As you can see I'm still on day 1! It all went wrong when my eldest daughter came to visit. It seems that whenever there are ciggies anywhere near me I just don't seem to have the willpower to resist. I only had 3 rollies but I can't keep doing this.
When my daughter came home from school, she asked me if I had managed to not have one. I considered lying to her because I'm causing her so much pain and disapointment, but I've never lied to her and I just couldn't, not even to be kind. She got angry and said "It's Rachels fault, everytime she comes here you smoke"
I reminded her of what I have always taught her, and that is "We are all responsible for our own mistakes" I told her that it was my fault and if she was disapointed with anyone it should be me and not her sister.
When she was going to bed she hugged me and said "I understand that we are all responsible for our own mistakes and I'm sorry that I didn't support you enough. If I had helped you more, if I had tidied up and given you more help I know you could have done it. That was my mistake and I'm sorry"
Of course I reasured her and tried my best to remove the feelings of guilt that she is feeling and I think she feels better now.
I don't want to keep hurting her like this. I genuinely want to be a non-smoker, so here I am, chewing gum and trying again. Surley this will be the last day 1.
I feel like the worst mother EVER.
Sorry I keep letting you all down aswell, I swear I will do this one way or another.
Hope I'm not depressing everyone with my morbid posts.