hello my names Vicky and I have suffered with OCD since I was 19..but it probably started (subconsciously) long before that.
I am struggling at the moment with another episode and have just upped my sertraline from 100mg to 150mg.
my fear is that I am going to lose control and hurt someone (please don't judge as I am so ashamed and guilt of having these through) it makes me so ill....I am struggling to sleep and struggling to stop having these horrible thoughts.
it always is about harming my beautiful son and just the though of the thought make me physically sick.
please tell me I am not alone??
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Spready43
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This is so typical of OCD! It attacks us where something matters most to us - in this case, your son.
There's no need to judge you - quite the contrary. No matter how strong the intrusive thoughts are, there is no way that you'd harm your son.
On the practical side of it, the dose of sertraline that you are on is quite low. Large doses are often needed with OCD because it's such a tough nut to crack. It's quite common for 200 mg a day to be prescribed, though higher doses are occasionally given - I'm on 300 mg a day myself - although not all doctors or psychiatrists can do this.
I've also been prescribed a low dose of an anti-psychotic called aripiprazole. I'm not in any way psychotic, but it's been found that a low dose (5 mg - I started on 2.5 mg to try it out) can help boost the effects of the sertraline. I've found it helpful - I've described it as colours regaining their brightness - and more like my old self. It might be worth your asking about it.
Do not, though, accept another anti-psychotic called sulpiride (also known as Dolmatil). I took it for a short while. It always makes you gain weight - I gained two and a half stone very quickly before stopping taking it, and in any case it didn't help me.
There's a book that might help you - it's called Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally M Winston and Martin N Self.
Intrusive thoughts are so difficult to deal with. The trick is to let them in, to not question them or try to rationalize them or push them away - just let them in and then not take any notice of them. A sort of 'I know that you're there, intrusive thoughts, but you can't harm me or make me harm anybody else. And now I'm going to ignore you.' In that way, it's as though you make them fed up with the lack of attention, and they go of their own accord.
But it's painful, as well you know. The natural reaction is to try to push them away. But bolstered by the higher dose of sertraline, it should get easier. Take it a little at a time.
Literally sitting here in tears at you response because I feel like I am a horrible person and I am the only person that has these awful thoughts.
I have never harmed anyone in my life and nor would I do the thought of hurting my world is absolutely crippling.
Like I say I have suffered with this for years but have come through the other side so I should know how to deal with it but each time if feels like the first and It make me go down hill and ill so very quickly.
I hope you are doing ok and that you continue to do so......I know how disabling this mental illness is and I would not wish it my worst enemy
It's so nice to get your reply! I know how hard it is having OCD. One knows that it's all just in one's head, but it can feel so real.
It's also such a fluctuating condition - good spells and bad spells - but always remember during a bad spell that it will be followed again by a good one!
Please don't think that you're alone with this. As I said, it always attacks us where we care most - it doesn't make us think of harming people we don't actually like, only those we love. And deep down we know that we wouldn't harm those we love.
Hold onto that thought and remember it. They're only bad thoughts, and don't mean that you're a bad person. In fact other people have crazy mad thoughts but they just let them go. Having OCD makes the crazy thoughts 'sticky' and they stay in our head and torment us. They feel real, but they're not!
'Having OCD makes the crazy thoughts 'sticky' and they stay in our head and torment us. They feel real, but they're not!' this sums up OCD for me at the moment! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words! This site has been a revelation to me and I dip in to it now and again when I'm struggling for some reassurance and support. I've never been diagnosed officially but I'm fairly confident I suffer with OCD in it's different forms. I can relate to a lot of the posts on here, and your comments did resonate with me, so thank you for sharing!
For me currently I seem to be struggling with stuck thoughts that create an anxiety that I struggle to get rid of, and can leave me feeling like I'm going a bit mental to be honest!
It can be something simple, like if I looked at someone whilst walking past them, and our eyes met, and a thought comes in my head wondering if they were looking at me or if it was just a cursory glance. I start over thinking it, and then the thought comes in my head that I won't be able to get this out of my head, and it seems to create an overwhelming anxiety. It sounds ridiculous written down, and it's the feeling of anxiety more than the thought that seems to affect me.
It seems to create a general feeling of anxiety which makes me feel like I'm going mental, and most of the time I feel like I'm getting anxious about being anxious which is ridiculous!
I also find this group really helpful and supportive as it makes you feel very lonely and isolated as you do not believe anyone can feel like I feel...and there are so many of us out there.
I get everything your saying and it doesn't sound mental to me at all,I totally get it and if you ever needed support or a chat you can always reply on me as I would never want anyone to suffer this alone and I know how disabling it can be.
It makes you feel a bad person and it really does trick you....and I like to think I am nothing of the sort..I would always try to look after people and be kind so it shakes me to the core to have these awful,scary thoughts!
It is a cruel illness to try and deal with.
I hope you are doing well and having many,many more good days than bad 🙏❤️
It's because you're so caring, that's why OCD is picking on your thoughts. People without OCD will get the same thoughts as you but will be able to bat them away without a moment's concern. But because you're a caring person the thought will shock you and then you'll start over thinking it and that's when OCD takes a hold. I've had similar thoughts when waiting on a platform for a train or drying up some knives after washing up. It's scary but it's just a thought at the end of the day and we are just a bit hyper sensitive to it all due to this debilitating condition.
Stay strong and I wish you well in your journey through this! 👍🤞X
Your post hit home! Just like yours, my OCD is always about hurting the closest people to me. Recently I changed meditations and lower doses just don’t work for me. They have effect on me but I still have intrusive thoughts. They just don’t bother me that much. I would tell you not to worry about the doses. I honestly would take any dose to make this thoughts stop. I read that people suffering from OCD are one of the most caring and loving people. With that being said, the thought of harming your child is just a thought, nothing else.
Thank you for you reply and again it gets me all upset as I felt I was the only one in the world to have these horrendous thoughts.
I'd like to think I am really loving and caring (and I know in my heart I am that person) but this horrible OCD literally makes me feel the opposite in all I believe and stand for.i think that's why it makes me feel so ill.
Honestly I don't care if I am on the maximum dose for the rest of my life asking as it make this go away i do not care.
I said to a friend yesterday (as she is my closet friend) if someone said right now if you cut both you legs and arms off and you would never feel this way again I would not hesitate.
I hope you are feeling better now and are on the way up....if you ever need a chat it rougher times please message me and we can get through it together
You are DEFINITELY not alone. It’s so true that we are loving caring individuals. Like many of the replies say the thoughts will run out of steam. Don’t let the thoughts win. My Psychiatrist recently added Rexulti to my Anafranil. It is an anti psychotic. It is only .5 mg but it boosts the antidepressant .Hang in there and take one day at a time
Thank you for you reply.... it is so reassuring to know there are more people like me out there.its the worst thing in the world to deal with isn't it.
I am hoping that the 50mg increase in my sertraline will start to take affect soon and I will start to come out the other side.
It makes me feel the opposite of everything I believe in,as you probably already know.
Thank you for you kind words of support it really means so much
Like I have said to others that have replied,always here for you if you ever hit tougher times.
you are certainly not alone!! I have had the same sort of intrusive thoughts about hurting my son. I can remember one night years ago when I was alone in the house with my son and my anxiety level was through the roof because I was afraid I would hurt him. You will get through this! OCD is a horrible illness, but there is hope!, I have had years of feeling good as well as times of relapses. I hope you are working with an OCD therapist who can help you with cognitive behavioral therapy. Keep us posted.
Thank you for you reply..I can absolutely imagine how off the scale you anxiety was as I am exactly the same...it literally feels like I am going mad and is the most scariest thing in the world.
It sounds absolutely crazy when you try to think of it logically and in a relational state of mind but when your in it it is the most irrational, worst case scenario scariest place is t it.
I really hope you well now and are having good days/weeks.
We can all
Look after each other as I believe we are the only ones who actually knows how this awful illness feels.
Sending you lots of love and support always xxxx
Vicky,
I had these kinds of instrusive thoughts with post-partum as well. I hadn't been diagnosed with OCD then. I knew something wasn't right. I put together all of the things I had experienced and even as a child. I really only had contamination issues as a child, but I started having instrusive thoughts. I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with OCD. I have taken Fluvoxomine also know as Luvox for several years. I still struggle, but it has helped greatly. Hang in there. You are a great mother. Don't let OCD take that away from you.
Bless you....my heart hurts for you and all of the lovely people who have replied to my post as I totally understand how ill it makes us all.
I think we can all agree it is an evil illness and wouldn't wish it on our worst enemies....I wish I wasn't this way and that I never felt like I did, but I think I need to except it's part of me and hope that out of this horrible illness I can help and support others.
I trained in my work as a mental health first aider as I wanted to support others as I truly believe that unless you have gone through something like we do no one really truly understands.
I hope you are feeling better now and the good days are far outweighing the bad
I would suggest looking up Shannon Shy. He is on Facebook, YouTube and Instagram. He has also written a few books. He is a retired marine who was very ill with OCD. He is doing great now and helps others. He helped me too. Good luck!
I have had a bad couple of days and am struggling a bit....I have hooded my sertraline from 100mg to 150mg...it was a week in Friday and the first few days I did start to feel a little better but have had no so great days for the past 2 😔
I was wondering if this is quite normal and will hopefully level out again?
This is perfectly normal. Give the increased dose of sertraline a chance to work. It's still quite a low dose for OCD - it takes quite a hefty dose to attack such a stubborn and unpleasant condition. I took 200 mg for some years, before being upped to 300 mg - doses can go up to 400 mg although doctors need permission and clearance before they can prescribe above 200 mg.
In any case, OCD is a fluctuating condition, as I'm sure you know! There are good days and bad days - remember that a few bad days can easily be followed by good days.
Keep on with the CBT/ERP - the more you practise, the easier it gets. The book Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts might help you.
Perhaps already you're feeling better. Sorry for not replying earlier - I only happened upon your most recent post by accident.
hi there! You are not alone. I also live with ocd and depression and it is tough! I am also on abilify with Effexor and recently increased my abilify. Waiting for it to kick in soon want happier days
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It feels so real 
Ocd struggles
Multiple subtypes
I wish I could have my old life back
