Am new, my little story if you like to read

[azaleacrimson]

Hi all, I'm new here. I'm not really sure what to post but, I've put off making an account for a support group for quite a long time now, but I would say it's largely due to the fact that it's hard for me to do things without worrying about this and that and this and that. I get anxious making accounts. I'm even worried if I'm doing it right right now! It's a whole thing.

So, yea. But I've been struggling quite a bit and it's only logical that communicating with other people going through something similar would be helpful. And if I'm able to help other people at all, I would love that.

I'm not really sure how long this should be? But anyway, essentially my OCD makes me worry, and worry, and worry a lot. What if this, what if that, etc. That's pretty common, I've learned. What I've fallen pretty badly into is wondering "What if I'm a horrible person who has done and is doing horrible things that makes me awful and unforgivable?" Even as I type that, I still fear it might be true. As it does, my OCD latched really hard onto it.

I really want to believe that I am legitimately doing the best I can. That while my mind makes it so dreadfully hard for me to function at all, I really want to believe that despite it all, I'm doing the absolute best I can. So I'm trying to treat myself with more kindness and love and not beat myself up. That, in turn, allows me to function better.

In the past month and a half or so, it's gotten a lot better. At the end of last year, I was struggling bad with washing my hands and not wanting to touch things, I could barely do my laundry or much of anything. I was worrying so much. I hate to even think about it. But, as a way of encouraging, it has gotten much better. I'm doing laundry and dishes, going outside every day, my sleep is *much* more consistent now, and I'm managing my worrying a lot better, even if it's still not easy.

I can also type a lot! Maybe this was too much. I still have a long way to go, but I hope someone can relate to any of this.

[HulaHoop1993]

Hi! :)Welcome to the group! I think that your post is very well done, and I'm proud of you for sharing it! It does speak to me a lot because the more I continued to read, the more I felt I could relate. I was diagnosed with OCD at a pretty young age, and I've gone through a few different symptoms. My OCD began with hyper-religious thoughts which then led to thoughts of self harm. After that, I did experience an extreme fear of germs to the point where I couldn't even open my own Christmas gifts. Then came intrusive sexual thoughts/ images in my head along with an obsession to achieve perfect grades in school. I developed an OCD number of 3, and it got to the point where I would literally do my homework 3 times over. But lately I have been experiencing symptoms that are very similar to yours, specifically worrying about "bad" things I've done in the past. I find it very difficult to be around anyone or live with anyone for fear of my compulsions bothering them when the obsessions get to me. I tend to feel guilty because I feel like I'm an inconvenience. But honestly I'm doing my best to cope, and the most effective method for me right now is just sitting down and rationalizing things step by step. It can be time consuming, but then again so are compulsions, and I'd much rather spend the time eliminating the obsessions than to let them control any aspect of my life. Anyways, I'm very glad that you shared your post! It's a good inspiration and a good reminder that no one is in this alone!

[azaleacrimson in reply to HulaHoop1993]

Thanks so much for your reply, and thank you for the welcome!! I'm glad that my post was helpful! I've also had quite a difficulty with socializing lately... there's a lot to it, but I worry a lot about whether I'm doing things right, and it kind of feels like if I keep a distance from people then I can't hurt them. Well, and I feel guilty for being distant too. It seems like I'll feel guilty no matter what... but I'm trying to be easier on myself. It's hard not to feel like I'm just totally broken or something, but I really do hope I'm trying my best. I can relate to having gone through some religious-themed worries in the past, too. It shared a similar theme to doing or thinking something unforgivable. I can relate to much of what you've said.

It sounds like you're doing a good job trying to manage it instead of giving into the compulsions I hate that anybody has to go through this but at least we are able to help each other even if only a little. Thank you again for the reply!

[Mcfly64]

Hello. Your post was honest and brave. There were parts I could really relate to. Guilt is a big part of my ocd and depression but I am trying. It’s great to hear you have been feeling better.

[azaleacrimson in reply to Mcfly64]

Thank you!! I greatly appreciate your reply. Guilt is... definitely difficult. I want to be a good person really badly. It's so much.

I believe in you and that you are trying really hard and doing very well!! If you're trying your best, that's what counts!

[Mcfly64 in reply to azaleacrimson]

Thank you🙏

[Carbon21]

Thanks for sharing, you didn’t type too much. I found your post interesting. Stay well and keep pushing forward, you’ve got this!

[azaleacrimson in reply to Carbon21]

Thank you so much! I am grateful for the encouragement! I'll do my best!

[Hidden]

Im so happy for you that you're doing better! That post is very encouraging!!!!! What are you working on this week? Anything in particular?

[azaleacrimson in reply to Hidden]

I'm so glad my post was encouraging!! Thank you for the kind reply!! Lately I've been trying to focus on doing things that I know are healthy for me, and establishing productive routines and the like. I haven't been very productive in quite a long time but I have a real desire to be, you know? So I'm taking some strides there and I'm hoping to get even better at it!

Still, I'm trying to be kind to myself. I've gotten into a real habit of being pretty hard on myself. If I start struggling and feeling overwhelmed I can try to calm myself and just wait it out. With time, I see there was not so much to worry about!

Ahh, I could write endlessly about my mental state, it's so much. But thank you again for the reply!

[GuitarDave]

I can certainly relate. My OCD issues center around a sense of hyper-responsibility. My strategy for dealing with this is simply to accept the awful feelings that come with each episode and take it as a challenge to sit them out while avoiding compulsions like seeking reassurance or confession. Eventually they always go away, and each time it gets just a little easier. I wish you well on your journey to get through this.

[azaleacrimson in reply to GuitarDave]

Thanks so much!! And I can relate to the description of your process. Every time it feels really pressing and I want to confess or get reassurance or both. I want to do the right thing. It's really hard because I feel like I can't tell the difference between what I should worry about and what I shouldn't. But if I delay it, I'll very often realize I was worrying too much. I still hope I never avoid doing something I should have, but I'm really trying to do my best, or I hope so anyway. I wish you well likewise and thank you for the reply! I believe in you!

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate]

Hey Azalea,

Welcome! I absolutely loved your post. It put a big smile on my face!

I really appreciate your bravery and vulnerability in sharing part of your story with us. It sounds like you've done a lot of great work on being compassionate with yourself. I think that's awesome! It resonated a lot for me because changing how I spoke to and treated myself was one of the first real things I was able to succeed at in treatment and it really gave me a lot of confidence.

I see you mentioned you still struggle. That resonates too! I have my good days and bad days, but with time and practice I pick myself up more easily from the bad ones.

Keep going!

Alex

[azaleacrimson in reply to alexandraisobsessed]

Ahh thank you!! I appreciate your words and I'm glad my post spoke to you! I'm very pleased to have received so many kind replies on my first post and that people are getting encouragement from it. I love it if my words can help others!

The compassion towards yourself is important, isn't it? I'm glad to hear you agree - it's been important for me to stop being so hard on myself. I worry so much about being a horrible person. I have definitely had a lot of trouble with confidence for a long time, and it's likely related. I can't really even make eye contact when I'm talking.

I for sure still struggle and I've got a long way to go, but I think it's evident that it's gotten much better since earlier this year, and I'm hoping I can maintain the momentum to get even better going into 2022. 😀

Thank you again for your reply!!

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate in reply to azaleacrimson]

You've got this!

[222purple]

keep up the great work!!! remember, OCD is a liar! you do not have to believe what it's telling you! always go against OCD! opposite action!

[azaleacrimson in reply to 222purple]

Many thanks for the encouragement!! Indeed, we are stronger than OCD! 🙂