Fear of Repressed Memories

[Nicolemichaela7]

I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience. I am going to just a TW for abuse just now before I explain. I had a very lovely upbringing and I had never questions this or ever had this kind of fear until I knew it was a thing. I was on Twitter once and I read that a girl had been abused as a child however she repressed it until she was older and one day remembered. Many other people replies with a similar story and I often over think this and become very worried that something might have happened to me as a child and I am repressing it. I became obsessed with this idea constantly looking up symptoms and noticing I had a few of them. Sometimes random things really creep me out and give me a specific feeling whether it’s from a film or a dream or whatever. Whilst this is most likely nothing serious and a normal human response to creepy things, my OCD sometimes makes me believe that I am repressing things, and that I am going to randomly one day remember and my life will be ruined by it. Some days I don’t even think about it and others I can’t stop looking up if this is possible. Usually I am calmed when I look up an obsession of mine and realise it is common and I can just remind myself that it’s my OCD - but I’ve never read about anyone who suffered from OCD to have this obsession. If anyone knows a way I could combat this I would appreciate greatly!

[Hidden]

Dear Nicolemichaela--

Those of us with OCD really want certainty and get tangled up in situations where we do a lot of "what if's." We may think "what if I'm a child abuser" or "what if I ran someone over with my car" or "what if I'm secretly a horrible racist?" This is your brain doing its own variation on it. What we need to do is learn how to tolerate doubt, which is not easy.

I don't know how old you are, but I remember in the 80's in the US there was a huge wave of people who were told by therapists that they had repressed memories of abuse and were even told that if they don't remember the abuse that was even more "proof" that they had been abused. I think where this came from is therapists seeing people who were unhappy and struggling and wanting to find some concrete reason to point to and patients wanting the same thing, which is understandable. But understandable doesn't mean it was always true.

I think the way to combat this is to try to refrain from the rituals around this. When you get the urge to look up symptoms of repressed memories of abuse, try really hard not to do that. Turn off the phone or computer, go out of the house, and distract yourself with something else. This will start to strengthen your living with uncertainty muscles. Find something to tell yourself like, "I may have been abused and repressed the memories, or I may not have. I will never know for sure." Even if you can't refrain from the rituals, see whether you can delay them. You can tell yourself, "Okay, I'll look up the symptoms. But not now. In 20 minutes." When you get that frantic "must-do-it-now" feeling, that's OCD. Believe me--I lost a job I loved last year because I let my OCD get out of control and acted on that "must-do-it-now" feeling.

And don't do what I've heard called "polling"--asking everyone you know, "Do you think I was abused as a child?" That's also a ritual.

Not saying it will be easy. It won't be. It will take time and your doubting will probably morph into something else because OCD is tricky that way.

Hang in there, girl.

Hugs.

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to Hidden]

I’m so sorry I haven’t replied I have only just found your reply, thank you so much!! Your advice has definitely helped me today, I have avoided looking things up and have actually had a much better day in terms of OCD. I have since contacted a therapist aswell so I’m hoping that she is able to help. It does just sometimes get exhausting though, it’s as if I’ll get over one thing and a new fear will pop up. But I know I’m not alone in that and it’s always lovely to hear from other people who are dealing with OCD. Thank you again - hope your well! Take care x

[Hidden in reply to Nicolemichaela7]

Hi Nicolemichaela7,

I have “disappeared into the charcoal grey,” as I call it, several times during my life. The ones I know of were for times when I felt so very threatened by what was happening that I simply could not bear it. I remember a couple of them happening.

My view of having repressed memories is that, if I have them, I have them for a reason — a good reason. Too, I have figured that there is no reason to upset myself inside by trying to discover what it is that I’ve forgotten. If my mind knew I shouldn’t know, then that’s good enough for me. I am grateful to it for protecting me all my life by not letting me know what would most disrupt my life.

I had known for a few years that I’d lost time during my tenth year of life. It was my youngest older brother who realized I remembered nothing of our shared family life at my age ten. He looked at me strangely and then asked me what family had I grown up in?

Unfortunately, my oldest brother had a breakdown a few years later and told me during that time that he’d molested me when I was ten. Now the eight gain, even, of that year made sense. He did me no favors, however, by what seems to be a more self-serving action on his part. He cared nothing at all about me, about my life as it was progressing, nor, later, the person I became upon my unraveling from what he had told me that day. We have been estranged forever years now, and it’s been the right thing for us. He doesn’t “get it,” so, dealing with him is useless.

I’m no expert in this. I did have a therapist in West LA who told me repeatedly to never allow anyone to hypnotize me because it was dangerous for me to allow, and I have abided by his warnings.

Try not to worry about what you may have repressed because your mind obviously did it for a reason. My best wishes for you as you deal with this problem that you are forced to face.

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to Hidden]

I’m very sorry you had to go through that and I’m glad your coping with it well. I remember most of my childhood and there aren’t any chunks of it I forget. It’s almost as if it was pretty much perfect to the point where my OCD is trying to ruin it. I genuinely don’t think that anything happened to me. But I do often fall into the “what if” mindset and become very anxious.

[josepht88]

Hi Nicole, did you find a solution to this issue.

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to josepht88]

Hi Joseph, sorry it’s been so long. Unfortunately this is something that still pops up now and again. Usually intensely for a couple of days any then it will suddenly disappear. It feels so real when I’m able to convince myself I’m repressing something. As if it’s about to pop back into my head and I’m going to remember, but it never has, because there isn’t anything to remember. And as much as I sometimes spiral and convince myself I have repressed memories, my day to day general feelings on it are now that I don’t. I sort of knew that anyway, it is just the “what if”. I hope this is something if you are, too, experiencing that you are able to find comfort knowing your not alone. It’s one of those typical OCD situations in which I can sometimes decrease the thoughts with a simple “I might have repressed memories, and I may not, I might never know” it sounds scary but just accepting uncertainty is always a good step. I also refrain from googling about it. That’s always the worst move: I hope your doing well and this is something that you are able to overcome if you are also dealing with it. Take care.

[Buffalo_123]

Hey Nicolemicheala7,

I have the exact experience with my OCD. Constantly looking through my childhood for signs and thinking I have repressed memories. It's a tough one to get rid of. I've had other symptoms of OCD from contamination to aggressive thoughts and this one has been the most challenging mainly due to the "what ifs" about my family. I have no evidence that supports these irrational thoughts. Similarly mine come and go too. Hope this helps knowing someone has a similar experience. It helped me to read your experience.

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to Buffalo_123]

Sorry I never got back to you here. I am sorry to hear this is something you are going through. I had been able to get rid of it for a couple of years and it has since crept back in and I’ve been struggling recently with multiple ocd themes. It’s hard to remember the easier days when you feel stuck in the bad ones. Have you had any success with this particular theme of ocd? It’s definitely the one that terrifies me the most. I am so glad my post helped you, and it certainly helps me to know I am not alone. Love to you❤️

[OnlineZak]

Hello! Fellow OCD sufferer here. I also suffer from this particular theme and it's excruciating. I find that the more I try to observe particular symptoms in myself, the more it feels as I have them, so the best thing for me is just to let the thoughts pass through and keep focusing on the present. However, obviously this is way easier said than done and sometimes it feels impossible not to react so I don't wanna preach as I still very much struggle with this. Sending you all the best and know that you are not alone in this.

Zak ❤️

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to OnlineZak]

Hello Zak. Thank you for the lovely message. I’m so glad I am not alone. Although I am sorry to hear this is something you suffer from. Love to you. Have you found any success with this theme? It comes and goes for me but I can never quite get rid of it. ❤️