Very shamed please help

[Finderintrusive]

I am explaining full information I was diagnosed by OCD 2 years ago I have religious OCD and sexual thoughts about family members and arousal to these thoughts I am taking treatment from a psychiatrist but some days ago I was sleeping at my cousins house and I didn't want to sleep there because I have fear to attract or sexual thoughts to my cousin that something intrusive I will feel. And i feel by some behaviour and thought that she is attrcted to me and many time I feel same for others I think This could be my OCD. but I had to sleep at her house but I didn't want to sleep.her bed was Besides my bed and late night I felt arousal and attraction to her boobs and feel to touch them it was very deperessive for me and I was scared from inside by this thought of mine that I wants to touch her boobs. I feel arousal to her and she was in sleep my hand and body was trembling but I am feeling attracted towards her. so many thoughts was running in my head that what if I touch her boobs? can I touch? Do I want to touch her? I thought that this is OCD and I will tell to the doctor about this let's touch but a another thought was that I wants to take this action by making OCD an excuse, because in OCD there are only thoughts, no action, but I am going to take action, so I am the wrong person, I am the one who is really attracted because I can touch her boobs and I am going to touch. so many thoughts was running in my head and I felt scared inside and my arousal took control of my mind and saying just touch We will solve this problem later and my mind lost control with high anxiety .And acting as I am sleeping i placed my hand on her boobs but because of blanket I can't feel touch and I tried to remove the blanket from her boobs and tried to touch her boobs but could not do because my hand palaced on her neck not on boobs and she changed her stance I thought that what if she got to know about it and she might have felt very bad. and I felt very guilty that what have I done, if a brother does this then what can be worse than that and I thought that I am a very bad person. believe me during this whole process I am not enjoying this process I was very scared and feeling like crying and I was already scared to sleep at her house. I am feeling a bit different also I was aroused and after this in huge guilt I tried to sleep and in the morning I speak to her that I have a habit of talking in my sleep and moving my hands and legs (which is truly my habit) so did I talk in my sleep? To insure that if she know about the incident of night, So she would think that all this was unconsciously in my sleep. But after it became clear from her face and conversation that she did not know anything about this incident.

So is it OCD or not?

I am worry about what if this is not ocd and I feel if this is not OCD and it's mine I should do suicide

[Finderintrusive]

And i also suffered form many phase of OCD like hocd and many other now I am in this phase that I described above

[vencedora]

As you yourself described below that you have had many other phases of OCD, this is just another symptom of this disturbing thing that we live with, do not give up on your life, with psychiatric help and medication you will overcome this too. Stay strong, everything will be fine!

[Finderintrusive in reply to vencedora]

What about my action that I really did

[RaspberryIceCream in reply to Finderintrusive]

I know this is really scary and really terrifying to you, and my heart goes out to you. There is such a thing as fake arousal, also called arousal non-concordance. The thing with OCD is that it likes to play tricks on our brain and makes you question if it is OCD or something else. The safest bet is to always assume it is OCD and treat it like that. By that I mean acknowledge the thought, feeling, and/or sensation that it is happening. And tell yourself maybe, maybe not. In your case, saying, maybe, maybe not, I am sexually attracted to my cousin, but I will never know 100%. Because by looking for reassurance and giving into compulsions, you will make this stick longer with you than it needs to. Unfortunately, this is one of those things that you need to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and the uncertainty of never being able to know 100% if you are attracted to your cousin. The fact that you are worried, concerned and freaking out shows that it is OCD and that is why you are focusing so much on it. Because OCD always attacks what we care most about. I promise you that you will get through this. I think it is amazing that you have a psychiatrist. I think it would also do you some good to find a therapist who specializes in CBT and ERP. They will be able to help you sit with the uncomfortable thoughts and not have OCD affect your life so much that it prevents you from enjoying life and worrying about going places (behavioral aspect). Additionally, Rodgers Behavioral Health is all across the United States, and they have an amazing OCD program that can also help you if you are having a hard time finding a therapist.

Here is a credible source that you can read more about arousal non-concordance: treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/...

[vencedora]

If it was something you really wanted to do, you wouldn't be feeling so bad and guilty right now.