Toxic family members

[Mentalhealthfighter]

I have a healing diary. It's really helpful and important to confirm progress at therapy

This is a fragment from my diary

Sorry for grammar mistakes, English is not my native language

My OCD comes from narcissistic abuse by family members, especially my mom

And now then I'm doing a loooot of self work and psychotherapy this is that happened when I started recover

I feel like:

I try to constantly do rescue work, constantly try to change these people, help them, thinking that I really can do this. In a narrow sense: that if they stop being so toxic and stupid, then my wounds will heal, I will feel better. In a broader sense: that if they stop being toxic and stupid, then the world will become a better place, because there will be fewer lost people, and it turns out that if I can influence at least them, then I can change the world (because the way it is now I definitely don't like it)

I am constantly trying to change them and help them so that I don't feel guilty about my success and that my standard of living is getting better. Until this year, I simply hid my earnings, my successes, my purchases or pleasant changes. I didn’t do this intentionally, but rather automatically subconsciously. Because their reaction to my success is always negative - envy, pressure on guilt, pretending to be victims, squeezing everything possible and impossible out of me, depreciation in order to return me to my previous level of life, so that they don’t feel like crap for not crap. They don’t do or develop, they always try to push me lower

I thought that if I help them, explain, guide them on the right path, give hints and generally spend my time, resources and energy on them, they will change

But in fact, they don’t want to change anything, they want everyone else to have everything as bad as they do, so that others don’t succeed, so that they don’t feel inferior, which they really are (in the broad sense) I mean, they don’t bring any benefit to the world at all)

Also, all haters come from this, this is their reality

[Mom2DnJ]

It’s unfortunate that you don’t have a mentally healthy supportive family. To do the work alone must be even harder than just OCD. I want to mention that there is no known specific cause of OCD so while childrenhood trauma can increase the chances it’s not a direct cause. Having something specific to blame our struggles on may feel good but it may also cause us to subconsciously treat people differently because we hold them responsible.

It’s so caring that you want to help others heal but everyone is on their own journey and some don’t reach out for change until they reach rock bottom and some never do. Hurt people continue to hurt people so maybe distance is the only solution.

Wishing you continued progress and the strength to bounce back when things get tough. 🩵

[Mentalhealthfighter in reply to Mom2DnJ]

Thank you for supporting. You are right, maybe I was hoping them to change and it hindered my healing. I choose distance them for my peace

[deValentin]

Some people think, 'If only external circumstances were or had been different, I would be happier or wouldn't have OCD'. Maybe or maybe not. That's hard to tell for sure.

It's true, some people face more difficult circumstances than others. However, circumstances are only one factor in the happiness/mental health equation. Another factor is your personal attitude. It's possible, for instance, to be wealthy and sad, or not as wealthy and happy.

How do you deal with people who experience pleasures in response to another's misfortune (Schadenfreude) or don't want others to have a successful career, for instance, because it makes them feel inferior? You can lead by example, talk to them, not expect quick changes, but if it doesn't work, there isn't much you can do, unless removing yourself from the situation if possible.

In Ancient Greece/Rome, the Stoics used to ask their gods, "Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I think it's an excellent principle by which to live our lives.

I hope you manage to find some kind of modus vivendi with your family.

[Mentalhealthfighter in reply to deValentin]

Thank you for replying. Your mention of stoicism was so accurate, because stoicism literature helps me. It's true, in the post I am describing my feelings about bad family circumstances and sharing my thoughts. My reaction to their criticism and devaluing me often Stoic and calm, and for siblings I try describing causes of toxic family member behavior. Then there's so much for that I'm working right now and right reaction for critics in it

[Lauragbr]

I’m so sorry your family is not supportive. I’m glad you are keeping a diary of your feelings. I also journal my OCD journey and it is helpful. Keep moving forward, don’t let your family bring you down. Sending good vibes.

[Mentalhealthfighter in reply to Lauragbr]

Thanks for supporting

[Natureloverpeace]

OCD is part biology and part learned. The learned part is reinforcement of obsessions through compulsions. In psychology , we refer to it as classical and operant conditioning. Another person can’t cause another person’s OCD . Maybe it would be helpful to look at why you may feel guilty for being “successful” instead of blaming people or trying to control or change them. People can define success in many different ways. Who are we to judge if someone else is successful or not? It seems like you may be using your own guilt for being successful and/or feeling responsible for other people so you’re trying to change them. We are not responsible for other people’s behavior and it is not our place to judge them, control or change them. Who are we to judge someone else as successful or not? People will naturally resist someone trying to control them and if the controlling person persists, they eventually may understandably resent the person. It is not up to us to decide what’s best for another person or how they should conduct themselves or what choices they make. Adults can make their own decisions. People often don’t want to be around other people who see them as stupid and inferior with nothing to offer the world. Putting other people down regularly and trying to control them to conform to how you think they should live their lives gets old really quick and most people won’t put up with it for long. It can wreck havoc on relationships, cause irreparable harm to them, and even end them.

[Mentalhealthfighter in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Well, it's not about I am criticized them about their perception of life or "success". It is about their controlling of me and permanent devaluing became causes of my anxiety and then depression. Maybe OCD not their fault and it's a genetic problem, but their narcissistic abuse toward me was drained. Of course, I have some narcissistic traumas and subconsciously trying to control others to reduce my anxiety, it's like my defend mechanism. And they are my parents, how I can put them down? Instead of blaming (for what they actually did to me and I don't want to forgive them) I choose distance. After years of their abuse (financial, emotional and physical) I choose the narcissistic partner who abused me the same way, and he was extreme point of my mental problem, after all this situation I had depression and missed years of my life, and now then I'm on my way to heal, I finally can speak about this without shame, and find my strength to fight with problems. It's not about trying to control their personality, it's about their attitude towards me. I'm sorry, but it seems like victim blaming. I realize my role at my life and at my healing, in this post I just spoke out about things that hurt me very much

[Lauragbr in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Yes, agree OCD is biology and learned behavior. For those of us like me I went untreated for many years and my learned behaviors come back when I relapse. I’m happy now that there is treatment for many who are young and can learn early.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Lauragbr]

It is never too late to get help for OCD. Old people, young people and everyone in-between can get freedom from OCD. Generally. it is easier to break the OCD cycle the less entrenched it is but it can be broken no matter how severe the OCD is or how long the person has had it. Older people are more likely to have learned some important emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills which can help in recovery. Of course, those skills can be learned at an age.

[Lauragbr in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Totally agree! I’ve had years of freedom but had a relapse that started the end of March. I’m much better than I was in March, but still struggling somewhat. My relapses seem to follow the same pattern, the first 3 months I have high anxiety and then it starts to subside but I still have intrusive thoughts and feelings for months, but slowly gets better. It usually takes about a year to feel fully recovered. I do have a good OCD therapist.