This fall I am taking a linear algebra class at a local community college. It's the first class I’ve taken since 2010. For years I’ve been interested in math, but only recently decided to take classes and maybe even get a degree. I started this summer by taking calculus, and this linear algebra class is my second class. By profession I’m a lawyer, and had already spent ten years in school from 1998 to 2010 with a two year break in the middle.
On the first day of class I got there early so waited outside on a sofa chair in the hallway. I had heard very good things about this professor from ratemyprofessor.com, so was excited to meet him. I felt very motivated. One student came in before me. The light in the class was still empty. Then I see a man walking in who looked half drunk and maybe in his 50s. I thought he’s old enough to be the teacher (I’m in my 40s and figured I’d be the oldest student). He did not have the appearance of a math teacher, though. His mouth was agape, and his eyes were wide open like he was squinting to see something.
He walked into the class, though, and turned on the light and headed towards the front of the room where the teacher’s desk was. I still wasn’t sure if he was the teacher, and was pretty nervous in general that morning since it was my first time in a live class in so long. As I walked in, he walked toward me and sort of blurted out an “ai”. I am pretty sure he had said hi to me. At the time, though, I wasn’t focused too well and he said it kind of quietly. I just looked for a desk that I wanted to sit at and found one and sat down without saying hi back. After a few minutes it became apparent that he was in fact the teacher, and once he started giving the presentation he was so down to earth and likeable. He said he had taught high school for 20 years before teaching in college, and he told us to call him by his first name.
This was two Mondays ago and since then I am thinking I made a bad impression in front of him by not saying hi back, and now I won’t be able to make the connection with him for the rest of the course. We had two classes so far, and he did make friendly eye contact with me during the lessons, and I asked a question after class last time and he was helpful. However, I’m thinking he is still thinking I must have looked down upon him based on his appearance the first day, and now I am only being decent to him because I know he’s the professor. I think he may think of me as stuck up and condescending by not acknowledging him when I walked into class. I myself don’t know if it’s just because I was nervous and distracted and wasn’t sure he was saying hi to me, or if it was because I wasn’t taking him seriously.
I want to be able to visit him during his office hours and chat about things in math that I am passionate about, but don’t think I can have a conversation with him with a straight face and feel sincere. I’ve put a lot of importance to math lately- never took math classes in college so I feel that I am finally making up for lost knowledge. I also see the study of math, logic, and philosophy as a way to learn and discover deep truths, and to convey that knowledge to others.
Is it OCD for me to feel hesitant to interact with the professor during his office hours because of this? Should I be feeling guilty over what happened? What should I do? I know that OCD likes to use whatever is important to us at the moment against us. For me math is important, and now I’m thinking I have potentially lost the teacher as a great source of knowledge. Is my passion about math itself obsessional and a type of perfectionism and maybe an escape from my job?
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Winchester2022
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That's really a typical case of overthinking! Just behave in a normal, friendly way from now on, and if he noticed at all that you didn't return his 'hi', he'll certainly forget it now!
In fact he sounds like a typical math professor! Absent-minded, eccentric, so preoccupied with his subject that he doesn't realize how untidy and unkempt and oddball he comes across as.
My own dad was something similar. An engineer (by that I mean a proper engineer, not a mechanic), his head was so full of mathematical calculations about the effects of wind on bridges and the like, it didn't occur to him that he was more than a bit eccentric. Amongst other things, his suit was full of holes where he'd dropped his cigarette and at one point he went around with a pocket calculator - really a sort of mini-computer - on a belt around his middle, like a gun in a holster.
I should be surprised if your professor actually noticed. He sounds like a really decent sort, and if he did notice, he probably just thought that you were preoccupied with settling down in the classroom.
And there's nothing wrong with being interested in math - it's an interesting subject. And if you're not entirely fulfilled by your job, there's nothing wrong with having another interest.
If anything, this professor is likely to feel gratified by your interest in math, and would welcome a chat about it. Often mathematicians are so enthralled by their subject that they grab any opportunity to expound upon it and communicate it. I bet if you examined their blood on a slide it would be full of mathematical symbols instead of corpuscles!
Don't let this hold you back. Enjoy the classes. It could be the start of a new career!
Thanks @Sallyskins! This is very helpful! My dad is also an engineer (electronic), now retired. Your description of your dad was interesting and I see similarities with mine! - the clothes, sometimes absent minded because he’s lost in thought, etc.
You can't go back and change things, so better to concentrate on the learning. The teacher should have introduced himself when he arrived, It's not your fault.
This is the story of my life with OCD, always worrying that I've given the wrong impression or pissed someone off, or looked at someone the wrong way. If you did offend Prof, you didn't do it on purpose, and we OCDers have to accept in life that not everyone will like us. And if he didn't introduce himself to you on first sight that he was the prof, then he sounds like a humbled gentleman anyway and wouldn't hold it against you. I don't think he's offended.
I've had people make unfriendly eye contact with me lately and is what brought me to this site a month ago. But maybe my mind just thinks it was unfriendly eye contact. Again, it's OK that not everyone likes you. Let your work stand for itself, and if you need to tell him your passion about math, just tell him. Can't imagine any professor would be bothered about discussing the thing s/he loves. I give this advice as one who finds it difficult so follow myself.
Thanks for sharing that you can relate to my situation. Part of my OCD is that I feel not genuine- e.g. that I am only now being polite to him because I know he is the professor, whereas I brushed him off when I wasn't sure who he was. I'm not even sure I brushed him off (that part itself could be OCD), since I was focused on finding a seat on the first day and didn't clearly hear him say hi or even know that he was talking to me.
Again, the story of my life, needing to be liked so much that we disallow ourselves the right to be imperfect.
You weren't supposed to know he was the professor, and you were distracted by your need to find a decent seat. It was also the first time you ever saw him. If he has an issue that is his problem. If he's good at math he has the ability to deduce, meaning he has to know that there was know way you knew he was the professor.
If you had been this distracted with another student would you be this worried? If you had brushed a fellow student off would you be concerned how s/he might think about you?
I have these worries about everyone, whether a janitor or CEO. I don't want anyone to think bad of me.
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