First: I love this site that I just discovered. I feel safe and can tell it all without fear. This is the one place I don't feel the anxiety of OCD.
I'd like to ask if anyone in this OCD community was every bullied severely; not talking about the occasional asshole who says mean things. But growing up did you ever fear someone who was going all out to mess with you, either psychologically and/or physically? I was in constant fear growing up, I was always a target. I was good looking kid and stout but I didn't have it in me to fight back, I ran away a lot. I always wondered later in life if I wore my insecurity on my face and a sign that said please feel free to f*ck with me.
The one time I did fight back as a kid I did some damage and I didn't like myself. I just felt worse.
One time a girl in high school egged another guy on to beat me up, she got a kick out of it, she joined in and punched me a few times. I hadn't done a thing to her, didn't even know her, Other girls came to my defense, and then I was known as a royal wimp for having girls bail me out of a fight. With my size and my strength I was capable of hurting people but I just wimped out all the time.
When I got out of the service I ran into one of my bullies from high school, and instead of hammering him I bought him a drink. after eeverything I still wanted him to like me. What a sucker I am.
Anyone else have those experiences?
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I got bullied at primary school and in the first year of my secondary school. It stopped when I learned to stand up for myself.
I can still remember the primary school bullying as a constant background to school life. It happened in the playground, in the classroom and on the way to school and back again.
At one point there was a gang of boys who beat me up each morning and afternoon break (recess). As outdoor recesses were compulsory, unless it was raining heavily, I would go out alone (my friends were in other classes) knowing that the gang would be there. As they charged towards me, I would sit on the ground so they couldn't actually knock me down, and they would give me a good kicking and punching before charging off.
I didn't dare tell anyone - until the principal found me upset and I poured it all out. He asked for names; I gave him names. He afterwards came into the classroom and called out the names to come to his office. I felt a sense of relief - and scared as well. It didn't happen again.
I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I learned - and learned thoroughly. I'm not trying to blame the victim here, but I do think that while the bullies needs to be tackled the bullied need to learn the skills and sense of self-worth to deal with anyone who tries it.
Is this behind my OCD? I don't know. Many people who have been bullied don't get OCD and many people who have not been bullied do. I think the jury is still out on how much childhood trauma accounts for OCD. No doubt it accounts for a lot of low self-esteem and other mental problems.
Don't think that buying a former bully a drink is being a sucker. And don't think that not using all your strength to hurt people is wimping out.
My first compulsion was rehearsing dialogues in my head over and over and over to deal with my middle school bullies. This went on for many years without me even realizing how sick it was making me. Only later in adulthood was I able to interrupt it, but of course by then I had other compulsions dealing with bullies at work, etc.
I think the fact that you bought your former bully a drink is good. A lot of school-aged kids find a way to make their peers' life difficult, but that was back then. I'm not saying you're not affected by it or should forget it. I understand because my life has been deeply affected by me getting bullied in school.
The guy you bought a drink for might not remember that time in school or even know who you are now. I think the fact that he sat down with you to have a drink shows maturity. And I'm not siding with him. Just saying that people grow up as they get older and most-likely their mindsets have changed.
When I was in school, I got bullied every day, but when I was in college, the people were nice and it seemed like I was in a different world-I couldn't believe I wasn't getting bullied. I had a decent time in college, as far as people accepting my presence. Even though they didn't know me and everyone pretty much stayed to themselves, I was not a target anymore.
So, I think the guy probably grew up, too, and has changed and obviously now has no hard feelings toward you (if he even remembers who you are).
My time in school, actually preschool through 12th grade, was the worst time in my life. I know it can affect someone into adulthood.
If the bully had still been mean to you when you had a drink with him, and if he knew you and remembered what he had done and still was in the same mindset he had in school, I think he'd be immature and one of those people that carried a grudge all through life.
So, I think you did the right thing by buying him a drink.
There is such a thing as trauma bonding. I’ve decided I don’t have to carry hate, but I can’t afford anymore to let my trauma dictate my responses to abusers after the fact.
Thank you, Maxruff! I am working on this with my therapist now. I still go through life with the effects of the bullying and I can't seem to get past it. But with my therapist and me working on it more, hopefully I will get to a point where I can move past it. It's been over 30 yrs and it still affects me. I've never really worked on it before, only the mental illnesses.Thank you for your message!
Knowing your physical strength and understanding that you are better than harming others doesn’t make you a weak person or a sucker. Hurt people hurt people. A Bully bullies because they are in pain but to weak mentally to deal with it productively. As an educator I’ve observed that the targets of bullying are actually those the bullies envy for their strength of character. The fact that you rarely let anyone push you out of your character is something to be proud of…it’s definitely not easy. 🩵
Thanks, never thought of it that way. Society certainly doesn't see it that way. Nothing like like a teacher to tell it like it is.
I've been happily married for 40 years, but we had no children. My wife stuck with me anyway. I didn't want kids because I didn't want them to have my shitty childhood and I didn't think I was equipped to help them if they ran into trouble like I did. I was terrified at the idea of children. My father took off when I was four and my mother had to struggle; she took out her struggles on me emotionally. She began hating men and let me run feral while she tended to my sisters. I was finally able to breathe when I left home for the military.
You’re an emotionally intelligent person…many with the childhood you described actually become the bully. Being a teacher has allowed me to observe human behavior/interaction daily…it take a really strong person to not hurt others when they are in pain. I’m curious about your outlet/passion… EI people are usually more creative than the average person.
I'm a retired reporter and spend time reading and messing around with photography. I also involve myself in projects around the house and I have a shop out back.
I grew up in a rougher area. Being a sensitive kid there was not a positive and I was bullied a lot. My father taught me to stand up for myself (and how to box) so I quickly learned that a swift bop to the nose quickly stopped most bullies. I do think that my OCD played into it though. I remember how I used to obsess and dread certain classes or periods since my bully would be there. I would think, "Okay - I just need to get past 10:00am" or something each day and would catastrophize all the awful things that could happen to me.
As I grew older I learned that I needed to accept that shadow side of me that was capable of fighting. Jung talks a lot about this "shadow work". His theory is that repressing our shadows causes them to come out in unconscious, often destructive, ways. By facing and accepting our shadow selves it allows them to be used consciously. We then can choose to use them or not. They are a part of "you" and are useful if able to be understood. At least that's what I've come to understand.
Sorry for rambling. This is just what came to mind from your post.
I grew up in downtown Baltimore, so it was rough too. My point is that I was not mentally OK with hurting people. The one time I fought back I really hurt someone and I didn't like the way it made me feel, it fueled my OCD in many ways with worry that I was a mean person. Fighting just didn't work for me.
Boy you struck a chord. At times I've felt I bore a "kick me" sign everybody else could see.
The link is to a dramatization from The New Twilight Zone. It's written by Harlan Ellison, who lived through severe bullying and came out successful, but not without scars.
yeah I’ve had similar but less physical. It can contribute to OCD in that you obsess about what it was that you did that made them mad and then even try to people please them. That’s how mine started.
I’m so sorry for all your trauma and how horrible people were to you. I don’t know how to heal myself but I hope you can. This isn’t just bullying it’s abuse. I hope you can have compassion for yourself because you deserved it. And yes some people do deserve to be hammered or hit. I still want to hit people that bullied and hurt me growing up. However I do believe violence can be weakness and people acting like animals. Using words and forgiveness can be equally or more powerful. I’m still trying to figure all this out.
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Scrupulosity OCD. ****Trigger Warning***
All I Know (OCD Compulsions)
