HOCD

[Yayo2020]

I’m 41 years old and have been with my beautiful wife for 24 years. We have 3 kids and about a month ago I got hit with sexual orientation intrusive thoughts. They became a type of HOCD. I’m struggling with it every day. I hate it. It’s starting to wear on my wife as well. I going to make an appointment for it. Any advice??

[MothFir]

Unless you really are making plans to cheat on or leave your wife, or you really feel unhappy with your current orientation, the thoughts are just random thoughts and mean nothing.

This concept is perhaps easier to recognize with other forms of OCD. When I am struggling with contamination obsessions, I sometimes get the thought that my hands are contaminated and need washing WHILE I am washing them. They are soapy, they have hot water running over them, they are clean enough that I could go operate on somebody's appendix if I wanted to, but in my mind they feel filthy. In this case it is obvious to any outside observer -- the thoughts are completely irrelevant to reality, and washing again, or worrying about washing again, is a total waste of time. The only rational thing to do is to dry off, accept the feeling that I am still contaminated, but act as though my hands are clean. That makes me anxious, but the more I can do that, the less power the irrelevant thoughts will have, because I'm showing the anxious part of my brain that they don't matter.

The same approach can be applied to any form of OCD under the sun. You have to accept the unwanted thoughts but don't give them any credibility. (Most people, OCD or not, have weird thoughts that don't represent their true wishes or significant external threats. Those of us with OCD just latch onto them and struggle to recognize that they are irrelevant.) Don't focus on the thoughts' content, don't ruminate on what they might mean, and don't do compulsions to make them go away. Just say, "Oh, there's that weird thought again. I'm tempted to worry about its content because I have OCD, but that only makes it worse. I'm going to move on and live with this feeling of anxiety, just as I would put up with a sore back or congested sinuses. It means nothing about me or my marriage. The only thing remotely affecting my marriage right now is this ridiculous OCD, and I'm not giving it any more power over us."

This process is basically ERP therapy -- when you get an appointment, be sure you see a therapist who is trained in OCD and ERP. That, and maybe medication, will likely get you to a much better place mentally. Good luck, and congratulations on your 24-year marriage. You can get through this just as I'm sure you've gotten through other challenges in the past.

[Breakfree333]

Make the appointment and go all in on treatment. Don’t be afraid and just do it. It’s not worth ruining your relationships because of some perceived bs fears and what if stories. Get the help you need brotha. All the best and keep looking up.

[3BirdLover]

It really helps me to realize that 'just because it's a thought doesn't make it true'. I used to think when intrusive thoughts came into my head it must be true...there must be a reason the thought came into my brain. WRONG. OCD would like for you to believe this, but it's just not the case. People that do not have OCD will see a thought zip through their head, acknowledge it, say it's not true, and let it zip right back out again. Not us. We will have to analyze it upside down and inside out over and over again, until we are in a huge loop in the brain and it cannot get out. It's exhausting. Then if you have to 'confess it', that is a compulsion. Once that starts, it's super difficult to break the pattern. BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!!

It's hard to not fall back into an old pattern....at least with me. I will still have an intrusive thought pop in, but have learned to acknowledge it as an intrusive OCD thought, and have challenged myself (as an ERP event to grow from) and let it go. It does help to build confidence in myself.

An OCD therapist can help you. Please do not be afraid to seek this help. Remember that this is a brain disorder....it is not shameful or your fault. ❤