Feeling stuck with my Contamination OCD - Any Advice?

[Fern_fawn]

Aaah, me doing another impromptu look for advice about my contamination OCD...

I am very new to this website (I didn't even know it existed before today) but, having seen that this group was fairly active I thought I would join to see if I could get some support.

I've actually already sent an e-mail to the charity OCD Action explaining my situation in more detail, but they haven't gotten back to me yet, and I'm feeling really stuck right now. I haven't been able to phone them (OCD Action) because someone who I don't want to know about my situation has been coming round my house everyday, (their last visit was today) and dang-I just realised that I won't be able to until Monday since their lines aren't open till then.

Luckily, I am going to be starting with a therapist on the 19th, who says that they are skilled in helping people with OCD. Though, I feel like that can't some soon enough.

I'm just really struggling right now to function. I've been reading a bit of other people's stories, and I now know my scenario probably not as extreme as some, but I'm still finding it hard to cope.

My contamination OCD means that I am washing my hands on average for around 4-5 hours a day. It typically takes me around 20 minutes to complete a single hand wash, and I feel like I have to wash my hands much more often than normal. I have had two OCD-related crisis in the past five days (One of which meant I was washing my hands for about 6 hours) and I have lost so much sleep from them both that I am now exhausted. These crisis has also made me feel like I could have potentially infected my Dad and my sister, and I fear that they will get ill and (especially in the case of my Dad, who is 66) die because of me. I already had self-diagnosed myself with thanatophobia (fear of death, and in particular, fear of myself and my family dying) before this outbreak, so this doesn't help. I also fear I might have contaminated my bed at some point (though my Dad changed the covers...I still have anxiety about it).

I'm currently writing this when I should be downstairs getting some water and some food, but I just don't want to leave the safety of my 'clean' laptop. Because I feel the need to wash my hands before and after handling any glass, or kitchenware, I am typically dehydrated.

At the moment I am typically only eating Nature Valley snack bars and the main meal that my Dad prepares for my family because (apart from said meal) I only feel safe eating things that are from a packet. This has meant that for the past seven months I have consisted on eating wrapped snacks (it used to be only chocolate until I realised about a month ago that the Nature Valley bars would be a healthier alternative-why in the world did I not realise that sooner?), the occasional banana (since I can touch the skin of the banana and not the flesh that I eat) and the main meal. I know this means that I am probably malnourished (which has brought along its own set of anxieties for me...) . My Dad has tried to get me to take a vitamin tablet, but I haven't worked out how I am going to do that and still feel like I am not contaminating the tablet before I take it.

It also takes me from 1 1/2-2 1/2 hours to complete my routine where I brush my teeth (I also used to wash my mouth, but I currently am unable to do that) before I can go to bed.

I guess my daily routine looks like this:

-Wake up

-use the bathroom

-wash hands

-eat + drink

-wash hands

-Go on my laptop + Draw

-Have dinner

-wash hands

-go on my laptop again + Draw

-go to the toilet

-Wash hands

-Brush teeth

-Wash hands + arms

-Go to bed

It also takes me around an hour of prep before I can get into the shower, and around an hour afterwards of prep before I can go back to going on my laptop or my phone. (Added in with the hour I take to have my shower, this means it takes me 3 hours to have a shower, which is exhausting). My routine looks like this:

-Wash hands

-Move my towel downstairs into the shower room

-Close the door

-Undress

-Clean the taps

-Wash hands again

-Shower

-Wash hands again

-Get dressed

-Put my towel and clothes in the washer (+sometimes dispose of the tissues I discard on the floor)

-Wash hands again

My Dad has tried to be as helpful as he can, though, understandably, he is really frustrated that my routine is causing us to loose so much money through a 4x inflated water bill...

I have been able to have a little bit of therapy regarding my OCD in the past seven months. I know a little bit about EPR, and I've been watching more videos recently trying to find something that will really click with me and get me to stop doing my compulsions...I've been trying by myself to limit the number of counts that I feel I have to do when doing each action of my long hand-washing cycle (right now my count is 12).

I'm just getting so tired. My crises this week have made me feel so miserable. I just wish I didn't spend so much time on doing the basics. Everything apart from relaxing feels like too much energy and a chore. This on top of already struggling with intrusive thoughts and worries brought on by my CPTSD feels almost unbearable. Life has just felt like a series of traumatic and painful events and this is no exception. Thankfully, even after the horrible things I've been through, I've never had active suicidal thoughts, but man, I just wish life would give me a break.

I guess there's a lot more I could add but I am too tired to explain much more. If there's any additional information you might want to know in order to get a better perspective then feel free to ask me in the comments. (I should be asleep right now...and I need another 15-hour sleep this evening to catch up on the sleep I've missed this week).

Thank you though for reading everyone. It means a lot to me if you choose to take the time to reply and give me advice. I guess, to summarise, my questions would be:

1. Do you have any advice on how I can limit the amount of time I am washing my hands? (I am trying to force myself to reduce the number of counts but, yeah, it's hard).

2. Any advice on dealing with the uncertainty and anxiety about having potentially infected someone you love? The fear that you might have caused their deaths because of a mistake you made in your routine?

3. Any advice on how I can reduce the amount of time I spend doing my shower routine?

Thanks so much again. I hope you have a good day. (I will go to get some food and drink now and go to sleep...)

[Hidden]

I would like to welcome you to the OCD Support Network.

We are here to offer help and hope to each other.

We are in this together.

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time with the compulsions.

I hope you feel better soon.

Take Care.

[Fern_fawn in reply to Hidden]

Aw, thank you very much.

I hope you take care too.

[LuvSun]

Firstly I would like to welcome you to the forum. I am glad that you have discovered it. I find everyone is very supportive and helpful and really helps me a lot. Since I have never been in a live person support group I have really enjoyed reading other’s posts and trying to reply when I feel I can. I can really relate to you. My main obsession is contamination to others. I have helped myself tremendously by reading lots of helpful books. I wish I could give you specific suggestions on how to best tackle your fears but I think you have to just find what works for you. I’m sure others on here can give you more specific suggestions. Just remember you are not alone in this!

[DeathtoOCD]

Well, OCD is OCD and frankly for you it is intense because you are the one going through it. I will say though it seems intense to me. I have some commonalities with you, in my case I had to have my mo turn on the shower, and that was only once a week. It took me forever to get up and to eat, and even use the bathroom, mine started out as contamination, and then it morphed to include surupulatiosity and contamination, find someone to talk too, ERP really helps, if you find someone who knows about it. Reducing the rituals is the best way to do it, if you can reduce just a little bit then that helps.

[sligoguy in reply to DeathtoOCD]

not to over simplify things .but look around you ...people are not doing the same exhausting rituals around health .food .and contamination....so ...that is the 1st place to start ans golk are NO T dying and being sick at every turn .....so realise that we are the ones with the problem and its called OCD ...you deserve to have a life .take the risks .....there are no certainties in this world ....you are no more a danger than anyone else Belive me .....take a risk every day Don't try to crack it in one go ....you will beat it

[MothFir]

A therapist who can guide you through ERP, along with an anti-obsessive medication to make therapy easier, are likely your best bets. Be completely honest with your therapist about your symptoms and progress (or lack thereof) as you work with him/her. Your case sounds fairly severe, but I have read of many folks with severe contamination OCD getting much better fairly quickly after learning new ways of framing their fears and handling their symptoms.

I have mild-to-moderate OCD and contamination is often a theme for me. Here are some things that have helped me and might help you with the three questions you asked:

1) You must always remember that your fears and behaviors stem from a mental disorder, not reality. As sligoguy pointed out above, no non-OCD person is washing their hands for 20 minutes, avoiding touching their food, or showering for 3 hours, and they somehow stay healthy. (And if they aren't healthy, no doctor is blaming their illness on a lack of 20-minute handwashing or 3-hour showers.) The official recommendation for handwashing, for example, is soap and warm water for 20 SECONDS or so. Wash for 20 seconds, and your hands are clean. None of the washing you do after that is making your hands any cleaner, or you or your loved ones any safer. NONE OF IT. It is only a physical ritual that reduces your mental anxiety. I think it is critical to deeply accept this in your rational moments in order to proceed with therapy. To some extent, you already do, or you would be posting your questions on a personal hygiene site and not an OCD site. So never forget it, especially in the thick of an obsession when the fears feel so real. Your fears are based in your anxiety, NOT REALITY.

2) The essence of ERP therapy, as you probably know, is exposing yourself to your fears and resisting the compulsions that give you short-term relief. The more you do that, the more you teach your brain that the compulsions are unnecessary, and you will get lasting relief. So you might be required to wash your hands for only 20 to 30 seconds and then stop. Now, as long as you persist in the belief that you must continue washing for everyone to be safe, it will be extremely hard to stop. Why wouldn't it be? Nobody wants to hurt themselves or their loved ones. BUT remember #1 above -- we have already established that 20 to 30 seconds is plenty and everyone will be as safe as possible. You are endangering NO ONE by stopping at 20 seconds. Your OCD will do everything to convince you otherwise ("You missed a spot!" "The water wasn't hot enough!" "It was only 19 seconds!") but it is LYING to you. It will generate those horrible feelings of anxiety that we all know too well, but they do NOT reflect a genuine danger. Yes, they FEEL real and the situation FEELS dangerous, but there is NO REAL DANGER. Appreciating this makes it easier (not easy, but easier) to stop washing even though everything inside you is screaming that you shouldn't stop. And that's what you need to do to retrain your brain and succeed at ERP.

3) Establish some protocols for your triggering activities when you are rational and not caught in an obsession. Washing hands with soap and warm water for 20 seconds is the first example. You can decide what's a reasonable time to spend in the shower -- 10-15 minutes? For eating food, consider whether any health department has ever recommended eating only packaged snack foods in order to avoid contamination (hint: I've never heard of one ). Do what you need to do to establish what is reasonable, safe behavior, and then draw a line between that and all the extra stuff you are doing because of OCD-generated anxiety. Everything on the OCD side should be considered irrelevant garbage that you should work on eliminating through ERP.

4) Expect to feel distressed when you don't do your rituals. When you stop washing your hands after 20 to 30 seconds, you will feel awful (at first). You will feel like you are stepping off a cliff into thin air. You must have faith that the anxiety will eventually diminish on its own, and you must accept this painful process as a part of your recovery. Try not to be fooled by the OCD telling you there is real danger, and don't think your feelings are an indicator of a real problem. Remember why you feel awful: you have OCD, and that's what it does. The more you feel that awful anxiety and resist the urge to relieve it through compulsions, the stronger you will become and the anxiety will begin to lessen over time.

5) Try not to fear the anxiety itself. You can handle it better than you think you can. Remember it is not based in reality! You are not endangering your loved ones by not doing compulsions, you are only experiencing physical sensations of anxiety. Approach your exposures with a willingness to experience pain. Just like a physical workout, you may wonder why you are going through such misery, but afterwards you will feel stronger and empowered.

6) Set realistic but challenging goals. If you're currently washing your hands for 20 minutes you're probably not going to get it down to 20 seconds overnight (though you might). Maybe aim for 10 minutes one day, then 5, then 1. For the process to work, you need to quit washing before you feel like you should so you can experience anxiety and get habituated to it.

7) Accept that there is no 100% certainty. Even all your OCD washing and precautions do not change that. BUT if you follow basic hygiene protocols established by people without OCD, you will have done all you can to keep your loved ones safe. They may still get infected by you, and we may all be wiped out by an asteroid by the end of the month. Stuff happens, and you can't control the universe. Don't worry about remote, OCD-based "What if" scenarios. Much of the goal of therapy is to get you comfortable with uncertainty.

I've been doing ERP for a few months and have seen that it works for me. When I resist compulsions I feel very anxious but later I feel peace of mind and a sense of freedom. Not all techniques or medications work for everyone, so keep looking for a system that works for you, and then practice it religiously. It is not easy to battle OCD, but it is even harder to live with it, both for you and your loved ones. Think of how happy your dad will be as you start to get better!

Here's a website that may help. This therapist's way of explaining the disorder and its treatment have really resonated with me. His books "Stop Obsessing!" and "Stopping the Noise in Your Head" are both very good (the first one has some really detailed self-help plans for common themes, including contamination, and it's a couple decades old so used copies are available cheap!)

anxieties.com/

Good luck, and please keep searching until you find a treatment that works for you. There's no need to live like you are now, and you will find a fresh appreciation for life as you escape OCD's prison. You will likely have setbacks and days where you wonder if any progress is being made, but keep at it. OCD is powerful but beatable.

[Yvonne_S in reply to MothFir]

What an amazing post, thank you! Really helpful.

[newmercies]

I struggle with contamination related fears as well.

I highly recommend doing ERP (exposure and response prevention) alongside a trained therapist. It will gradually help you be able to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty you feel when the triggers arise. Here is a link to more information: iocdf.org/about-ocd/ocd-tre...

I hope this helps. You are not alone. ❤️

[Albertina_G]

As others have mentioned on the thread, seek help. Exposure and response prevention therapy is the way to go. Apart from the IOCDF link, this is another good resource that you may find useful - treatmyocd.com/blog/contami...