So I messed up one of my paintings and haven’t been able to draw or paint for almost 2 months now (OCD & anxiety stopped me).
I finally get back into the groove again and my bf is watching another show that involves nudity, sex, pedophilia and more (big fun). These shows distract me so bad. Sex is a big issue for me. I was molested at 13 by a 33 year old man, I was raped by what I thought was my friend some years later. Not to mention, his brother sexually harassed me. My porn selection is questionable as well as developing a bit of an addiction to it. What happened to me caused so much damage, but I would never repeat this cycle. I’d rather suffer everyday for the rest of my life as I’ve been then to ever hurt Anyone in the ways in which I was hurt.
Now I’m in tears triggered asf unable to paint or express to him what’s wrong....he doesn’t get it. The OCD ensures a large amount of people will consider me weird and not understand. And in an attempt to save myself, I made a decision not to speak to him about how he has triggered me yet again by his show selection. He already believes I’m too “controlling” but I need to stand firm in every decision I make. But I disagree with him, I’m extremely particular...yes, but he is being insensitive and inconsiderate.
These emotional battles literally take a piece of my brain and the episodes take a piece of my heart every time. I think I need to be single. Can I marry my art?
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Magic214
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I’m so sorry for what you’re going through on so many levels. You sound like a super creative and kind person—and you’ve been through a lot. I’m older than you (60) and we have a shared history of sexual assault. I also have ocd and a son with ocd.
I’m going to respond to you as a mom and a woman;
I’m wondering if you’re unable to tell him what you need/want? If he knows that watching these violent shows triggers you, then why is he doing that? If he doesn’t know that’s one thing—but if he does know and blows you off, that’s really hurtful and uncaring behavior. If asking him not to watch those and he responds by “you’re too controlling “ then the problem isn’t you—it’s him.
OCD might make you structured and if your partner understands that, encourages you in your therapy/treatment, then that’s a solid! But if your partner says you’re “weird” because of OCD and you silence yourself, that’s a deeper concern.
You have a lot to say—through your art, through your own words. If you’re in a loving and safe relationship, you shouldn’t have to be anyone but yourself. Setting boundaries with him about what he chooses—and if you feel like you might be sliding into addiction with what porn you watch—then set some boundaries with yourself. Boundaries are there to keep you safe.
I encourage you to do some self care, however that looks for you. I encourage you to (if you don’t already) find a good counselor to help you walk through life. It’s At the age of 60 I wished I would’ve been as brave as you and reached out at a much younger age. But I’m well into recovery now and grateful. I started my self care 12 years ago. I still have the same counselor and I see her once a year for a tune up
Can you marry your art? Great question—I hope you take that question to a counselor who can help you answer that. I wish you all of the best—don’t stifle your voice.
Thank you for this! I’ve reread it several times now. But I think you are 100% right, I need a therapist, but so far I’ve haven’t had the best of luck with therapists. But I will definitely try because I do think I need to care for myself some more. The anxiety wears me out. I just want to manage these thoughts....geez.
When you’re ready, the International OCD Foundation has a search tool for finding a therapist. Most therapists can offer you support for relationships and boundaries but having OCD requires a specialist (IMHO). Trust your gut on finding the right therapist to walk with you in your journey.
My son found a trusted therapist through the IOCDF. It takes someone familiar with OCD—the positives it can bring in addition to the struggles. His former therapist was brilliant and kept him safe yet he needed the extra layer of OCD Specialist.
Again, I so admire you for listing to your own voice that something is “off” in your relationship. And recognizing this comes from a position of strength.
All the best and know you have support here. You’re not alone.💪🏻
I’m not sure either. I mean I love him, but my heart also aches at the sight of him. Yes I need a really good and probably really expensive counselor. Thank you!
Having boundaries is far from being "controlling", in a healthy relationship they keep both partners safe and there is a mutual respect. It really sounds like this person doesn't respect you, I promise I'm not trying to drive a wedge between the two of you but calling you controlling sounds like manipulation in order to continue unwelcome behavior.
I hope you can find a way to communicate your needs and that he will be more receptive.
I don't blame you for wanting to bury yourself in your art. I hope that your creativity will flow better and that you can shake off the mistakes and keep going without the OCD tripping you up. I know it's hard, I have a pile of sketchbooks that I started and couldn't finish due to the pieces that I didn't like, I'm trying hard to actually finish an entire book but that means living with less than perfect pages and that is difficult sometimes. Maybe we can both push on through.
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My child has OCD
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