Hi, this post might seem stupid to some people, but this problem is affecting me a lot because I care about animal rights a lot and I don’t want to kill animals, including insects. I have a fear that in 2018, I intentionally killed two cockroaches by spraying soapy water on them because of reading online that soapy water can be used to kill cockroaches (and also because of thinking that cockroaches were not sentient beings and therefore didn’t have value). I don’t know if this happened, but the chance that maybe it did happen is ruining my life. I’m scared that I’m a cockroach killer, and it makes me feel like a bad, heartless person. I know that I sprayed at least one cockroach with either water or soapy water, but maybe my intention was to make it stop moving so I could just put it somewhere else. Sometimes when I think about that alternate possibility, it feels familiar to me, as if that’s what happened, which gives me hope that my intention wasn’t to kill it. I have worried about this topic once in a while since maybe 2021 (I don’t know which year). When I would worry about it in the past, I would have the thought/memory that I intentionally killed them because I didn’t think that they were sentient beings and therefore didn’t have value, and then I would tell myself the following things:
“They would be dead by now anyway, so that makes it less sad.” “They would’ve killed other insects if I hadn’t killed them, so it’s overall good.” “I feel bad that I killed them, but I just didn’t know that they might be sentient beings. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known.”
Somehow I would get over it after worrying about it. I would think about it once in a while (maybe every 4 months or something like that) since maybe 2021. In August this year, I started worrying about it again, and this time I just couldn’t get over it. I started analyzing everything. I was trying to find a way that maybe my intention wasn’t to kill them. After the thought of my intention being only to make them stop moving (so I could put them somewhere else) felt familiar to me, I stopped worrying about it for the most part. Recently, I’ve started worrying about it again. I can’t get over it. I’m starting to lose interest in things in my life. It’s simply unacceptable to me to have intentionally killed cockroaches. I feel like a bad person, and my OCD is telling me that I’m a heartless person who doesn’t even have feelings in general. I analyzed my internet history from 2018 (the year in which I think I sprayed the cockroaches), and I didn’t find anything about killing or spraying cockroaches. I also didn’t find anything about soapy water either. However, it’s possible that I was using incognito mode or that I was using a device that wasn’t recording my internet history. All I know is that I sprayed at least one cockroach with water or soapy water and that I read online that soapy water can be used to kill cockroaches. My fear is that I read it and then decided to intentionally kill cockroaches, and I’m hoping that I sprayed them without the intention to kill them and then read the thing about soapy water afterwards. There is another thing from 2018 that I had an incorrect memory of, even though it felt like a solid memory to me. If I had an incorrect memory like that, then it’s also possible that the memory of “intentionally killing cockroaches” is incorrect. I can’t stop worrying about this whole thing. Please help me. It’s taking over my life.
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anonymous153
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Have you heard of the religious group in India called Jains? “One of the most basic routine commitments of Jains is to not directly kill an insect on purpose” (Enhancing Life, November-December 2017). If you hold a similar belief, why not ask a Jain what they do to redeem themselves if they killed an insect in the past? On the other hand, if your thoughts on that matter are ego-dystonic, meaning they are distressing, unacceptable, and inconsistent with your identity and how you choose to behave, why not treat them like you would any other forms of OCD? Being incessantly tormented by the killing of two insects 5 years ago or the worry whether this is or not a correct memory seems like a symptom of moral scrupulosity OCD. ERP is the best treatment for that condition, but I know it’s difficult at times to decide whether you want to be treated for it. I find that if one from the start refuses to feed thoughts that our better judgment deems overblown, it becomes easier to regain some ability to decide. It feels like OCD nurtures indecisiveness in a certain domain, and vice versa.
Though not a Jain, but as a religious person, I can tell having guilt is enough to move on. So anonymous153, you should readily move on and don't let it haunt you.😊
Thank you. It's just hard to move on. I can't accept the chance of having intentionally killed them. Because of the analyzing that I've been doing, now it feels more familiar and likely to me that my intention wasn't to kill them. I'm still worrying about it though. Maybe I should just take a break from thinking about it and see what happens.
Yes you are right. Actually your post reminded me of something I did, but I didn't share it before because I also thought I'd come off as a bad person. So couple of years before, when I was like 11-12 years of age, a lizard was near me when I was in bathroom. I got so scared that I tried to flush it. I was seeing that it was scared as well and trying really hard to climb up against the force of water, but at that point I thought it was too late and just flushed once more.😓It's still one of my biggest regrets that I killed a living creature liked that. And even though it doesn't haunt me anymore, whenever I remember about it, I blame myself for at least a few hours.
Maybe somehow it survived. The toilet leads to the sewer I guess. Maybe it just went there. Regardless of that, I guess you just got scared and did it. Try not to worry. Is it still stressful to you?
Thanks for the response. Yes I know about Jains. I have a therapist, and I do ERP with her. I didn't want to tell her about this because I didn't want her to think of me as a possibly bad person, but I think I might tell her because this problem has gotten out of control. Worrying just feeds OCD, like you said, but with this it's hard to stop worrying.
Hi anonymous153. I really don't know if your memory was accurate, but I would like to tell you that I feel the same way as you about the life of insects and animals. I feel really bad when I accidentally kill a bug (step on it BC I didn't see it or other accident). I have to kill something, though, when I see it suffering (barely alive or struggling to walk, etc.) to put it out of it's misery. I actually say I'm sorry to whatever it is BC I feel so bad.
I think a lot of people have the thought that some insects, bugs are less "important" or valuable than others. It seems smaller life seems less significant to some people than larger life. But, accidentally killing it doesn't make you a bad person and I don't think that even if you had read that about the water and then (accidentally) killed the cockroach, you had any bad intention to do that- BC you feel so bad about it, even IF you had thought it was insignificant for a second. And, the other one could have gotten away and lived a long, normal life. Since you don't know for sure, it could have been okay!
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are absolutely not a bad person. It seems like you have a good heart and accidentally killing 1 cockroach doesn't undo your caring.
Thank you. I'm just scared that my intention was to kill it. Now that seems less likely to me, but I'm still worrying about it. Also, as a side note, sometimes I've seen cockroaches struggling to walk, and I would put them outside. Then later I would see that they're not there, which means maybe they survived and walked away.
Hi, I have a therapist, but I was scared to tell her because I didn't want her to think of me as someone who might be an "insect killer". Now I might just tell her because this has become too much.
Do you feel bad because you think you may have killed a cockroach or because you think you may have killed the cockroach on purpose? From what you say here about your care of animals and life, it’s doubtful that you would have killed the cockroach on purpose. That being said:
2018 was a long time ago. Your memories of the incident are not going to be accurate, and it will be impossible to remember exactly what happened, what was going through your mind, or what you may or may not have read on the internet.
The funny thing about OCD is that you are not actually reacting to the fear, you are reacting to a feeling that OCD produces. Your symptom is just the trigger that your brain has latched on to.
You might be suffering from something called scrupulosity, and it can be very tricky as it typically involves perceptions, magical thinking, and abstract ideas that are confusing even to the sufferer. You won’t be able to make sense of it because it doesn’t make sense.
Your best bet is to get yourself real treatment. I saw that someone said that you should perhaps talk to some Jains and ask about how you can repent if you accidentally took an insects life, but while well intentioned, that suggestion is probably not a good idea as it is a form of a compulsion or reassurance seeking behavior that OCD sufferers should avoid. Engaging with your OCD, and doing compulsions only feeds it.
Medications and therapy can help you. You can find providers from many sources, and I believe there are links to some on this website. Take care!
Before scrupulosity became classified as a mental disorder, the Catholic Church considered it a temptation. For instance, Ignatius of Loyola suffered from scruples (a scruple was the little stone in the Roman soldier’s sandal that caused him discomfort). He wrote that the devil tempts the delicate conscience with scruples while he tempts the lax conscience with indifference. Here is the definition of scrupulosity for Catholics: “The scrupulous person is anxious that he has committed a sin when in fact he has not or is convinced that his venial sins are mortal when they are not” (Scrupulosity: The Occupational Hazard of the Catholic Moral Life, 11/1/2006). So, the question was (and still is, if you’re religious): is the thought or the act that’s causing me mental discomfort a real sin or not?
If you’re not religious, the question has to be reformulated in different terms: is my mental discomfort about a certain thought or act justified or not? If I don't or didn’t live up to my real values, it’s normal to feel discomfort about it. That discomfort pushes me to make amends and change my ways. If, on the contrary, I find that discomfort ridiculous, then I apply ERP methods. So, my point was that anonymous153 decides whether his degree of discomfort about the killing of two insects was in line with his real values or not. The problem is that OCD makes it difficult to decide that. It’s when I have to remind myself that an absence of discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean that everything I’m doing is all right, and a presence of discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m doing or I did something wrong (or the degree of discomfort experienced doesn’t necessarily reflect the gravity of the deed).
I feel like my discomfort matches with my values, but I guess that's just how I feel. I think I feel better now because now it seems more likely that my intention wasn't to kill them (because of the analyzing that I've done), but I feel like I can't be satisfied until I'm sure or almost sure that my intention wasn't to kill them.
Thanks for the response. I feel bad because I think I may have done it on purpose. It feels like a guilt type of thing to me, but my OCD might have affected some things. I might tell my therapist. Maybe I'll stop thinking about this for some time and see what happens. It hasn't been easy to do that, but maybe that's what I have to try.
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