There's a lot I will not say, but what I'll say is enough for you to understand.
What I'm currently experiencing is something that has happened on and off for the first 6 years of the 8 years that I have been experiencing it, with 2022 and 2023 being the peak years. I say this because it’s been going on every single day nonstop, for 2 years. I can only describe what I am going through as a devastating hellscape of unimaginable torment. The first occurrence of what I'm going through was in 2016 on a random Saturday. I was at home in the toilet taking a dump. I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, wiped them, then got out of the toilet. I was in the dining room doing nothing when I got startled by a sound outside. Paying no mind to it, i carried on doing what i was doing. A few minutes passed by and I felt this random urge to go and look at my teeth in the mirror. I stared at myself for like a minute straight and it was at that moment that I became aware of the fact that I was alive. I felt so overwhelmed by it that i tried to explain it to my friend, who could not understand. Annoyed at not being able to explain it, I decided to take a nap. I woke up and it was gone. It happened two more times throughout that year, lasting for a few minutes. This was the common theme for the first six years of my experience. I would have occurrences/flashes at random moments of the day where I would realise or become aware of the fact that I was alive and have bodily functions. My reaction after the first one wasn't like "Yay, I'm alive, what a great thing. Marvellous!" but more like "Holy shit, I'm alive, I feel so stuck in this body, in this mind and in reality. Existence is weird and feels unnatural. There is absolutely no escape". I have felt and still do feel alone because for a long time, I was not able to explain it to my mom, friends and people as well as I somewhat can now. I genuinely feel like I am actively losing my mind everyday, bit by bit. 2021 December is where things took a turn for the absolute worse. Just like in 2016, it happened when I was at home chilling. It was New Year's Eve and I was visiting my cousins for the December holidays as per usual. I felt intense anxiety and forced myself to go about my day in hopes that it would go away like before. I woke up the next day and it was all still there. I have been experiencing it nonstop everyday since.
So, what is my problem you may ask? Well, let me explain it. My problem is that I am aggressively aware of my existence, the existence of others, my consciousness as well as bodily functions and senses. I'm constantly aware of the fact that I’m experiencing my sense of self inside my physical body (and that through my eyes, I view the world around me from this vantage point). As a result of this, I have found it very hard to grasp the fact that I am alive and that others are too, just like me. It's like a switch in my brain turned on for good two years ago that has made me become aggressively aware that I am a living being, existing in this body of mine and in reality. Being alive [and being so aware of it all the time] now feels weird and freaks me out. My bodily functions, my senses and just things that I used to do unconsciously or involuntarily like seeing, thinking, walking, typing, etc. are now things that I’m aggressively aware of all the time, and compulsively obsess over to the point where I find myself panicking and sometimes crying. Simple tasks [like typing all of this right now] not only feel unnatural, but have become extremely daunting and hard to do. I barely eat or get out of my bed now unless I really have to [I now usually get out of my bed or go outside when I HAVE to - cleaning, errands, going to the toilet, etc, daily walks].
There are many feelings I experience/have every day as a result of all of this, the most common ones being:
Anxiety
Fear (of being alive and life after death)
Dread (as a result of the death stuff)
Paranoia
Feeling trapped in my body/mind & sometimes reality
I have now become terrified, not just of my own death, but that of my siblings as well, so much so that there are times in the course of a week where I uncontrollably shake and cry out over the fact that there’s nothing I can do to stop the inevitable death of my friends, myself and that of my loved ones. I never feel at ease when they leave the house for hours on end, especially during weekdays when my mom goes to work and my siblings go to school. Death anxiety & ruminations about death have become a much more common theme in my daily life and I try as much as I can to take my mind out of it, but it is very hard.
There are a lot of unwanted, repetitive patterns/trains of thoughts and ruminations that come with me experiencing this, the big ones being:
Existential thoughts that are largely centred around life after death
Existence
Questioning reality [occasionally] and the existence of others
The eventual death of my loved ones & family in general
Being in public spaces, especially busy ones, is now an extremely daunting experience, one that I try to avoid by all means. The unwanted doubts/questions I constantly have in relation to other people’s existence become exacerbated when I’m in public spaces, particularly ones that are either noisy or have a lot of people as i have mentioned. The unwanted thoughts, doubts & ruminations i have mentioned fuel the feelings that come with the [hyper]-awareness and make me feel much worse.
One of the many trains of thought/questions that plagues me a lot, as a result of this hyperawareness is the constant questioning of other people’s existence. There are times where I think about how I experience my own mind every waking second but can only infer the existence of other's minds through indirect means [there's no direct way of observing someone experiencing being alive every waking second, you can't enter their mind and observe them being alive]. Other people seem to possess conscious perceptions, emotions, memories, intentions, just as I do, but because of my problem, i find it hard to be absolutely sure they do and that they exist in the same way that I do. Not only does this make me feel paranoid, but I fear that it will eventually lead me to a state of solipsism.
Each day, I rotate between the thoughts/ruminations, freaking out over my consciousness, my existence and that of others, solipsism, death, my bodily functions and senses, existence itself and feeling trapped in my own mind/head. It’s becoming harder and harder to ignore all of these things and go on with my daily life. There are a lot of things i do to “cope” on a day-to-day basis, the biggest one being compulsively distracting myself. I mostly do things now because they provide a distraction, allowing me to experience all of this shit for less hours in the course of a whole day. I don’t like feeling this way, I don’t like the experience and everything that comes with it. I feel trapped inside my own mind, and it is just mentally exhausting to be in this state every single day, nonstop
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Danlok
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Maybe your life as you live it is exhausting because you try to fight reality. Reality isn’t always pleasant. Unfortunately, we’ll all die one day, but what we can do is to try to have the most fulfilling life in the meantime, even in an imperfect and uncertain world. For that to happen, we assess what’s important to us and set goals accordingly. When we nurture passions for nature, art, science, sports, politics, etc. bodily functions and the realization we’re alive in a corporeal form go in the background.
It seems that what stop you from living a fulfilling life is your unwanted intrusive thoughts. You can’t will them out of your mind. They’ll have to go on their own. It may take time, but if you stop ruminating and dwelling on them, you may see them slowly fade away. This is the core of exposure and response prevention (ERP). ERP doesn’t make the worst-case scenario disappear magically. What it does is to enable you to tolerate the possibility of the worst-case scenario, so you can focus your energy on worthwhile activities. Yes, it’s possible that everything is staged, like in the film ‘Truman Show’, but what’s the point of letting that possibility be in the forefront of your mind? That won’t give meaning to your life. What gives meaning to your life is to live in line with your real values (this is the core of another time-tested therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy). I wish those two therapies help you lessen your torments.
Hi. I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very difficult to constantly deal with this.
I can sort of relate to what you mentioned in the first part of your post. For the last couple, or few weeks, about 4-5 times total, I have experienced myself feeling like I am suddenly "here". Normally, I feel like I'm in a fog and feel like I have no connection to anything; things are not mentally felt. I feel like I'm just doing things but am not connected to any of it.
So, within those 4-5 times, and only for about 5 seconds per time, I have "come out" of that fog and felt like I was real. I wondered if this is the way others naturally feel-is it the normal way. It happens in the middle of doing something, for example, walking or doing a chore or really any random thing, but always when I am moving. It will come on suddenly and it really is like a "holy shit" moment. It's enough for me to think, "What the hell is happening to me? Am I going to start feeling this way more often? Will this eventually be my new norm?" I ask myself those questions, because after being in a fog for most of my life, and then feeling these very short feelings of being here, I'm wondering if this is something I'm supposed to feel anyway.
I know that my experience with this is not felt to the degree that yours is, but I have experienced some of those things.
You may be going through something called depersonalization/derealization. I'm not sure of that, but some of what you said sounds a little like that. You also seem like an analytical person, and maybe that has something to do with the depth your thoughts take.
I don't have advice on what to do about this, but I just wanted you to know that I can relate to at least a little of the actual feelings you feel, but can relate exactly to the experiences of feeling suddenly alive and having occurrences with this that happen randomly.
YES! It feels like I’ve been disassociating/unaware/in a fog my whole life and have only started “existing/being alive” two years ago when it started happening nonstop as I’ve mentioned. It might be depersonalization/derealization or Existential & Sensorimotor OCD.
The past 5 days have been VERY bad, feels like it’s going up a level. Constantly shaking and crying every 30 minutes to an hour. I have been “managing” it by diverting my attention as much as possible towards something else (academics, cleaning, watching videos & sleeping).
70% of what I do daily is centred around fighting this and 90% of my daily thoughts are centred around fighting everything off, from the awareness to the feelings & unwanted thoughts. It has gotten to the point where I find it hard to remember stuff and keep track of time. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you what I did yesterday, I barely remember anything (there’s like few things I remember like going to the store and helping with groceries but that’s it. nothing else)
Simple tasks [like typing all of this right now] not only feel unnatural now, but have become extremely daunting and hard to do. I barely eat or get out of my bed now unless I really have to [I now usually get out of my bed or go outside when I HAVE to - cleaning, campus, errands, going to the toilet, etc,].
I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon. Hope I get diagnosed & get help.
I totally relate to your problems with memory. I can think of something I really have to do and by the time I leave a room, I forget what it was or even that I had that thought. I forget where I put things so much of the time, like I didn't even do anything with it, but I really did, and, where the hell is it?!Things just fly out of my mind. I think I'm in such a severe fog, that I don't pay attention to what I'm doing and just pass by everything. I could tell you specific things from a day or 5 days ago, but I don't remember the general stuff. Like I couldn't say what time I woke up, even that day, or things I did the day before or what my week was like. When my therapist or really anyone asks me what I did last week or did anything new happen, I don't know! I don't remember much about my previous days. I guess that's the fog.
I've heard by several people that some people have trouble with focusing because they are really anxious and have too much on their mind. You're not really aware that you're anxious, etc., and that that could be the reason you're forgetting things or not paying attention. I have blamed others for doing things (moving/taking my things or hiding them) because I hadn't realized I probably did it. I wasn't in the moment mentally where I was actually moving things myself or doing other things.
I have snapshots of my life, not whole memories. I remember some things, but I couldn't say what I did at an event (even at a b-day party for a family member), or if there even was a party for someone. I assume things happened because why wouldn't some, but the rest is just a blur. Nothing concrete. That's how my life is every day. It sucks because I think what's the point? If I can't connect to anything, why am I here?
I definitely relate to a lot of what you just said. I also now can tell you specific things from a day, not general stuff. Being in this state is so scary, mentally exhausting & very tormenting. I often want to commit suicide because of how bad it is, but I’m scared of death (as I’ve mentioned above) & the unknown of life after death [also don’t want to traumatise my loved ones]. I would have done it a long time ago had it not been for those things. Medication is my only hope for now of having a bit of normalcy in my life. Fuck!!!!!!!
Hi SCC1, as a fellow OCD sufferer, I can relate to the memory lapses you mention. However, I have just recently been diagnosed with ADHD with inattention issues. It sounds to me like those memory lapses could be ADHD/ADD, so it might warrant further investigation.
Hi Spud-u-Like1982. Thank you for the suggestion. I have been wondering about that, too. I hesitate bringing it up to my therapist because I'm afraid she might misdiagnose me because I have other problems, too. I don't want her to miss something if I might have ADHD and think it's part of another one of my issues. Maybe that's a crazy thought, but that's why I haven't mentioned it.
I really appreciate that you told me about this. 🙂
Hi SCC1,I can appreciate that one too. With the OCD diagnosis I wasn't overly depressed then, but they placed me on antidepressants which caused major side effects that resulted in me gaining weight then and developing diabetes. The antidepressants didn't help the OCD and instead brought the ADHD to the fore and the symptoms were very severe. The specialist who assessed the ADHD also believes I'm autistic. I'm currently unemployed and in my early 40s and I'm angry that it was missed, when my school reports all hinted at something being amiss and of wasted potential.
Even if you can, buy or borrow the books Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté. That was recommended to me by the specialist, as the author is a Doctor with ADHD and his 3 children all have it, so he writes from the point view that you may relate to. There is also the book Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults by Lynn Weiss. She is one of the pioneers and she has a son who has it, as does she. I find I connected alot with what she said. You may be like myself and have anxiety, stress, ADHD, OCD and even autism, as they are often in conflict and my mind feels like a battleground most of the time.
Best of luck on your journey and definitely check out those books to get an idea if that might be relevant. It's a tricky journey, but there are many of us travelling that very same road and often we've been undiagnosed (or misdiagnosed) in the past. Keep well 👍
Thank you for the book advice! I will definitely check those out because I'd like to see how one thinks when they have ADHD. My mind also feels like a battleground. That's a great way to put it. Thank you so much! You keep well, also. 🙂
The more you fight it the stronger it gets. You have to stay with the thoughts and feelings without reacting. Very difficult to do but the right therapist can help you
i am having and have had similar things. Being in nature, a drug called naltrexone I am trying to get, meditation, getting REM sleep can help. Dissociation and OCD feed off each other. Exercising to release stuck emotion helps too
Meditation does not help for me, but I’ll check out REM sleep. It feels like I’ve been disassociating/unaware/in a fog my whole life and have only started “existing/being alive” two years ago when it started happening nonstop as I’ve mentioned.
The past 5 days have been VERY bad, feels like it’s going up a level. Constantly shaking and crying every 30 minutes to an hour. I have been “managing” it by diverting my attention as much as possible towards something else (academics, cleaning, watching videos & sleeping).
70% of what I do daily is centred around fighting this and 90% of my daily thoughts are centred around fighting everything off, from the awareness to the feelings & unwanted thoughts. It has gotten to the point where I find it hard to remember stuff and keep track of time. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you what I did yesterday, I barely remember anything (there’s like few things I remember like going to the store and helping with groceries but that’s it. nothing else)
Simple tasks [like typing all of this right now] not only feel unnatural now, but have become extremely daunting and hard to do. I barely eat or get out of my bed now unless I really have to [I now usually get out of my bed or go outside when I HAVE to - cleaning, campus, errands, going to the toilet, etc,]. I often want to commit suicide because of how bad it is, but I’m scared of death (as I’ve mentioned above) & the unknown of life after death [also don’t want to traumatise my loved ones]. I would have done it a long time ago had it not been for those things.
I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon. Hope I get diagnosed & get help.
yes I have similar and can’t get the help i need it seems especially since the pandemic. Meditation can help off and on even try one for derealization on YouTube. I often feel like dying too, that things aren’t real, i think we are in an age when technology/AI is taking over in some ways. I know naltrexone helps certian people if you can get it. Also grounding, being in nature, trying melatonin and benzodiazepines like klonopin as a last resort. I know you are suffering, hang in there, it helps me to know i have the same thing and it may help someone else. It is also impossible to control your mind which is what some try to do with sensorimotor. Exposing yourself to the panicle and trying not to judge or give it meanin can help.
I can relate to some of the thoughts and feelings you have, I have experienced them as well. Do you have an OCD therapist? Because this certainly sounds like classic OCD. There is help! You have a disorder and your mind is distorting your thoughts. The more you ruminate and try to understand the more you feed the OCD beast. If you don’t have a therapist there are many good books to help you. The OCD workbook is one. OCD can be debilitating but I promise you with the right therapy you can get well. Keep us posted.
Good luck Danlok. Hope you get the help you need. You are a good person and deserve to be well. We are all here to support each other so reach out when you need to.
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