new here, first (and long) post - mainly talking about my pocd

[thisisdogogs127]

Hi. I'm not really sure if anyone will see this but either way, I feel better getting this all out and not keeping it in.

So, I'm a 16 year old girl (and a lesbian, only relevant to say right now because it's gonna come up later). I've had symptoms of ocd since I was around 10 or so, but I was only diagnosed last November; I was diagnosed with anxiety at 6 so my mom assumed many of my mental health issues were symptoms of anxiety, when in reality I actually have not only anxiety (including social anxiety), but also ocd (of course), depression, adhd, and tourette's syndrome.

My early symptoms starting from when I was 10 weren't that bad: I just had small routines like only stepping on certain parts of the floor, or clicking my tongue on either the left or the right side of my mouth when I passed a car on that side. I never faced too much distress from them either so I didn't worry about it. My ocd got worse when I was in 7th grade, when I suddenly was hit with 2 main fears: that I was going to commit suicide (at this point in time I wasn't depressed and wasn't suicidal at all), and that my mom was secretly planning to kill me. These fears began to consume my life and led to more problems, like my tics from tourette's going from being very infrequent to much more often and noticeable. My parents took me to my younger sister's therapist, but she was really bad at her job and did nothing to help; she often silenced me when I was talking and dismissed what I had to say about MY conditions. Eventually, my problems got manageable again and I felt normal and ocd free, until a year later.

In 8th grade, I had a girlfriend who broke up with me unexpectedly so she could date someone else, and it suddenly triggered my ocd. I developed so many different obsessions and compulsions and even though it wasn't as bad as the year before, it was really difficult. Again, after a few months my symptoms got better and many of my ocd thoughts went away. A few months after my symptoms got better I got diagnosed with all of the things mentioned earlier and switched to a much better therapist.

Now, I'm about to go into 10th grade and my ocd has been going up and down for the past year. I currently deal with stuff such as: being worried I'll go crazy and murder a bunch of people, contamination issues (frequently washing my hands and stuff), fear of expired foods (like constantly checking to make sure my food's expiration date isn't anywhere near, being very cautious while eating anything I didn't check/wash, sometimes refusing to eat from restaurants out of fear they'll serve food that has food poisoning), rearranging things, and being very symmetrical and making sure the left and right side of my body are equal, or else my body feels tingly and I feel sick. But the worst of all has been what I think is pocd.

It started a year ago, when I was looking at baby pictures of my best friend's sister. I suddenly felt a wave of fear and I asked myself "was I just attracted to this baby picture?" After that moment, I've been plagued by the fear that I could be attracted to younger kids. It's by far the most horrible thing I've ever dealt with. For months, I didn't know pocd was a thing, so I kept to myself living in fear that people would find out that I was attracted to kids, even though I knew I really wasn't. I was even scared I was attracted to young boys as well, even though I've known I was a lesbian since I was 11. This, instead of being used as proof that I'm not actually attracted to little kids, just made me question the sexuality that I've been open about for years. One day, I had the realization that maybe I wasn't a pedophile, and that it could be really bad intrusive thoughts. I searched "pedophile intrusive thoughts" and found out about pocd. Instantly, I felt better, and I slowly led myself to recovery by following others' steps (such as being around children to combat the fear, and letting thoughts in to show they have no control). For a while, I had no fear at all of being a pedophile and it all seemed like some weird memory, but maybe half a year ago the fear came back all of a sudden.

I kept telling myself "you know it's pocd" but this time it didn't work. I keep doing exposures like my therapist is telling me to but they don't work: I babysit for my neighbors (there are 5 of them between the ages of 2-7) and feel fine, but afterwards wonder "are you sure you weren't turned on at all?". A month ago I visited my little cousin and he was walking around naked; I wasn't turned on which made my ocd much better, but that night I had a dream that I was aroused by him which sent me into the worst ocd and fear I'd had in months. 2 weeks ago, however, I thought I was finally getting over my pocd - I went to an all girls summer camp for a week and wasn't attracted to the younger girls in swimsuits at all, which was my biggest fear. I also met a girl who I thought was really cute and looks my age or even older. When I found out her real age, 13, I immediately lost any attraction to her, which boosted my feeling that I was overcoming the ocd. Since I got back from camp, I've been feeling good about the pocd, until a couple of days ago.

I have a bigger sex drive than most of the girls I know, and it's been even higher recently. So I've been randomly getting turned on throughout the day, some of those times being when I see a child. It's causing me a lot of distress, even though I know realistically it wasn't the child who got me aroused; after all, this has been happening randomly. But it's still really hard to shake the fear. The issue that prompted me to write all of this in the first place was me getting randomly turned on right before I was thinking to myself "would I really be turned on by a kid? wouldn't I be more aroused by someone my age?" so I took the feeling as my body agreeing that it was turned on by a child.

So that's the end I guess. I just really needed a place to let this out. If you did read the entire thing, thank you, it means a lot.

[EleanorRose]

This sounds really difficult for you and experiencing anxiety from such a young age must have been tough. It’s really brave to share your story with us here - it can be hard sometimes when we don’t know anyone else in our personal lives with OCD.

OCD is very clever and finds a way to prey on our deepest fears, which means our fears and obsessions can change and develop overtime but the problem remains the same - OCD. Obsessions can also fluctuate in severity - you had been starting to feel better until a few days ok and will get back to feeling ok again.

My very first ‘big’ obsession was that I was going to get pregnant (I was around 10 years old) - I had a lot of weird things that I was convinced were going to make me pregnant and a whole host of compulsive behaviours to try and stop it. Even though it was nearly 20 years ago and I am 100% certain it was all caused by OCD, it makes me feel uncomfortable looking back on it.

My biggest fears nowadays are around my health and I have a whole range of obsessions and compulsive behaviours. Like you, most of the time I know it’s the OCD but other times I find it hard to believe. I just have to keep reminding myself. It IS OCD, as are the fears you’re experiencing. You’re trying to find evidence to reassure yourself but you don’t need to, it’s just all part of the OCD. Don’t give the OCD what it wants; remind yourself you are a good person and try not to give it any more thought - the intrusive thoughts will keep coming into your head but don’t give them your time by dwelling on them. I know that’s harder than it sounds sometimes.

I’m glad to hear you’re having therapy but not all therapeutic techniques work for everyone and that’s ok. If exposure therapy isn’t making a difference to you, perhaps you could ask your therapist to try a different approach?

Take Care

Eleanor

[EngelSwizzle7]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so grateful. I was diagnosed with OCD a little bit more than a year ago, and something that probably scares me the most about it is this idea that it is a SHAPESHIFTER. OCD can masquerade under all kinds of themes to make us give into the compulsions that it wants us to do...but it is still OCD. Since working on exposure therapy, I have been getting better at identifying OCD feelings, but it is still tricky.

Probably the line that has stuck most with me from my treatment is "lean in" -- and with that lean in is the idea that OCD needs you to call its bluff. I could seek reassurance from others that what I had done was good, or that I was smart, or whatever...but then I realized that the reassurance seeking in and of itself was a ritual. I had to lean into the thoughts themselves.

And so I do imaginals a lot. That means rather than saying to myself, Oh it's OK it's just OCD it's just OCD, I actually try to engage in the thought. For me, that means saying to myself, depending upon the situation "yes, I may actually say something incorrect to that person...and then they will think that wrong fact, and share it with others, and then someone will find out and think that I don't know enough to have the position that I do, and that I will get fired...and then...and then..." I record myself saying these things. And then I listen to the recording and really try to lean in and feel it. And then usually a few days later, my OCD can't stand up to that particular thought pattern. so HA!

I know it sounds horrible, but what if you recorded yourself saying "I may actually be attracted to that cute, sweet little kid...I may actually want to touch them and then...and then...and then..."

Maybe ask your therapist about helping you with an imaginal exposure? I know some people write them first.

I really hope that you start feeling better soon