In a Fog Again

[StandinStill]

hello everyone

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything or responded to posts. I actually changed my username.

Im truly sorry I haven’t been there for those who have needed the support lately.

The only excuse I have is that I’m lost.

I was trying meds again and therapy but the meds started causing erratic heart beats and pain etc. I couldn’t function on the dose I was supposed to take and so I had to cut it to 1/3 . To say the least it failed. Last trip to my Doc I told them I’m done . I’m done fighting with OCD and trying all the meds etc . I hate that society refers to OCD as a mental health condition, when I hear from Docs all the time that it’s mostly a physical condition within the brain . My last ditch effort is to get a brain scan done so I can prove to my family and those doubters that what I have is Soooooo Real and so agonizing.

My Doc says I’m not only OCD patient who has done exactly what I’m doing. I need to know I’m not crazy. I need proof “physically “ that my brain doesn’t function normal “physically “.

Im so worn out and I’m in a fog again. Similar to the fog I was in when I lost two of my best friends and only things that understood and loved me. My two dogs who I miss so much every day . Now is when I need them and they are gone . I can never own another because the pain of losing them eventually is too unbearable.

So I walk the face of this earth afraid to end it all ,…and wanting to be free of this disease, and wanting to feel loved and not alone. Im at a crossroads in life again. OCD has wrecked my marriage, probably my relationship with my beautiful kids, and everyone around me. I can’t do or say anything right . So I stay to myself as much as possible. Now my job is getting worse and it’s effected that to point I’m afraid of losing that .

The only peace I get barely, is watching the birds I feed out the window or when I get one to land in my hand and eat sometimes.

it’s almost like they sense the sadness and sense I’m not going to harm them.

Unfortunately I cannot do that every minute of the day .

The rest of my day is usually turmoil.

i don’t want to feel the agony of OCD anymore, and I surely don’t want it to cause anyone else agony . So do I pack up and go somewhere Alone where I don’t have to be judged and I don’t cause others stress from it ?

I feel like a failure. An extremely tired one that is worn out and beat down from this .

I messaged my Doc today to ask why or when they will eventually send me the background on what type of brain scan and testing can be done.

I hope I get some answers because I’m barely holding up

sorry to rant everyone. I know we are all going through so much. I’m just reaching out because I’m lost and in that Fog all over again, and it’s not a good thing

[Rana190]

Hello.

I’m so sorry to read that you’re struggling. Please try to continue and don’t give up on finding the suitable treatment.

I have been suffering from OCD for many years. Last year around this time was one of the worst OCD episodes I’ve ever experienced. I was tired of trying too. But I continued miraculously. I went back to a medication that had worked better before. A year later, I’m doing much better. It is not gone but I’m more in control of this disorder’s symptoms.

I still have doubts and I also suffer from mental fog to the point that I can’t function well professionally. Maybe we should try to take it one day at a time and accept that this is not our fault. Every one deserves a good peaceful life.

I hope you have the strength to fight this disorder and get your peace and happiness back.

Best wishes.

[StandinStill in reply to Rana190]

thank you so much for your help and support. It means more to me than I can express .

I hope for us all that things change . I just don’t have the energy. Im exhausted from hours and hours of horrible thoughts and compulsions day after day . Most of mine has to do with thinking something horrible is going to happen to loved ones, and it feels so real and scary that something bad is gonna happen to them and sometimes graphic , and so I spend hours thinking the compulsion prayers and actions will prevent it from happening…. I’m overwhelmed with fear I would lose them. It’s way more to it than I’m explaining but it’s horrible. I continue to try and fight off the thoughts and compulsions but it’s eating me up.

I don’t have a lot of experienced OCD docs around me, and I have to drive hours to find one. I constantly think I can never do that because of my job and my home and family. But I may have no choice. I’ve even thought of going to live by the doctor facility so I’d be closer for a few months .I’m just too tired and feel like I’m going through the motions

Thank you again for replying and for the encouragement. I do appreciate it very much and I hope tomorrow I can find that fight to try again

[Rana190 in reply to StandinStill]

Remember that what you do for treatment and having a better life, is also for your family whom you love so dearly.

My OCD theme is similar to yours. Fears about something happening to loved ones are tough. I can imagine how distressing intrusive thoughts and mental images can be.

Hang in there and let’s win this battle together.

[StandinStill in reply to Rana190]

Thank you so much. Yeah it’s definitely difficult. I will continue to reach out to everyone here. I’m thankful today I made the decision to post again, and I’m even more thankful for everyone who is replying and being there for me . Your support means so much to me . I’ll do my best

[LuvSun]

Hang in there StandinStill! We all go through downtimes but the beauty of your life is always there and will come back.

[StandinStill in reply to LuvSun]

thank you so much LuvSun. I’m trying. I keep thinking it will change. I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I’ll fight as long and hard as I can . Forty years + of this has taken its toll .Your support means everything to me. Thank you always

[StandinStill]

Thank you very much for replying. I feel thankful each of you are here for me . I should always know that, but this OCD is so mean and so cruel, that I lost site of a lot of things and people that do care. Thank you again for seeing my struggles and for being there. I hope and pray for you and all of us

[Mcfly64]

Hello StandinStill. I understand what you are going through. I have many times said I can’t do this anymore but somehow I find the strength to face another day. I know it’s the Lord who gives me this strength. All glory to him. Hang in there. Keep trying different medications. You will find the right one. Are you seeing a therapist?

[StandinStill in reply to Mcfly64]

Hello Mcfly64

Thank you so much for the support.

We don’t really have a specialist near me . Im thinking about moving closer to one temporarily if it will give me help

[Mcfly64 in reply to StandinStill]

That’s okay. Anytime. Have you tried getting in contact with iocdf to see if they can recommend someone closer to you?

[StandinStill in reply to Mcfly64]

I have looked up many resources through them but there is nothing or no one near me . Everything is far away. I’ve even called some of them to see if I have other options and it’s been difficult to get a call back at all .

It’s pretty deflating when even the small amount of resources here , agree that the support around where I live is not good.

I have one in mind over 3 hours away that I’m hoping would offer some lodging assistance

[Mcfly64 in reply to StandinStill]

Good luck. Always here for support. Let us know how you go if you want.

[StandinStill]

Thank you so much Mrsmapdog for replying and sharing your story. I can completely relate to just how bad it can get. I’m there now.

I also deeply appreciate your support and understanding that this isn’t just Mental as people who don’t understand tend to think. It’s a stigma and it’s extremely sad that my own family doesn’t even completely understand it at all .

I want to get them proof on paper, as it seems my own suffering and symptoms appears Not to be enough to help them believe what turmoil I’m in.

The sad part is, I think they are even questioning this too .

That’s why I’m considering moving closer to the hospital that I’m hoping can help me. It means me having to leave my home and my family, but I’m at a loss on what else to do. They get in front of counselors and doctors and say they believe it’s real, but then when I’m suffering they expect me to just get myself out of it and through it.

I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m just ruining everyone and everything around me.

I definitely believe in God. The problem I’m having is OCD has taken over that also. I can’t even say a prayer , even the Lord’s Prayer without OCD interfering and I then get stuck in more compulsions.

If I can’t even pray to God, what else is left for me ?

I happened to read an article about the procedure you mentioned recently. I showed it to my family and it’s kind of like “well, it’s possible I guess “.

I just don’t know what else to do

Thank you so much for your support

[Natureloverpeace]

You’re definitely not alone in this and it’s not your fault that you have OCD. Jonathan Grayson, one of the top OCD experts, says that OCD is part biology and part learned (operant and classical conditioning). His book, Freedom from OCD, is one of the most recommended books by OCD experts. It’s never too late to overcome OCD. Mine was extreme but I finally kicked it to the curb when I was in my late fifties. OCD lies to us. We need to take the risk of not doing the compulsions . When we do that, we discover that those dreaded, fearful things that the compulsions supposedly prevented from happening, don’t happen. Feelings, including fear, can be very powerful but feelings are only feelings, not facts. You can live a life according to your values instead of OCD’s lies and rules.

[StandinStill in reply to Natureloverpeace]

thank you so much for the support and for sharing your positive story with me. It does give me hope . Very much appreciated

[Natureloverpeace in reply to StandinStill]

You’re welcome. If there isn’t an OCD specialist near you, teletherapy may be an option. The OCD specialist would need to be licensed in your state or be a part of PsychPact. You can call the helpline at the IOCDF for some help locating an OCD specialist. Just explain to them that you tried using their Resource Directory but couldn’t find one located near you. Their phone number is 617-973-5801. Their office hours are 9:00-5:00 Eastern Time Monday-Friday

[StandinStill in reply to Natureloverpeace]

thank you so much

[Natureloverpeace in reply to StandinStill]

You’re welcome.

[Eli_E]

Sending hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can very much relate to the feelings you express.

[StandinStill in reply to Eli_E]

Thank you very much. That means the world to me. Many hugs in return also.

[StandinStill]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the reply.

I haven’t specifically tried anyone else through online options except the Doc I’m currently seeing. They are trained somewhat, but it’s mostly for medicinal treatment. They have experience but just not specialized in it.

I’m not too excited about online treatment though. Not saying there’s anything at all wrong with it. I just prefer being in front of them . I’ve done telehealth visits with this current Doc, but I just have more stress with the computer cutting out on me etc .

I still may have to eventually try a specialist online. I’m just hoping to get someone in person who also has ability to do further testing on me.

I’ve been waiting on my current Doc to send me some info on brain studies and they recently did that finally. I have an appointment with them and hopefully a specialist in a month or so . Will see how this turns out and decide what to do from there.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. OCD just wears me out. I struggled quite a bit this week too and all the bad thoughts and then constant compulsions have worn me out . Hours of it is taking its toll on me . I’m trying to keep the faith and fight my way through them. But I’m definitely extremely tired from it .

My thoughts are with you, and I really appreciate your help and for caring. We continue to fight through this together as much as we can .

[StandinStill]

Hello

Thank you so much for being there for me, I had stopped posting awhile ago , and I became even more alone. Being back on here communicating with everyone that is very much like me , is so helpful and it’s helped me feel wanted and understood again. I really appreciate your support and everyone’s who has replied and offered their help. It is truly truly appreciated.

OCD for me revolves around bad horrible thoughts of people I love being hurt or dying. It often includes graphic images or thoughts and absolute extreme fear that if I don’t perform a compulsive act to “fix” it or “save” them, then utter fear and anxiety take over and scares me that it might happen. So then I have to pray or do ritual of some sort in just a certain way or fear of it happening overwhelms me. If I mess up the ritual/compulsions, by not saying or thinking it “correctly”, or if I breathe the wrong way , or look the wrong direction, or pick something up the wrong way or while thinking the wrong thing , etc etc , then I get overwhelming fear that the bad thought would come true . So I go right back to same cycle over and over . Sometimes it lasts for constant hour long or so, until I can do it correctly , or until I can finally rationalize the thoughts just enough to get me through it . But on real bad days, the episodes can happen many times through the day

[StandinStill]

Thank you so much for the helpful advice and support . It definitely can be awful, and I’m truly exhausted from OCD. But the support has kept me going and it’s truly appreciated very much. I will give it a try and hopefully I can find peace. Thank you