Hi all and thanks for the opportunity to post on the forum.
I've been asking on several forums lately to see if I can find someone who shares some of the symptoms. Or just simply recognise the OCD element.
I would like to keep this short, at least as short as I can (i failed).
Over the last few years I have developed (at least I've just become more aware of it) a mindset that is significantly hindering my life. I am interested to know if there are any who have at least heard of something similar and how much it is related to OCD.
When I do something for the first time and it is coupled with a negative experience, that negativity somehow attaches itself to that thing. In addition, if something bad happens the day I start this new thing then the negativity sticks to it in the same way.
As the clock strikes midnight, a new "clean" day begins. If I do something new on a "clean" day, then all is well. However, based on the above, I can "ruin" a day, and if I start something new on such a day, that new thing becomes negative.
There are many ways I can ruin a day, but mostly - I can ruin it with moral things that are unacceptable to me. These are my own very extreme rules. Even innocent masturbation can mess me up. The more abhorrent my own conception of it (the more fetishistic it is) the more negative the experience becomes.
And why is it wrong it to be negative?
From then on I can't enjoy the activity, it's always the first negative thing that comes to mind.
It's like a glass in which you first pour orange juice and then water, no matter how much syrup it turns into, the orange juice will always define the whole thing, and you can't pour it out and start again.
Two simple examples:
new hair style - it can completely ruin the pleasure if I wear it at any time in the future
video game when I download it for the first time - then whenever I play it, I can't enjoy it
These are just two basic examples.
I have no idea how this will change in the future, I have one or two negative experiences that have not changed or have changed less.
Of course, the fear comes from wanting to avoid negative experiences, so I want to keep each day as "clean" as possible. As long as it is feasible. The biggest fear is obviously that negativity will last a lifetime. The fear is stronger the more important the thing is to me that could "go wrong".
Thank you for reading!