Had a meltdown in front of coworker - she's avoiding me now

[pfnascimento]

Well, I don't know what to do.

We had this weekend event at work that was 2 days long and left me completely exhausted mentally. I've said a few impulsive things at the end of it but nothing I thought too bad, just I was not great at controlling myself at the time. I expressed my irritation at not winning the team building games (which earned me a visit to my boss' office next Monday, I'm not really sure why) and made (what I thought was) a compliment to my coworker that I thought was positive.

Apparently she didn't take it that way and was, and I quote "really sad all weekend because I had hurt her feelings". I immediately explained that it was supposed to be a compliment and all.

Next day I wanted to further explain that I sometimes could be a little vague and give the wrong impression and asked her to please tell me if I inadvertently said something that is hurtful, because it's not my intention. I emphasized that of course it was her choice but explained that I never really meant any harm. For context my doctors suspect I'm autistic as well and I can really say dumb things without meaning to. I won't really know if people don't tell me but I fully understand that they are not obligated to put up with me. As I told my therapist people have empathy for people who are physically sick but none for the mentally unwell. Not that I expect it, that's why I never disclose my mental health issues.

However, and to get back on track, I was so overwhelmed that I had a full on meltdown. I cried and raved and begged her to forgive me. Other stuff in my life was going wrong at this time. My brain couldn't cope.

I must have freaked her out enormously because while she said she still liked me and that it was ok, and we were good, she's stopped mostly talking to me and gives short answers whenever I talk to her. Doesn't look my way.

I believe this means she doesn't want to interact with me in a friendly matter anymore, correct? I'm a bit sad, I kinda like her, but if this is what she wants, distance, I don't mind giving it.

Except I can't tell if it's really it or if I am the one being paranoid. As those with OCD tend to.

Any suggestions? I'm literally afraid to talk, lest I say something hurtful.

Thank you.

[deValentin]

Maybe you "freaked her out" with your "meltdown", as you suspect yourself. Only with the passing of time, you may hope to renew the relationship as before.

[80_Zil_ian]

I would like to tell you that she will forget and things will go back to how they were. But I think this is unlikely, and you shouldn't burden yourself with high levels of anxiety waiting for a positive reaction from her.

Everyone makes mistakes, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. In the end, co-workers are just co-workers—they come and go. Don’t punish yourself by waiting for her reaction, because you can’t control how she responds. You've apologized and tried to explain—end of story. Now it’s up to her, and you shouldn’t expect anything because she has her own reasons if things don’t return to how they were before.

It’s true that people generally lack empathy for those with mental health struggles, simply because they can’t imagine themselves in a wheelchair or bedridden forever. For most of us, serious physical issues don’t feel like a real threat. However, many people do fear losing control of their minds or actions and being judged for it. Believe me, a lot of people are mentally unwell these days, which is why they struggle to show compassion when someone else’s struggles are visible—they don't want to see themselves as the next in line.

Try to care less about what she’s thinking (trust me, she’s probably thinking much less about it than you are). I know it’s hard to put that into practice, but trying is the only way. I also hate disappointing others and feel awful when I leave a bad impression on someone. But when I feel like that, I remind myself of cops, polititians, nurses, and even car salesmen—imagine if they got upset and overthinkers every time their actions negatively impacted someone.

[pfnascimento in reply to 80_Zil_ian]

Thank you very much for this. You are right, I know. It's just I can't help to overthink you know how it goes 😅

[Melhaves in reply to 80_Zil_ian]

Well said👏🏻

[Pepito21]

I don’t comment often, but this time I’ll do. Please, keep living your life. If she dislikes you now, who cares. She can ignore you or not, who cares. She’s not that important. If they don’t want to interact with you, they aren’t that necessary in your life. Don’t waste your time begging people for their attention. It’s useless and they’ll see you as someone who needs others’ validation, which could lead them to manipulate you easily since they may notice how much your happiness depends on liking them. Love yourself and go to work without looking at her. Don’t interact with her if she doesn’t do it first. Show her you can live without her. If she’s freaked out, she may be feeding her ego reminiscing what happened, so let it go and have a nice day. As I would think if I was you, “she can f*** off and let me in peace”. Sometimes you need to have a bit of an attitude to keep going on.

[pfnascimento in reply to Pepito21]

Thank you! 😔 I'm a people pleaser and not knowing if I'm doing/saying something weird is pretty stressful. I'll admit my meltdown freaked the woman out, possibly, but I also don't think I did anything that awful. I guess I'll do this, because you're right, I just need myself and people who accept me. As long as we can work in a professional manner, I should just move forward. I just have this obsessive need to ask her if we're good, all the time, which would possibly put the nail in the coffin of this relationship (already probably nonexistent). I really dislike this OCD and validation thing.

[Pepito21 in reply to pfnascimento]

I understand what you’re feeling. But again, don’t ask her anything and keep going on. Time heals things like this one you have experienced. Talking doesn’t work sometimes, but silence and time does. Show her and everybody else that you are somebody who doesn’t need anybody’s validation and constant attention to be happy. Show them what a good worker you are! Live your life and don’t let OCD win. 😉 Now, I would suggest you not looking for anybody’s else validation about this topic over here or that could be considered a compulsion, and we don’t want that!

[Coffeelove4444]

both above comments are excellent!! Keep pushing forward and don’t look back. 😀

[Epril]

I believe I'd had similar experiences. It's so hard to want so bad to explain yourself and your actions and make everything better, make people like you. I've struggled with this all my life. I want friends so badly, and I have had several good friends. I continuously work on not needing so much validation. It does scare or push people away and makes them think you're weird or just "too much." I had a tiny disagreement with a woman from church 4 months ago, and I still am obsessing about it. Ugh. I just try to take it lightly and remind myself that she's not even thinking about it anymore and that I am strong and can handle my emotions. Yes, as time goes by the emotions get easier to deal with. I think you just stay out of the co workers way, in a casual way. Be friendly and cool if she talks to you. It's her choice to do what she needs to do to feel comfortable. Gosh, social stuff is so tiring! Hang in there!

[pfnascimento in reply to Epril]

I hope you're feeling better and that your relationships are all mended. I understand you completely but we are actually so much stronger than most people. We're at war everyday and we still manage to look composed .I am proud of all of us 😀

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Just want to share I have been there with something similar. Don't lose sight of your whole life, the big picture, we can get sucked into this one incident and feel terrible. Compassionately tending to your own hurt parts of yourself that carry shame, fear, anxiety, sadness might make a difference. Radically accepting the feelings and being there for and with them with kindness. Then focusing on what you want to do with your time and energy. Maybe some radical acceptance of "Oh well, she may not like me. Her loss." Sending you a hug. You are lovely and human and it hurts to be misunderstood. 🥰

[Maxruff]

The hardest part for me is when I think someone is mad at me and I can’t shake this horrible feeling in my body like I’m in danger and I can’t tolerate it. That is how it manifest for me, it feels cataclysmic. Thus, I get it! It’s not easy to just turn away from something like that when you have an overwhelming OCD/anxiety response. Just to say I get it and hope you feel better relatively quickly. I keep reminding myself that these feelings do pass and they will pass more quickly if I try not to latch on to them.