My boyfriend saw all my OCD Reddit post and I don’t know what to do

Tonight my boyfriend saw ALL my OCD post about my thoughts and some of my thoughts were “I want black dick” and “I’m thinking of my ex’s dick” and “I like black men” and “I want a big black man to string me out”

He. saw. It. All

And he searched it up after I told him not to.

I feel…. Horrible, I feel l violated and livid because I never told a soul about these thoughts. And they bothered me during my second week of Lexapro.

Now he isn’t talking to me and I’m left wondering. What do I do? I feel like it was wrong for him to search up and look as well. Intrusive thoughts can be…violating.

[deValentin]

Did you post your intrusive thoughts online for everybody to see and with your real name? I don't mean to judge your action, but intrusive thoughts often don't reflect our real values and can be horrific. Your employer or other family members could see them online if they are visible publicly. Unless you experienced OCD yourself, you're a therapist, or a member of this forum, it's difficult to understand they're meaningless.

There is not much you can do now beside learning from the past, trying to patch things up with your boyfriend by informing him about OCD, and move on. I wish you the best in that endeavor.

[Hidden in reply to deValentin]

I didn’t use my real name, posting online like this current forum helped me with my Lexapro management. Everyone was supportive and I was acting out of compulsion but it’s what helped me through week 4 on medicine which was the hardest. I feel…angry and horrible that he even looked when I told him not too. He searched up my username that I gave him months ago, he didn’t search it up accidentally. He went to old screenshots, found my username and then came to find it during this present time. I didn’t even know he kept the old screenshot of an old forum from months ago. I don’t even know how to educate him on my OCD anymore, the thoughts and feelings I placed on Reddit’s were real time, unraw thoughts, I respected his wishes by not telling him yet he broke my wishes of respecting not looking. He makes me feel…worse. I feel like I backtracked. I even posted about cheating urges, and he threw that back against me.

[deValentin in reply to Hidden]

I understand you feeling betrayed. You boyfriend found access to your username. Now trust is shaken on both sides. It's not easy to rebuild trust. It takes time and goodwill. I think though it's possible if the relationship has a good foundation. Some people find it hard to accept that it's okay to have "bad thoughts" as long as one doesn't dwell or act on them. It takes some education.

“You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.” (Martin Luther)

[lml885]

wait, your boyfriend looked up what you wrote? How? Is his anger because he thinks you think about your ex and he is jealous? Have you explained you have OCD? While writing some thoughts down can help “get them out” it can also be a way to compulsively confess. Some of what you said was funny I must admit, I know perhaps you are needing help but some of your confessions are just flat out funny and I don’t see how your bf would be so angry unless he is really insecure or takes it seriously?

[lml885]

also how did he look it up / how does he have access to your Reddit posts? Why post this on Reddit? This is something better suited to a journal or therapist in my opinion

[lml885]

you did tell several souls If you posted it on Reddit and I worry that you are using this as a possible comedy post