Anyone struggle with recovery?

[mrpurple]

Hey guys. I've been dealing with false memory ocd with what feels like forever but in recent times I feel it has become more manageable. My head feels much calmer, and it doesn't really feel like I've got my mind stuck within a mist and I've had many days with peace and quiet and I'd like to say I'm recovering but I keep getting hit with roadblocks. It's just on days when ocd isn't pestering me I notice that the false memory isn't bugging me - which then leads to it coming back and making my mind hell again, even today just some time ago I thought of something which triggered my ocd and it created more imagery, I'm thankful that I don't get a lot of anxiety anymore but I still get it eventually, ocd just knows what buttons to push. I know recovery isn't a smooth process but I wasn't expecting it to be THIS tedious. I was finally getting the feeling of how I felt before this started, something I longed for but it's only temporary. If anyone has any advice, please say anything I can take on board, I'm too tired to keep going in circles with this shit anymore

[SCC1]

I have gone through the same thing where I had felt I was getting better, then went back to feeling like I had before with the illness. You have so much hope and it is a longing. I had thought a long time ago that I was over the illnesses I had, but somehow they "came back". I don't know if they ever leave permanently. Maybe, but I think it requires one to regularly practice using their "tools"/skills to stay in recovery just to have something to lean on if there is a relapse. Even if you don't practice the tools regularly, maybe periodically is better than not at all.

What helped me a long time ago when I had trouble was medication. I still had/have problems, but the meds lift the severity and intensity of my symptoms.

Maybe we are always in some type of recovery, sometimes with no symptoms, sometimes with more. But, imo, I think it's a recovery process that needs to be maintained, even slightly.

I know it's disappointing to have to go through something that you thought was over, but you got back to feeling better at some point and nothing says you can't get there again!

Take care of yourself

[mrpurple in reply to SCC1]

It feels like I'm self sabotaging myself, I make all this progress and then as soon as I get that false memory in my head for not even a second I'm being forced to help create the thing. I would do anything to prevent my ocd from creating the whole false memory but from the way things look right now I feel like I'm just doomed to see the complete thing

[SCC1 in reply to mrpurple]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad but it is not your fault for having the thought. I, personally, don't think you are self sabotaging. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to not be affected by this. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but just know I think you're doing the best you can and you shouldn't blame yourself.

[TomFed]

Look, probably I won't say anything new to you but for most of us OCD thoughts will re-accure from time to time. We have no control of our thoughts whatsoever, OCD or regular. Our success in treating this disorder lies in not doing compulsions, both physical and mental. That's where we have all power, even sometimes OCD makes us think we don't.

Physical compulsions are somewhat easier to notice and not engage into. Although make sure you cleaned your closet from sometimes not so easy to notice "microcompulsions", as well.

From my and some other OCDers experience, I know that it is mental compulsions part where many of us slip during recovery. The best and simplest tool I use when some OCD obsessive thought sticks again for longer than a few minutes is "maybe it will happen, maybe it won't, maybe the worst will happen, maybe it won't, maybe it means that, maybe it doesn't".

Repeat it as many times as you need, till you see OCD relaxing your grasp on your mind. I find it to be the best mantra for eradicating mental compulsions.

Another thing, that I found tremendously helpful to reduce the flow of obsessive thoughts into my head are healthy routine, quitting compulsion inducing substances and habits, like alcohol, nicotine, porn. As well, I take some over-the-counter food supplements which I found tremendously helpful in my case, like N-Acetyl Cysteine.

If you want to talk more about recovery, pm me. My symptomatology has been at subclinical levels for most of the time throughout the last 7 months, since I finished an ERP therapy course. But sure, as most of us OCDers, I still get challenged by my mind and OCD every other day.