Fear of losing my mind

[Nicolemichaela7]

Hello, I am undiagnosed however I’m almost certain I have pure OCD, and I have yet to seek help considering my current financial situation (an excuse for my fear of opening up lol) I have suffered on and off with intrusive thoughts, false memories, ridiculous guilt for the past few years now, however I believe it’s currently as bad as it’s ever been. I once was at a point where intrusive thoughts no longer affected me as I educated myself on what they are and why I get them, however tonight I am absolutely terrified that I am going to lose my mind, this could have something to do with the current lockdown I’ve been in for the past year almost. I’m scared I end up experiencing some kind of psychosis or schizophrenia. I know there are genuinely people suffering from these conditions and I do not want to offend anyone, however I am terrified that I lose control. I feel very overwhelmed and stuck. I can’t stop googling if it’s possible for ocd to lead to these kinds of disorders, the symptoms, and the dangers and convincing myself I am going to start hearing voices and experiencing delusions, or that I’m doing to hurt someone or myself. I understand this is a very common experience with others who also have Pure O, and deep down I kind of know my fear is in some ways ridiculous, which only makes it worse as I consider myself in some ways paranoid - which I’ve found is a symptom of such disorders! however I really just need help calming these anxieties. I am turning 18 in a few days and I very much feel as I have no hope for an anxiety free existence and it terrifies me. I just want to be happy, but now I see my future locked away and hopeless. If anyone could help me it would be greatly appreciated.

[Ocdwarrior]

Hi Nicole, first of all take a deep breath. Remind yourself this is ocd not me. I know how scary it can be! I've never had that specific thot. But when I was in the throes of my OCD I remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying sure that I was going to harm a child on a trip I was going to go on. I went on that trip and I didn't harm a child. Our thots can be really scary and can even cause physical sensations that make it seem like proof that their real. But these thots are just thots. They have no real power. Take time for yourself and do some self care. You deserve to get better.

Btw, happy early birthday!

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to Ocdwarrior]

Thank you so much for your reply I didn’t expect a response so quickly and your words have eased my mind. It’s always comforting to know that I am not alone! Was there anything in particular that helped you to overcome your fear or hurting others?

[Ocdwarrior in reply to Nicolemichaela7]

Yes. I did cbt and erp. With that I worked through my wrong beliefs and facing my fears. For example I would avoid children because I was afraid of harming them so for an exposure session I would sit beside my siblings and read them a story. It was really hard at first. But now I actually WANT to hold babies again. I still have intrusive thots and anxiety and sometimes I give into it and do compulsions. But I'm so much better, thank God! Also mindfulness was really helpful. So when I started obsessing instead of trying to figure out if I had hurt someone I would just bring my mind back to what I was doing. It gets easier with practice. Although the last little bit it has been tougher. 🙃

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to Ocdwarrior]

Aww I’m so glad your doing better! Hearing other people’s stories always gives me hope. I experience the same king of anxieties aswell so knowing that they can get easier to deal with is really helpful. I think once the Covid restrictions are a bit less severe in the UK I’ll go and see someone about it and hopefully they’ll be able to help me out.

[OCDneedshelp in reply to Nicolemichaela7]

Hi Nicole

Sorry that your suffering, but coming to a place like this is a good place to get started in recovery. You said you’re in the UK, besides here, I know there are free resources to contact that could help you with your ocd if money is an issue.

I am a long term survivor of ocd and know only too well the anxiety, depression and anger it can cause. As OCDwarrior has said treatment and managing it are hard work but can bring real relief and peace. Heck I have had mine wax and wane over the years to the point that for some times I have gone 5 years between episodes.

Currently i have been dealing with some harm obsessions for about 15 months that come and go.

Best of luck and I hope you find help and treatment.

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to OCDneedshelp]

Thank you for replying, like I said it really is reassuring to know that I am not alone and I hope you are well I am feeling a bit better today. It’s always at nighttime my brain just sabotages me! I will look into maybe booking a doctors appointment. Take carez

[reshon]

As an OCD person of over 40 years I can say I have had my ups and downs over the years and I know what it feels like "keeping it to yourself" so no one else thinks the worst of you . Right now with the pandemic I think things can be worse (especially with the phobia parts of OCD) but I believe in the long run the latter part pf 2021 things will get better for you and me.

I recommend reaching out here as a forum to speak, possibly as the pandemic subsides looking for a local support group, but most important try to take a few minutes each morning and meditate visualize a day with little to no issues with OCD disrupting your daily thoughts?

Lastly happy birthday and best of luck, be safe and well.

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to reshon]

Thank you for replying. I really am moved by how lovely and helpful everyone on here is. Just as I felt that loneliness creeping back I came on here to express my anxieties and I must say it really has helped me greatly in feeling like i am not alone. I would definitely like to start meditation. Is there any particular method you’d recommend? Thank you for the birthday wishes aswell! Hopefully I have an anxiety free day

[reshon in reply to Nicolemichaela7]

I really just make it up as I go along. I am in Florida so I imagine sitting alone on the beach eyes closed, its quiet so hearing the waves crash and try and be at peace and imagine then getting up walking away to my car and driving home and imagine it is going to be a productive day with little incidence from my CD rituals, that kind of a day-good luck.

[Nicolemichaela7 in reply to reshon]

Thank you so much for your help, that sounds very peaceful. I’ll definitely take some time to meditate every day. Take care

[nunzia]

Nicole there is hope but you must see a psychologist as soon as possible.