Did I Harm a Woman I Met on Seeking Arrangement?

[Maximus2019]

Sorry in advance for the subject matter of this post as it involves an escort arrangement I had with a woman. I have been hesitating about posting, but decided to since I need help.

A couple months ago I met a woman on Seeking Arrangement and we went on a date at a Casino. There was an immediate attraction on my end. We only spent about an hour or hour and a half together at a restaurant there for drinks after she played a few slot machines. She claimed to be Bulgarian and that she moved here ten years ago when she was 13. She also claimed to have studied computer science and could talk enough about programming so that I, with my layman's knowledge, thought it sounded legit. She told me she had her own business which helps companies integrate AI into their business, and she later even sent me a website for it. I looked her up online and saw a website with her picture advertising her web design services. I quickly realized that this is most likely all a fraud, and that's she's developed a persona like Elizabeth Holmes or the lady from "Inventing Anna". When I asked her how to say "how are you" in Bulgarian she could not even do so.

Nonetheless I did not care because I was very attracted to her, and I wanted to have something physical with her. She reminded me of my former neighbor who is Bulgarian and looks very similar to her (same blond hair, etc., except the one I went on a date with had died her hair). I could never flirt with my neighbor because our daughters had been friends and I was friends with her husband, but I thought that I could harmlessly play out my fantasy with the Seeking woman by pretending she was my neighbor.

She took an uber home that night which I paid for. We followed up by texting each other but then she stopped texting me. I got anxious that she was no longer interested but it turned out she was just busy. To make a long story short, we had agreed on the financial terms of our next meeting which would involve me giving her something if we just had drinks, and me giving her something more if we would go back to my place or hers after (but we also agreed that if either of us wanted it to be just drinks and ended up not having the energy for more, that there would be no obligation on either of us to do more). I ended up realizing that this is wrong of me to do, that I shouldn't be wasting money like that since, among other things, I was trying to save up to take me and my brother, who has been working very hard, on vacation. A few weeks later I kept thinking of her and I changed my mind again and reached out to her. This time we had plans but she was the one who changed her mind. She actually just blew me off by not responding to my text to confirm our meeting. Eventually she texted me back saying she wasn't feeling well, but it was later in the day. The chase drove me crazy and I couldn't get her off my mind. We set up another meet but this time I cancelled again and promised myself never to meet her again and to stay away from Seeking Arrangement forever. My last message to her was a polite message saying that I think we should hold off for a bit so I can get things together with my work.

A few weeks later, when I was doing great in my life, she messaged me unexpectedly. This time I couldn't resist and we met with the same financial understanding as we planned before. I came to pick her up and we decided to go for a walk. I noticed soon that there appeared to be distress in her eyes. Her expression wasn't the same as it was when we met for drinks the first time at the casino restaurant. She had told me that she had been tutoring programming to children, but that she lost her job a few days ago because, instead of showing up to work, she went to the ER after getting an earing stuck in her ear. I immediately thought the whole thing was suspect and worried that she might be doing drugs. Something was out of place, but whether or not it was drugs, or whether it's my OCD assessing too high of a likelihood to her being on drugs, I'm not sure. She was still attractive to me though. During that walk I had now debated with myself on whether or not to ask if she wanted to do the second option which was to go back to my place. Because it would involve a higher payment, I worried (not because I'd be spending more money since I wasn't concerned about money that day as my work was going well) but was concerned that with a higher of amount of money she could buy more drugs (if she was doing them) and overdose. One side of me debated with the other- the side of me that really wanted her said to the other side that you waited all this time and had all this obsessing over her- now you are finally here and are going to back out? I also told myself that if she is doing drugs, she can get money from someone else if I back out, and can also get drugs even if I give her the smaller amount that I already agreed to just for the first part of our meet. The side of me that wanted to be with her won the debate and I asked if she wanted to go back to my place. She at first said no but I convinced her by saying we could just have drinks and didn't need to do anything more unless we both wanted. We did go and have drinks and did end up having sex.

I enjoyed the experience with her and have a big crush on her still. I've been feeling guilty for the past two weeks though that what if I exacerbated a drug habit that she might have. What if she used that money for drugs and either overdoses from that use, or her use leads to further drug use which one day leads to an overdose, and that without the money I gave she never would have overdosed? Even if she was doing drugs before, what if she would have recovered eventually without getting the money from me? Part of me tries to go easy on myself saying that I tried not to meet her but she called me and I couldn't resist, but the other part of me says I was just being weak. A second separate issue in this post is that there was a brief period, like five seconds, during our walk, where I was actually turned on by the thought of taking advantage of her while she was on drugs or seeking them. I have been feeling terrible about having that thought. It quickly passed, and I felt bad about it right away. When we were actually together in my place I wasn't thinking of it. Even during our walk I wasn't thinking about it except for those five seconds. For most of the walk I was debating with myself. I don’t know whether or not that fleeting thought is similar to the “groinal response” feeling/thought that some people with OCD get which they feel very guilty about, or whether it means that I am a bad person.

I can't concentrate at work lately because of this guilt, and have been having trouble socializing with people. I am thinking very low about myself right now and wish I had the strength not to meet her when she reached out. Everything was going well for me until then- I was in a state of peace, and work was going well, and now it's all guilt and uncertainty. Did I likely cause harm to her? Is it OCD to she was on drugs based on the look in her eye and on her having lost her job from being in the ER? People on drugs are often in the ER, and the story of the earing getting stuck in her ear sounds made up (who gets an earing stuck in their ear?). Also, am I a bad person for being turned on about taking advantage of her? She messaged me yesterday asking to meet again but told her I couldn't for a while because of work although I really wanted to meet soon (I just made an excuse since the real reason is that I worried about enabling her).

Lastly, is it OCD to not meet her again solely because I worry she is on drugs?

Thank you.

[LuvSun]

Oh Maximus2019- I can tell by your post that this is REALLY bothering you. I am so sorry that you are going through these feelings right now. I know how the OCD can really make you ruminate on what was the right thing to do, being a good person, etc. Just the fact that you are torturing yourself over this let’s me know that you are a good person. You are not responsible for causing any harm to her. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. Don’t let the OCD guilt trouble you so much even though I know it is hard.

[Maximus2019 in reply to LuvSun]

Thank you so much. Should I avoid meeting her in the future solely for fear that she will harm herself?

[LuvSun in reply to Maximus2019]

No I don’t think you should quit seeing her just because you have this OCD fear of harming her. If in fact you did find out that she is using drugs and going down the wrong path and your monetary support is providing this then I feel like you should back off. Maybe try and find out if in fact what you believe is true?

[Maximus2019 in reply to LuvSun]

I appreciate it.

[SCC1]

Hi Maximus2019. You shouldn't blame yourself for her getting more drugs IF in fact that would be true. If she didn't get the money from you, she would have gotten it from somebody else. You did not do anything wrong. Like LuvSun had said, this person is an adult and is responsible for her own choices.

I don't think you are a bad person for getting turned on at the thought of taking advantage of her. You didn't like that thought and you didn't act on it; it was just an intrusive thought.

And I believe we (people), all have some kind of thoughts that are uncomfortable (not including OCD thoughts). That is just human nature, IMO, to have a thought that we may find unacceptable to us sometime in our lives.

As long as we don't purposefully hurt others, I think we are good people who happen to have a problem with the way our thoughts go (as far as the OCD is concerned). That is not anyone's fault.

So, please don't beat yourself up for what happened. Again, you did nothing wrong.

xx

[Maximus2019]

Thanks very much SC! Your and LuvSun’s responses are helping me to move on from this.

[SCC1 in reply to Maximus2019]

I'm glad to have helped.

[Hidden]

OCD is the doubting disease and flares up in gray areas. There were a lot of gray areas here--you don't know whether she's being honest with you or what her actual situation is, and there was a lot of cancelling and rescheduling on both sides, which can lead to mind-reading and imagined scenarios. I can definitely see why this caused you to spike. I do think you should be as kind and respectful as you would be with any of your friends and make sure to use protection so she doesn't get pregnant.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. Yes this is definitely filled with gray areas and unknowns.

[JediYoda]

Hi

I see you have posted on another forum. Be cautious about seeking reassurances. It never works for OCD. There will also be a ‘but’ in your mind.

[Sallyskins]

It might be helpful to accept that if you give someone money, they may use it for purposes you don't approve of, including drugs. That's their business.

Also, it should be borne in mind that some prostitutes do use drugs, and go on 'the game' to feed their drug use, or use drugs because it numbs the pain of prostitution.

It may well be that her story of a stuck earring is true, but you have to understand that this entire relationship is a fantasy - she's not going to tell you the truth always, either about who she is, what she does, or why. The prostitute-punter relationship is not based on reality - she is understandably likely to want to cover her tracks, and is under no obligation to tell you the truth.

This is a fantasy relationship - she tells you what she thinks you want to hear, and you claim to have a crush on her but have no compunction about dumping her.

Remember that you can't control her life choices. She may be on drugs or she may not be. The earring story may be perfectly true, or not. She owes you nothing. Having OCD is like having a little imp sitting on your shoulder, whispering doubts into your ear.

And please remember that she is a real human being, not just someone there for you use when you choose.

[Maximus2019]

Thank your resopnse Sally. I am worried about what you said that she might be doing drugs. The last few days I had started to get over this but now I am thinking based on what you said that maybe she did poison herself with the money I gave her. Also, I am worried now because, unless I misunderstood you, you thought I used her. Why did you think that if that's the case?

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

I didn't mean to add to your worries - just that it's possible. But that doesn't mean she is using drugs. The earring story sounds plausible to me, and there are many reasons why someone might go to the emergency department. I haven't got any statistics, but I should think that drugs is just a small part of any emergency department's work. Alcohol, I should think, takes up a lot more of their resources.

As for using her - this is what punters do when they purchase the services of prostitutes. For all the stuff about women choosing to do what they want with their own bodies, few women, very few indeed, actually choose prostitution as a career or lifestyle. Some are trafficked; some are coerced; many others have limited options when it comes to earning a living. It's becoming increasingly common, I'm sorry to say, for women to feel they have no option but to turn to prostitution to pay for their university education.

I'm not blaming this woman for a moment; rather, I'm trying to point out that this way of obtaining money might not be her preferred option. This sort of arrangement is often thought of as 'no strings', but it really isn't. This sort of arrangement mimics a real relationship (in fact some men will pay extra for the 'girlfriend experience') but it isn't based on mutual trust and affection. It's a business transaction, and it's rare for the woman to be in control of the deal. The pretence that it's a normal relationship is part of the fantasy that the man is paying for, and it just muddies the waters.

Giving someone money, either free gratis and for nothing or for a service, doesn't usually give you control over what they spend it on. To be honest, I would be rather surprised if she is a drug addict; she is most likely spending the money on rent, groceries, bills etc. But I'm afraid that that is a doubt that you must learn to live with if you continue with your 'arrangement'. Dealing with OCD - 'the doubting disease' - involves being able to live with uncertainty.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Ok thank you for clarifying. I told myself to stay away from that website in the future.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

How about finding a woman who actually wants to be with you because she like you and cares for you, not because you're paying her? It doesn't have to be a 'heavy' relationship if you just want some fun.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

I agree that relationships of the kind people have on Seeking Arrangement come with problems and I’d rather stick with regular dating relationships. I used the site as a temporary escape.

[Maximus2019]

The other question I wanted to ask is: just for the sake of argument, assume she does drugs. What are the chances that she overdoses one day BECAUSE of the money I gave her (as opposed to what she got from someone else. Similarly, what are the chances that she overdoses when she wouldn't otherwise have if had I not given her the money. I even worry that the money she got from me (even if she's getting money from others) may cause damage years from now. For example, maybe that extra amount will keep her from quiting, whereas had she not had the extra amount from me she would have eventually followed a different path in life. Even small changes in someone's life can have drastic influences on their destiny- e.g. you decide to go to a party one day and meet your future spouse there, or you miss a bus and end up finding money on the street. What if the money I gave her puts her on a path that leads to destruction, and the path she wouldn't otherwise led would've led to recovery? Thanks

[SCC1 in reply to Maximus2019]

It is still her choice what she would do with any money. If you had given her money and then someone else did, why would the money you gave her be any different than the person after you?

You will probably never know what she uses the money on. If you keep questioning it, it will only lead to more rumination.

I would just try to accept that whatever she would do with the money you had given her, is something that has been done and there's no reason to look back.

You said you are done with the site, so I would leave it be. It really doesn't matter what she does with the money. Again, it is her choice and you have no control over what she does with it.

xx

[Maximus2019 in reply to SCC1]

Thanks SC. "If you had given her money and then someone else did, why would the money you gave her be any different than the person after you?" Because even if someone else gave her money, getting money from an additional person (me) could mean getting extra drugs, and that extra amount could lead to overdose. I and the other person would be equally reponsible in that case for jointly contributing to the problem. This is a simplified version of how I worry things could play out- maybe in reality she got money from me and more than just one other person, but by having me contribute it brought her over the edge.

[SCC1 in reply to Maximus2019]

You don't know if she is or isn't using drugs. If she is and she's that dependent on them, your money wouldn't make a difference. Your money is no more important than someone else's.

If you think you are contributing to her possible overdose, I don't think so. Just because you gave her money, doesn't make you responsible for what she does with it.

If she's doing drugs in the 1st place, she didn't start with your money. So whatever path she's on now, that is not your fault or your responsibility.

[Maximus2019 in reply to SCC1]

Right the logical part of my brain thinks the same, but OCD has been bugging me about it. I appreciate your help.

[SCC1 in reply to Maximus2019]

I'm sorry I couldn't help more. I hope you can find peace soon.xx

[Maximus2019 in reply to SCC1]

No you have been very helpful! I am much better now than I was a few days ago.

[SCC1 in reply to Maximus2019]

I'm glad! Take care