I suffer with pretty bad anxiety. 2 years ago I had a memory or an intrusive thought, not even sure what it was. I’m 49 years old now the memory was of me approximately 30 years ago. The memory was that my friend and I were driving late at night on a dark street. I was the driver. On the side of the road was a man standing and he showed us the middle finger when we drove by him. I then stopped the car and started backing up into him in order to scare him. When I got close to him I swirled out the way and remember not hitting him or running him over. I do remember not seeing him afterwards. This all seems like a dream. Even though I remember not hitting him it started bothering me. What if I hit him or even killed him. I spent a week on the internet searching for any hit and runs in that time frame and that certain area, I didn’t find anything. One day I was really obsessing and the idea of just call the friend that I was with in this memory to get confirmation. I called my friend from the memory and he doesn’t remember anything like this. I doubt that I could of hit someone even though in the memory I didn’t, and forget about it for over 30 years, and my friend doesn’t remember any of this. I believe it was a false memory but the words what if are really bothering me. Anyone with any experience with this?
Thank you In advance.
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Arty1973
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hey arty1973--this is classic OCD. A few years ago this thought popped in my head that I cheated on my wife at a party years and years ago. Even though I didn't and wouldn't and would never, I couldn't shake this thought--what if I somehow forgot? what if I was drunk? what if I just hugged another woman inappropriately? what if this, what if that... this random thought became this obsession I needed to be sure of, so I scoured facebook and everything to see if I could find anything or remember anything more, I was trying to recreate/remember this event in my head from years and years and years ago, I asked my friends if they remember anything (which they didn't--they don't even remember the party, obviously).
all to say: this is such typical OCD. now it's just about sitting with these uncomfortable thoughts--the issue at hand is your OCD, not some "hit and run"/crime nonsense that it's trying to get you to buy into. it's kinda all about allowing these shitty thoughts to ping pong around in your brain and just shrug and say something to yourself like "Great, this is good moment of practice, bring it on, OCD!"
Your OCD is such a loser. It picked such a generic content area. Maybe next time it'll pick a more unique topic 😀
But in all seriousness--I feel for you man. OCD is so brutal and such a struggle--but you got this.
thank you for your reply. So you think this is a false memory, which my ocd took over and is scaring the hell out of me? Unlike your thought, my thought or memory or what ever it is has a visual with it. Is that normal with ocd?
Mind-full's response below was spot on--OCD is always trying to find the perfect "content area" that you will latch on to. Here's a few links that my psychologist sent to me a while back that helped me frame everything a bit better, they might help!
Whether it’s cheating on your spouse, or driving carelessly, OCD will find those little holes in your memory and shine a blinding light of uncertainty through it.
“What if this” and “what if that’s” normally do have a visual with them. If I’m not too mistaken, it’s called thought-action fusion when a person confuses having a thought (visual) with performing the action. Like the great stoics once said: “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
I also have “hit and run” obsessions that date back several years. Like you, I have done questionable things behind the wheel in moments of peer pressure or pure confidence. I highly doubt you hit this person with your car, but with OCD, we must live with “the unlikely” as haunting possibility. Show yourself some self compassion, and don’t confuse shame with guilt. We don’t leave our homes with the intention of harming others, but we do leave our homes inevitably human. We make mistakes, but “doing bad” is not the same as “being bad.”
Lastly, as it has helped me in recent times, I encourage you to respond (only) to consequences. “I could have” hit somebody with my car driving to work yesterday, but I chose not to obsess, ruminate, or dwell here. I continued driving down the road realizing that there will be consequences in the event an accident should ever happen. “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
That is "false memory ocd" there is a category of ocd that is about intrusive thoughts or past subconscious dreams the ocd is trying to play tricks on you. Ocd is usually label the doubting disease and it tends to latch on things we would worry about/morals.
May I suggest a program that I just joined called NOCD it's therapist that do exposure and response at an affordable rate (compared to other places) and they accept insurance. The worst thing someone with ocd can experience is uncertainty and that's where ocd tries to latch on. The more uncertainty (what if, doubts), the more you ruminate/obsessed. This book has been so helpful "Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts" by Sally Winston and Martin Seif. This book has really allowed me to understand ocd better.
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