Feeling lost

[CRECHE12]

I am 34 and my husband is 45 and we meet 6 years ago, we got married 2 years later and started trying for a baby. Pretty much straight away. We are now 4 years into our journey, after 2 years trying on our own we started seeing a fertility specialist. At first i thoguht the problwm was with me as as long as i csn remember i have always had peonlems with my periods, i couldnt take the pill and i have a hormonal skin condition. I had a fertility check up with my gp when we first stsrted trying as i had always felt i had pcos but all the tests came back okay. So it was a surprise when we stsrted seeing a consultant that my husband sperm samples had no sperm it them, nd then i was diagnosed with insulin resistant pcos . Both with a little weight on us every appointment was all about our bmi, how much weight we had to lose and how there was still the option to adopt or use a doner. It was said s if it was such an easy option, it made us feel awful like we were too fat to have children, and that even before we had explored all the ways for us to have our own baby it seemed we had little options. Despite that we wanted to try everything we could to have our own as naturally as we could. I started metformin, tried and failed to lose weight, had a scan for ovulation, that showed that I wasn't ovulating at the moment, we had a private 2nd opinion and my husband had loads of tests to try and figure out why he had no sperm. After what has felt like a lifetime of waitng last week my husband had a sperm retrival op and unfortunately they found nothing. I am so lost now and despite discussing that we have decided to be childless and not use a doner or adopt I feel very empty. I am a childminder so I have spent my working life looking after and loving other people's children which was why I didn't want to adopt as I craved to carry my own child but now I am scared that my work is going to be a every day reminder of what I could of hand. I don't no if we are making the right decision but I feel also selfish to use another man's sperm as my husband is so broken because he can't give me a child. We are currently living in a caravan on my in laws drive trying to finish building a house so we have had quite a lot of stress alongside trying for a child, my mother in law can be hard work and it hasn't been easy at times yo life like this as well as try to work here too. Sometimes I feel like we never tried hard enough and if we changed our mind to use a doner would my husband be just going along with it because I want to me a mum. Would I spend my life trying to make sure he was okay rather than enjoying being a mum. Would it ruin our marriage, if the house was still unfinished and we had a success with ivf we couldn't continue to live in our small caravan we would have to rent, If we rented would we be able to afford to finish our house would my husband begrudge me because I wanted a baby. Wpuld i be alone in bringing upa child, would my husband feel like losing weight so we eould qualify for ivf? I feel there are so many questikns and i dont no how to seperate them.I don't really know what I'm asking but I just needed somewhere to get it out. I feel guilty for being sad when he's hurting too, I wish I could take his pain away, he would of made an amazing dad and it just feel so unfair and I have no idea how to go forward. Thanks for reading xx

[Xmishell37]

It sounds like you've got so much going on in your life and your mind and it might be wide to try prioritise these issues one by one, it sounds like being a mum is the most important thing to you - when you and your husband decided not to use a sperm donor, was it him pushing for no or you (to protect his feelings)? You questioned whether it was the right decision and it might be worth sharing this with your husband ...he might be feeling the same way and questioning if it's the right choice, It's such a hard decision but if it's what you want it's worth exploring more the reasons you don't want to go ahead with the option available - can you imagine living your life child free? Many people can and do and live completely happy lives, did you both make alternative plans for life when you agreed om this? For example if I cant have children (currently doing IVF) I know I will likely sell my house and travel for a few years with my partner (and dog!), thats as far as my plans go as im hoping IVF will be successful but communication with your partner is key, hope you are having a better day today, it's ok to feel lost sometimes 💗 xx

[Anon_wiltshire]

so sorry to hear you are going through this. My husband and I went through this 6 years ago, like your husband he has no sperm. Like you I found it hard to navigate how I was feeling alongside trying to make sure my husband was ok. We also decided not to try donor or adoption.

all I would say is make sure you speak about it and how you are feeling either with friends / family or counselling, it wasn’t until a couple of years ago I did this as for me it was the best thing I did. The most important thing I took away was it fine to feel how you are feeling, there is no right or wrong.

Also remember you have each other which is the most important thing and don’t let outside influences dictate how you must be feeling, it’s your journey together.

If you ever want to talk please contact me, I found it hard to find others going through the same infertility situation as me as it’s often the women’s side which is spoken about and not the men’s.