I feel like the worst mother EVER.
Hey hopeful, don't call yourself a bad mum, if your daughter speaks to you in that way then you have done a splendid job bringing her up. It is very normal to feel guilty, I have felt that way around my son for years. As long as you keep reading and learning about the addiction you will find the power to say no, perhaps your eldest daughter should be supporting you more, in the early days, by refraining from smoking when she visits rather than tempting you.
Good luck with the restart and with everything anyway.
for a couple of years in my life i couldnt wish-if u'v heard of th habit of putting a fallen eyelash on ur head and making a wish-i couldnt-i didnt want to wish for nothing-i flickd wishes away-in fact they didnt exist-i have the tackiest angel on my wall which says "A Time For Wishing"- it was the most ugliest pointless thing in the world-now it means so much to me-
as an adult i was incomplete those years-i lost a lot of my life-yes i had my sons, who wer little then and didnt know any better-wen one's children are small they dont see th problems that can consume their parents-i cut myself off from other adults-i didnt do adult things-and i'm not talking about sex-i mean adult stuff-as adults i need the contact of other adults in the real world-its essential for me as a human being-without fulfilling stuff in my life that tick my own individual boxes I feel incomplete-i was lucky enough to change things in my life and be able to wish again-i know now that i filled my life with th dopamine rush of smoking nicotine and other chemicals to fill me with something -without them i dont think i could have coped-
my brain had grown greedy of artificial dopamine rushes to get through-adversity can teach us so much about ourselvews so long as we come out the other side-
its too easy to fail-this hopeless case has failed many times-i understand wat it is to stare god in the face and demand that he explains the unexplainable things i have seen in this world-i know wat it is to be lost dude-
u must think about u-u need to find ur answers because the answers can be found-i said b4 that u'll be fine with the right help-hang in ther for now-reflect on ur experiences-ther is healing and strength to be taken from them-u need help to find the handled on the door to ur future-the future thats good and complete-one wer the past is worth while and can teach us how to live for now and all our tomorrows-
sorry for going on dude-this aint about sympathy for me-this is about me trying to give u an idea and for me to accept who i am and wer i have been-
Post on the forum with your thoughts and feelings just as often as you like. That's part of why it's here - to give and receive support at a difficult and trying time. Wishing you all the best.
As you can see I'm still on day 1! It all went wrong when my eldest daughter came to visit. It seems that whenever there are ciggies anywhere near me I just don't seem to have the willpower to resist. I only had 3 rollies but I can't keep doing this.
When my daughter came home from school, she asked me if I had managed to not have one. I considered lying to her because I'm causing her so much pain and disapointment, but I've never lied to her and I just couldn't, not even to be kind. She got angry and said "It's Rachels fault, everytime she comes here you smoke"
I reminded her of what I have always taught her, and that is "We are all responsible for our own mistakes" I told her that it was my fault and if she was disapointed with anyone it should be me and not her sister.
When she was going to bed she hugged me and said "I understand that we are all responsible for our own mistakes and I'm sorry that I didn't support you enough. If I had helped you more, if I had tidied up and given you more help I know you could have done it. That was my mistake and I'm sorry"
Of course I reasured her and tried my best to remove the feelings of guilt that she is feeling and I think she feels better now.
I don't want to keep hurting her like this. I genuinely want to be a non-smoker, so here I am, chewing gum and trying again. Surley this will be the last day 1.
I feel like the worst mother EVER.
Sorry I keep letting you all down aswell, I swear I will do this one way or another.
Hope I'm not depressing everyone with my morbid posts.
Hopeful
Hi hopefull so sorry to hear what happened and i know how hard it is when someone you know is smoking a cigarette.Ive failed many times on that situation. You watch them smoke and you feel like your missing out on something.It happened to me on last attempt and now remember how guilty i felt after smoking that cigarette.Your not a bad mother im sure...and your not depressing us either.Just keep writing exactly how you feel,as there is nothing wrong with that.I think you will do it as you seem like you really want it.imagine how good it will be when you and me are in the 1 month section.....Thats what i am striving for.
Hi hopeful, im just catching up on posts and would like to send you a big hug, not because i think your struggling but because i think you are a wonderful mother, you have a relationship with your daughter that is wonderful, you can talk to her, you explain things to her (how you explained about taking responsibility for your own actions), and you can see just how much you love her from your posts, this is not the actions of a bad mother, this is the wonderful actions of a good mother!
There would be so many people whom would love to have this kind of relationship with their children and you have it because you have made it, you have produced this bond between you and you should be proud of that, please dont feel guilty, everyone on here will help and i dont think you have let anyone down, you are strong and each time that you are trying to quit is making you stronger, you will do it, you can succeed, no one is ever a failure while they keep trying!
I think this time I have learned more than I have in all the other times. I've learned that I need to read more about addiction and why I still feel that I'm loosing something instead of gaining something. I've learned that I've got more determination than I thought I had and I've learned how to ask for help. That's something I've never been very good at.
I will have learned so much that by the time I've kicked this addiction up the bahookie (polite word for arse) I will be able to support other that will be going through what I'm going through now.
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