Three failed ivf's ... time to stop!

Hi, I am new to the site. Just joined today and we have had 3 ivf failures self funded! And tried other things as well. Last ivf we found out on valentines day had failed. And more than 3 years later of trying naturally and everything else, and due to my age getting on, we have been given 10% chance of success with more ivf but it is too expensive for that and too traumatic to keep going through. I barely get any eggs every time. The second time I got 4 eggs surprisingly but then none fertilised so we had to have icsi this last round. My head says it's time to stop but my heart is still catching up. I am struggling to find meaning in life. I've been through tough times before. I just feel so sad and it is tough finding people who truly understand. Most friends have kids and do not really understand. We are also struggling with the idea of adoption. Even though family all say they will support us and mean well by it, they just don't un derstand truly how we are feeling. Still I am grateful they support us where they can. It's nice to read others feeling the same and to feel like it's normal to be struggling. I usually love spring and the spring flowers blooming. This year I am just sad and just can't seem to care. I had too many dreams and images of family times I the garden. My husband is keeping the house and garden together at moment. I just wish I could move on. Guess it just takes time. And I just am struggling to understand why it has to be us, and how we are going to find meaning in our lives. Out whole lives stopped last year. We couldn't make any decisions as we wanted all our decisions to revolve around positive pregnancy. Now we are just trying to get back into some sports and hobbies. Sometimes it is really tough to go out and see friends. It can be so lonely sometimes. But I am certain life can be great without kids, it is tough to see it right now though .. my head says that but my heart is struggling.

8 Replies

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  • Hi Jane, just wanted to say hello and I understand how you are feeling. It's such a hard process that robs you of your life and its hard to think about anything else. Have you considered egg donation? x

  • We have but decide not to do it as odds still not too good. But we are happy with that decision. X

  • Hi Jane. We also had 3 BFNS from self funded ICSI. We tried donor eggs for round 3 but still no luck. I produced 12 mature eggs on round 1 but only 2 on round 2. I just couldn't face any more tests or failures with no explanation from our consultants, plus the expense of course. We got our 3rd BFN on new year's eve 2015/6. Treatment can take over your life and once it stops it can be hard to adapt. Adoption isn't for us either. Initially it felt like a relief to stop but then I entered a long period of sadness. I was able to access some counselling about 6 months later and it helped me understand I was grieving, to understand the grief cycle and that my feelings were "normal". I too felt few people understood. The counsellor explained that with most losses there is some kind of closure ceremony, like a funeral, but with infertility the loss is here but it does not get the recognition of other losses. Failure of treatment signifies the end of the dream of family life. It's a massive thing to get your head round.

    Over a year on things have improved, of course I have bad times but I feel much more positive. Try not to put pressure on yourself to "feel better", you're grieving. Give yourself time to heal emotionally and be kind to yourself. It's good that you've got a supportive hubby who is helping with the house & garden.

    Take lots of care.

  • Thank you so much for your reply. It is helpful to hear from other people xx

  • Hi Jane...

    Really understand everything you are going through. The emotional turmoil of fertility treatments, the hope and constant failure....The comparisons to friends and families who so easily get pregnant. It's the hardest journey to go through. And it can seem so isolating.

    But you are not alone. X

    I am at the beginning of the plan B journey. For me that means grieving the children I will never have, and the one I lost. Healing over the procedures I have had. Receiving counselling to help me through the emotional baggage I have been carrying these 7 yrs of trying. Having time out from work as I can not handle the extra stress of that. Understanding how to be kind to myself again. To no longer blame myself .... Infertility is out of our hands. And to start enjoying myself once more.

    This takes so much time....And I am only a month into this....But it's getting easier than it was. I have been reading Jody days book, as well as several other ones. I have had my first meet up with gateway women, bought my first dress with the freedom of not worrying if it will still fit 'once I get pregnant'. Enjoying spending time with single friends and starting new hobbies like rabble and sewing.

    Keep on going...Keep talking to each other, keep doing nice things and enjoy the happier days in between the sad ones. The length between them becomes longer and easier with time.

    God bless xxxx

  • Thank you for your reply. And well done for the actions you have taken so far. It sounds like a nice start. And you are right about enjoying good days in between the bad. Talking g does help. I will look into the books. Best xx

  • Hi Jane I went through exactly the same when I stopped ivf 6 mths ago and when I stopped it all got on top of me I was sad and gave up and didn't realise I was heading for a breakdown over it which happened in January because I suppressed my feelings and tried to carry on and put a brace face on knowing no one can understand what I'm going through. All I can say is I can highly highly recommend going to ivf counselling I've been 4 times and I have moved on massively and I'm happier then I've ever been. I thought it would b a load of rubbish but trust me it does help you come to terms and reassess your life. Xx

  • Hi jane, sorry to read your story. My husband and I are in a similar position to you both! It really is the worst experience that we've had in life, I can only describe it similar to the feeling I have had when a loved one has died! It's difficult to imagine how life is going to be from now on without the possibility of ever having our baby! Friends try to understand but it really is impossible unless they have gone through it themselves.

    Sending healing hugs to you.

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