False Memories - Help

[MondaySunday]

My son (age range 25-30) who is suffering from mental health issues, has recently started labelling me with all sorts of things, none of which resonate with me or my husband. I've been accused of having sex with a friend at home (totally untrue) and he has determined that I am manipulative, coercive and narcissistic; i have done lots of nice things for him but I have done them out of needing to have a 'good mother badge' rather than thinking of him.

I'm absolutely distraught. We are attending family therapy, but right now he is very much attending it so I can learn about my mistakes rather than working things out together.

I understand that is it quite common for an offspring to blame one parent over the other etc.

But can anyone tell me how long these episodes can last? I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try, and I need to know this very dark tunnel has an ending. I'm not sure I can cope any more.

[Truename12]

It’s important to realize that he’s the one having a hard time. Don’t you think he is terrified to be in the place he’s in? You’re doing a great thing, going to therapy. You need to stop thinking of yourself, Which is a big ask, but we can do anything for the love of our child. Let him have his say. Tell him that you love him and everything will be OK, that you’re there for him. What he’s doing is a cry for help. Find a therapist for yourself. Talk through your own issues with someone who will give you their undivided attention and support. In this world, we all need a good therapist. I found one for myself through listings on the Psychology Today website. I have been in your shoes and I hope you don’t blow it like I did, defending myself to the point where my son has given up on me. I wish you the very best.Remember, our legacy to the world is our children. Be strong and let him have his say. If you have been a good mother, after he has released his fears and anxieties, his conscience will kick in and he will want to also acknowledge what is good about you. I hope your therapist is managing to support both of you. If you have a feeling they’re not really doing a good job, ask them if they have someone else in the office who can step in. But whatever you do, don’t give up on the therapy sessions! What people with mental health issues most need is to be heard, and to feel that someone cares. Isolation is the big destroyer of lives. Best wishes!!

[MondaySunday in reply to Truename12]

Thanks, did that sound like i was thinking of me, and not him? my apologies. I am thinking about me quite a lot, because i am at the stage where i am struggling to cope. I have defended none of his accusations other than the affair, and that was because it was such a surprise and such nonsense. evertything else i have let him say and tried to say i understand his feelings and what can i do to help? i've told him i love him and will always be here no matter what. He tells me he loves be (but that is because i indoctrinated him). Do these episodes ever end? He won't go to therapy with me now because the therapist didn't point out my faults or agree with Oliver over the course of two sessions. I have had lots of counselling too. But it is difficult to know how to deal with a memory that is just not true but which he believes. Thanks for replying.

[aparente001]

Gosh, sounds like a tough time for you guys.

Is your partner providing the support you need? Are you able to explain to your partner how this feels, and what would be helpful?

Please note that even when our kid is suffering, we can still set up boundaries. For example, when my son (OCD and anxiety) freaks out and starts yelling, I remind him that I can do a better job listening and being supportive when he uses an indoor voice. Sometimes I have to go for a walk around the block for him to get the message.

In the case of you and your son, perhaps a reasonable boundary would be about the difference between expressing preferences about what you do, don't do, and how, versus finger pointing and hurtful character judgments.

It can be helpful to practice reflecting -- stating your understanding of what he just explained to you, so he can feel heard. Then, you might ask, "How can I help at this point?" "Is there anything you'd like me to do differently at the current stage of our relationship?" If nothing comes to mind to him, you can say, "If something occurs to you, I'll be interested to hear your idea. In the meantime, I'm going to go upstairs now and do some sewing."

Are there any activities you and he enjoy doing together?

Does your family have a pet, and does your son find solace in the pet's company?

I hope you can work through the "good mother badge" topic with a good therapist. This sounds like great self-awareness -- always a good start to solving a problem!

I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.

[MondaySunday in reply to aparente001]

Thanks, I have said 'how can i help', 'what can i change'? what would make you feel better. But he just says 'nothing.'. He has pets (4 cats although one is missing) and some other pets too. Normally he talks to me about them but he has broken all contact now (which i think i need tbh to make myself a bit stronger). He's cancelled therapy because the therapist challenged him a little for example by saying 'its mum's turn now' and because he expected a quick response and the therapist to agree with him and tell me off. but he now thinks i am using my 'charm' to persuade the therapist to my 'side'. There are no sides. He says i lie to the therapist, to him, to my husband and that i can't say one sentence without telling a lie.

If i explain my 'lie' i am not accepting anything, and if i accept his views that just proves what a bad person i am.

I suppose i just want some comfort that he'll come back to me. We've always had a good relationship and i don't want him to feel alone. thanks for replying.

[Hidden]

If family therapy is just him calling you names, this doesn't sound helpful and it sounds extremely painful. The therapist should be helping you to all work together and I think there should be ground rules, including no name-calling.