Beyond desperate ....please help me. Trigger warning . Is this OCD, or is it official , I have lost my mind ?

[EdenEOCD]

Hello members ....

Trigger alert

I am new and I am looking for support of ANY kind to assist me please . 6 months ago, my life changed completely, and I have been going down hill sense . Everyday is hell on earth now, and honestly I am barley surviving

6 months ago , while standing in my friends home, I had a thought ' go kill him,' . I immediately freaked out and panicked, and at that very split second , I became hyper aware of every single thought in my head . This began to drive me crazy . My doctor placed me on benzos - which I am now free of ( nightmare .... absolute nightmare ) and here I sit , and have sit with what most would call intrusive thoughts, racing mind , and the list goes on and on.. My mind has been repeating the exact same phrases, words , things I have read , experiences I have had , over and over for 6 months. The thing is, I am so aware of my thinking , I now call it THE VOICE, and I ask myself if I always had this voice . I speak to my mind all day , and I swear it tells me to do horrible things ....and I mean horrible things to people . My mind tells me to harm myself , what to eat , what to say .....( Ok yes it's my mind but what I mean is, it does not FEEL like me . I feel I am the observer of this ...not the participant. My mind voice has told me I am going to die , people are trying to kill me , what ifs non stop, how my life is over ......you name it . Words I have read , repeat all day long now. Long conversations with myself , over things I have read , or what people have said to me. Google stuff......it flashes memories like crazy , and calls me names loudly. Even a few times I heard screaming , and name calling in there ! Never in my entire life have I experienced such a thing

My mind talks 24/7, and I am hyper aware of every single word .....and it is very very Negitive these days. .....

I am taking anxiety attacks , crying spells, can no longer focus on TV, books , or anything that brought me pleasure without this constant chatter .

My or the intrusives are beyond, and yes , I have begun to act on them. Meaning - of my mind says I am going to freak out , well I freak out. If my mind says don't eat that , I won't . If my mind says I am a poor mom, I cry ( tho this is not truth ) . If my mind says I will never get better , I break . My mind never shuts up. Ever now. Ever . My mind is killing me harshly with it's words .

6 months ago I was a very outgoing , fun, energetic, lovely , performer. I was happy most days , and loved my life. Everything about it .....now I cry all the time, was in a psyc ward for 3 months ( observation ....and yes a very long observation ) with no meds offered or anything .

The diagnosis was severe anxiety .

Loves , what the hell is THIS ??? After google I choose to come here and ask and look for support .

My days are extremely hard, and scary , and there is a small part of me that has lost hope to all recovery.

I feel alone , and mentally toirtured. I feel not connected to my mind. I am so sick of the same thoughts every day . I feel like ......well, far from who I was ,and lost in a cycle of constant awareness, and anxiety and thoughts that either make no sense , scare the hell out of me, control me, never shut up, or make me ...... extremely depressed .

If you have read this, I thank you . If you respond, I appreciate your time.

And yes , I have worried about every mental illness out there .......everyone , and some days I believe I have them all. I feel so disconnected from myself. I have asked people to .........me. I am tired of being told to stab myself, or hurt that person. ....

Help me please .....help me .

[MelRoseGarten]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m not a doctor so all I can offer is support. I realize you had a negative experience with Benzos but I wouldn’t rule out all medications, they can be very helpful and lifesaving for many.

Are you able to find a psychiatrist either online or in person? It’s important you are evaluated ASAP, because it sounds like you are in a very bad place.

Please know that you aren’t alone. I know that sounds cliche and overused, but it’s the truth. You made a great decision to find this community. Welcome!

[EdenEOCD in reply to MelRoseGarten]

Thank you so much for your reply. As it sits I am at hospital. The thoughts - thought voice took over , and it was telling to .......myself over and over . I know it wasn't my thoughts per ce , but something that I read which got stick on repeat . I grew tired , and came here as I didn't feel safe , and I actually felt I could no longer do this . I actually became very angry - which I am not an angry person - and I felt like I wasn't even me for about 15 minutes. So, as I said, here I am .

[Mabelocd in reply to EdenEOCD]

I am glad you are safe. I pray you get some answers.

[MelRoseGarten]

Well I’m glad you are in a safe place where you receive treatment.

[EdenEOCD in reply to MelRoseGarten]

Thank you ....docs are unsure what is happening , but they started Escatilapram to see if I can lower my anxiety .....I said ok ....so I am trialing ..

This is beyond crazy stuff right here

[sligoguy in reply to EdenEOCD]

Hi there ,because u are a nice person these urges ,thoughts or feelings are sooooooooo horrendous to you ,they flip you over and fill you with absolute fear ,I understand your pain .the constant back and forward ruminating on horrible imagery ,or thoughts or what ever drives you into a tail spin ,this sounds like a big flare up ,the thing to hold on to is the harder you try to put this shit out of your mind the harder it comes back with even worse crap,,,,,see the pattern and remember it ,read about folks who are floored about the time they thought about,driving into stuff or harming people ,or do they love they kids or did they do something really bad I. The past ,,,,,believe me this is classic ocd ,,,,you are having an ocd attack and we all can relate to the stuff that scares the crap outta you ,it's OCD ,and these thoughts are repulsive to you but because it's ocd it keeps picking at you ,cos you are NOT your thoughts it will settle and it will make sense of it, realise it's an intrusive thing and you will learn to beat it

[EdenEOCD in reply to sligoguy]

Thank you . Is there anything I can do ??? Medication ? Anything ??? I am suffering . The voice just won't stop no matter what I am doing. It's horrible.....can you offer advice ?

[Hidden]

This sounds very frightening. Make sure you tell the psychiatrist about the voices, especially if the voices are telling you to do things, like hurt yourself. It might take some time, but you and your medical team will get to the bottom of this. Sending hugs!!!

[EdenEOCD in reply to Hidden]

This is misery .....they say OCD, I say there is no way a voice in your head should talk 24/7 and make you absolutely miserable as this is doing to me. Thank you for checking in.

[DK33]

How are you doing? Any updates? I want you to know you are not alone. No one ever has the exact same experience but I have many similarities to your story and recovery is possible! Ive had hyper awareness OCD and have also been hospitalized as well. I really do hope things are getting better for you. There is hope.

[EdenEOCD in reply to DK33]

Hello .. no , nothing is better unfortunately....it's worse ....but I get through my days ...somehow .. thank you for checking in.

[DK33 in reply to EdenEOCD]

Hi, how are you doing?

[EdenEOCD in reply to DK33]

Did you get better ?

[Hidden]

Dear EdenEOCD,

So sorry you're having a bad time. Wish I could mail you my cats to cuddle. If you private message me your address I'll send you paper mail.

[sligoguy]

Hi ,you are having a tough time of it ,I found that when I had a flare up of ocd the thing that helped me the most was a chat with someone who knows what it's like to have this ocd stuff going on believe me loads of people have this ocd thing ,,,,so first of all you are not on your own,and it will get better not one person I know with ocd is nasty or horrible,all are really kind and loving ,so you are in good company ,love yourself and give yourself a break ,,,,try a bit of distraction from the ongoing thought process ,,,,watch a happy fell good movie ,get outside and see the beauty of nature ,help some one that needs a shoulder ,be the comforter and see how good you are at it ,cos you really know what is the right things to say ,,,,it's the same stuff you would like to hear ,keep your head up you are way stronger than you think

[FearIsALiar]

Intrusive thoughts are normal but never give into them!

[realANA]

just consider your intrusive thoughts as nothing but distractions. try subliminal sessions on youtube. i pray that things get better with all ocd sufferers.