Letting go of good friends who are toxic

[Ocdwarrior]

I just really feel like I need support and am hoping to find someone who's gone through this as well.

So the beginning of this year I started working for a lady. Babysitting and cleaning. I've always always wanted a mentor. And my mom was unsure of her pretty much from the start but she wasn't sure if her worries were unfounded or not. Anyway I started getting really close with her, almost using her as my mentor. Hanging out with her outside of work as well.

Fast forward to last week, she basically told me that she thinks this certain guy might like me. I knew from the start he wasn't someone I could get involved with. I don't trust or respect him. I'm afraid he wouldnt treat me like I deserve to be treated by a guy. And he doesn't have the values I want in a guy. Knowing all this, I still got emotionally attached kinda. I obsessed over him, etc. etc. Even being tempted to go with him, even tho I know he's not the kind of guy I want.

Anyway yesterday, I had an honest talk with my mom. And I realized that not only do I need to protect myself by staying away from this guy but also limit my contact with my boss friend. I knew that she had a negative impact on me, but I had gotten over that I thot. She's not a bad woman, but I don't know if our personalitys don't mesh or what. But she has caused a lot of drama in life. And personally I think it's my fault.

Anyway this whole situation is killing me. I feel like my hearts being ripped out. I know in my head that i need to put up these boundaries, but my heart wants to keep these ppl. I feel like I'm losing so much. I was kinda close to her and really like her. I just feel so depressed and want to cry a lot. Any advice, support, or similar stories are eagerly accepted! I just want to know I'm not alone in this!

I know this isn't OCD related but OCD can make this stuff worse. 😢🤦‍♂️

[OCDAdvocateKatie IOCDF Advocate]

Life stress (like this!) can definitely make OCD feel way worse. I'm so sorry for all that you are navigating and for the pain you are experiencing. Remember, setting boundaries is to protect you, and there is no shame in doing that. I struggle with that a lot, as I've had to set boundaries with many people I care about to stay healthy...but I truly believe being willing to do that can help you live into your values.

[Ocdwarrior in reply to OCDAdvocateKatie]

Thank you Katie for your kind response! I just set up an appointment with a therapist who works with relationship problems, boundary problems, OCD, and is a Christian. So I feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[OCDAdvocateKatie IOCDF Advocate in reply to Ocdwarrior]

I love this! Do you know if they specialize in Exposure & Response Prevention?

[Ocdwarrior in reply to OCDAdvocateKatie]

I found her on the iocdf's website. I'm pretty sure I read on her website that she uses ERP.

[OCDAdvocateKatie IOCDF Advocate in reply to Ocdwarrior]

Yay!!! That is wonderful. Just checking. I'm so excited for you. This is such a big step!!

[Sallyskins]

Congratulations on being such a strong person! I take it that you are very young, in your teens, perhaps? It's good that you know your own mind and what you want in a man.

I think it's a bit dodgy, this woman, who I take it is quite a bit older than you, trying to set you up with someone. It's one thing for friends your own age to say so-and-so really likes you, but for a mature woman to do this with a teenager is, quite honestly, really odd. I'm not saying she's trying to pimp you out, but things like that do happen.

It can be difficult letting go of a friendship, no matter how toxic. I had a friend who behaved really badly towards me while demanding unquestioning loyalty from me to the point where I was expected to quarrel with people she had quarrelled with. She had a habit of breaking off friendships - she broke off quite a few with other people while I was friends with her - and she broke off ours. She still owes me money which I could do with! But for quite a while I missed her company and kept wanting to call her and try to make it up. But I knew it was for the best not to.

Some people just ask too much of us, and it's easy to allow our boundaries to move in their favour, because we want to be a good friend. There's no reason why you should blame yourself. It sounds as though her values are not your values, and that you both know it. And because she's your boss there's a power imbalance.

Try not to take it too much to heart. There are lots of other people out there who will be better friends, and perhaps mentors!

It's so important that you keep your sense of self, that you know who you are and what you stand for, and that you keep a hold of your values. It sounds as though you already do. It can be painful to lose a friendship, but it's more painful to lose yourself in a toxic friendship.

[Ocdwarrior in reply to Sallyskins]

Wow Sally thanks so much for this! You are so supportive and make me feel like I can do anything. ❤️ Yup you guessed correctly. I am pretty young and she is quite a bit older. I knew there were warning signs all along, my mom even wanted me to quit several times, but in all my teenage wisdom 🤦‍♂️ I made excuses for her behavior and didn't want to quit because I liked her so much. She was so much fun and I thot I could be myself around her. Which now I'm not sure that that was true.

She's the kind of woman who wants to help others. She actually has quite a few young ppl boys and girls who hang out with her and she likes to try to help others with their problems.

So yeah today is my last day working for her. Thank goodness I'll only see her for half an hr tho cause I'm not sure I can handle this. I'm giving her a note explaining why I can't hang out with her for a while at least. I know I should do it face to face but I've been an emotional wreck lately and I'm afraid I'll end up confiding in her again so I'm just going with a letter.

Also, I showed your reply to my mom and she wants to thank you for your great reply. 😊