Today I met with a woman who I met recently online and we had sex. I felt that she enjoyed the foreplay part, but when we had intercourse, I felt she was a bit uncomfortable. I feel like I didn't go gradually and that I was a bit too rough. I feel like I went too fast and didn't really give her a chance to be ready. She didn't say anything, but I feel she was just being polite. From her facial expression though at one point I feel like she may not have been comfortable.
The worst part about this is that for a few moments I actually enjoyed the idea of her not being comfortable with it. Generally, I am very attuned to my partner's feelings and will ask if everything is ok. On this occasion I feel like I lapsed. At the end of it she did seem a bit frustrated and I felt she was trying not to show it. I asked her if I was too fast, and she said no. I feel, though, that maybe here too she was just trying to be polite.
I now wish I did not meet with her today. She may have assented to sex, but not to me being rough with her. Is this a form of rape? I feel like a horrible person. What if I scarred her mentally for life? I'm thinking back now on her expression and feel sorry for her. How do I know if this is legitimate guilt or just OCD? Is this something I can move on from and if so how?
Thanks
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Winchester2022
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Hi, It sounds like OCD to me. There’s doubt and fear of harming others. I can relate. My fears lead me to check either physically (stove/locks) or mentally (ruminating and retracing my words/actions) I’m often wrought with guilt about the things I’ve said/done. And I realize now that’s totally OCD because of my fear of harming others. Key word Fear. And other key word doubt. I can check my oven several times and still doubt whether it’s off or I checked. I hear people say move on… sure is easier said than done when you have ocd it’s so hard to move on. I find it easier if I have something to occupy my mind. But the thoughts keep reappearing and morphing. Remaining in the present moment is what has worked best for me. It’s difficult but keeping my mind on my breathing works. Acceptance helps too; accepting what is. That I can’t go back and change it; that I can’t control other people’s thoughts/feelings. Accepting myself. Accepting that because of my OCD I say or do things that I can’t always control. Also when I‘m feeling guilty and think I’ve done something bad I remember my intention. Did I intend to harm?
Thanks for your response. I used to have OCD about locks as well and multiple other things like fearing I insulted someone.
Here, although related in a way to my prior forms of OCD, this seems somewhat different. I realize when I am worried about a locked door that that’s something people without OCD wouldn’t worry about. Here, even though only for a few moments, there were actual malicious thoughts on my mind.
I just hope she didn’t realize my intent and didn’t make much of it.
This definitely sounds like OCD. You need to remember that OCD tells us the worst about ourselves. In fact, it usually tells us the opposite, and because of that I'd assume that you're a kind and caring partner. Someone who wasn't like that wouldn't come online to ask strangers if what he did was wrong.
Assurance seeking is another part of OCD. The compulsion is to seek assurance from others to alleviate the guilt we feel. I know it's hard, but you need to sit with the uncertainty. In my experience there is a loud OCD voice that is screaming, "THIS IS TERRIBLE AND IT NEED TO FIND OUT IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG RIGHT NOW!" and another smaller voice saying, "This isn't terrible and I know in my heart if it is right/wrong". The trick is to listen to that smaller voice because it speaks the truth.
I'm not a woman, but I'm older and know that sex can sometimes be difficult for a woman. If it was her first time with you, she may have been nervous and that can affect her arousal/pleasure. Sex can be awkward sometimes and that's okay. It takes time for couples to get to know what each other likes. You just need to remember to be open about it and communicate with your partner.
I hope some of this helped and that you find the peace you deserve. God bless you my friend.
Thank you for responding. It’s very confusing for me right now because I feel like I crossed into a gray area where I can’t clearly say if this was something repulsive or just a temporary lapse at worst.
You're welcome. I'd also add that, if you haven't, you should talk to a therapist and/or doctor about what you're feeling. Things really started to change for me when I was just honest with my doctor. He prescribed some medicine and referred me to a therapist. It wasn't easy, but with time I was able to understand what was OCD and what wasn't (although I'm still not perfect at it). The healing journey is long, but it is so so worth it.
it’s not good to know that she may not have liked it and you were into that or okay with it. We all have carnal and more sinister desires on occasion and it’s at least good that you were aware of that and can work on being more in tune. You can apologize and ask her if perhaps she felt too afraid to say something. As a woman who has been assaulted repeatedly and had men never give me an orgasm, and with the proliferation of rough online porn and all the degradation of the female body, it’s very necessary that we have these conversations about boundaries. It’s necessary we apologize and take responsibility and be mindful of our perverse desires and objectification of a female or male body. I’m no Angel but a lot of women are socialized or naturally what to appease men, not say anything to ruin the moment, not ask for pleasure, not ruin a man’s ego. Maybe she was being honest but you can tell her her facial expressions said the opposite of what she claimed. My suggestion is also to try to wean yourself off of online porn if you watch it and try to empathize with females more. Being penetrated is a different experience from penetrating. I also have my moments of worrying “am I bad or is this OCD?” It could be a combo of both or me recognizing the possibility I don’t have good intentions. Humans don’t always but we can work to make them better.
Thanks for giving your perspective. After we did it I asked her if I was too fast and she said it was fine. I worry if I appologize or bring up the subject again it might make it worse because then she might start to think I really did intend something bad whereas no she might not have realized. She didn’t know what was in my head at the time and maybe didn’t think anything was that much different about what happened compared to her prior experiences. I hope that’s the case- but I know that how I was at the time bothers me.
Could you take a step back and allow yourselves to get to know each other better? I noticed that you didn't ask whether you two moved too fast together into a high degree of intimacy. I think that one of the keys to sexual experiences that are satisfying in multiple ways, for both partners, is to have good communication. It's hard to know if you can trust her answer to your question when you haven't established a general relationship of mutual trust, and built up experience communicating with each other.
I'd suggest that at this point, you have two basic options: (a) do some more worrying about what happened; (b) channel any doubt or remorse positively. I have some ideas about (b), but I'd invite you to do some brainstorming of your own before I share my own ideas. But please let me know if you'd like to compare notes, after you've had a chance to think about it a bit. If you reply to my comment, I will get a notification.
I'll add that the path to self-understanding and working on one's relationships with others sometimes requires some tough questions. If you weren't questioning yourself about this at all, it would be impossible to make progress related to the quality and satisfyingness of your relationships. So, I hope you can do some constructive thinking and exploring with her, without letting the self-doubt get in the way. After all, rampant self-doubt doesn't help one work on something constructively!
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