Feeling desperate, I'm new

Hi . We have been TTC for 18 months and about to start ivf. I am really struggling. Actually have the mental health crisis team coming to my house tomorrow as so depressed I can't cope. Feel like a failure as a woman and increasingly desperate. Frightened of falling apart completely if ivf doesn't work as only can afford 2 rounds. I think my partner will leave me if I carry on like this. He gets angry when I try to explain how desparate I feel, just doesn't understand at all. Any advice on how I can pull myself together enought to get through ivf? Xxx

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  • Hi Anna. I know exactly how you feel. I didn't want to just read & run from your post. I want you to know you are not alone in this.

    I too feel totally desperate & depressed. My husband will probably leave me soon and I'm totally consumed with negative thoughts 💭 like his whole family hate me as I'm inferior.

    I am probably better at giving advice than following it but here are some things that may help .

    1. Get antidepressants & sleeping pills. You need a rest from your mind. Even herbal supplements

    2. Go do something for you counselling, acupuncture, reiki . Choose something and go do it asap.

    3. Come to a support group. There is one in Vauxhall that is great 👍 look on the inuk website and go asap.

    4. Remember it's not the end but the beginning of your journey . You have options left. Many.

    5. Go for a walk , zoo or connect with nature.

    6. Ring a friend (preferably) childless and pour your heart out. Write a letter to people about how you feel.

    7. Count your blessings .

    8. Maybe when you feel better get a pet, volunteer . Helping or caring for others helps.

    You will be mum one day . And when you are it's the right baby at the right time. Xxx

    I hope this helps . I'm thinking of you x

  • Also you know it may take time but you can save , borrow or loan and get the money to try again abroad as it's a lot cheaper and often better in my opinion. Trust me you will get there. X

  • I feel so deeply depressed too. I also worry my husband will leave me for this reason. Im hoping some replies will help me x

  • Hi Anna. So sorry to hear this. You are certainly not alone. People on here will understand what an emotional journey this is. Please don't assume your partner will leave you. You probably just need a bit of space from one another, as this is hugely stressful for both of you. May I suggest you try and catch up with one of your girlie friends. I reached out to one of my close friends when my partner and I were TTC. She has children but was still really compassionate and supportive. I'm glad I told her.

    Grounding activities like going for a walk can be really helpful. It may be hard to find the motivation.

    I know how consuming this is and how hard it is to try and relax about it. In fact it is near impossible when you want something so desperately.

    I phoned the fertility network support line when I was desperate. They were really helpful.

    If you are starting to get clinically depressed then some medication may help. The mental health team should be able to advise.

    The other thing you could try is some counselling.

    Really thinking of you x

  • Hi Anna. I hope that the crisis team were able to help you. I've got a history of depression which started before we knew we needed treatment. I went back onto antidepressants after our first round of ICSI and a friend's pregnancy announcement. Fertility treatment is emotionally draining, as well as expensive, so you need to be feeling strong enough to get through it. Waiting was harder for me and I felt better once treatment started.

    My hubby was supportive during the times when I was unwell with depression. I know he was really worried about me and sometimes he could seem angry but I think this was because he couldn't fix things. Your partner may be worried about you and doesn't know what to do to help you, he may also be feeling he's failed in the baby making department too. If it is too hard to talk to him about being depressed perhaps write a letter or consider counselling together.

  • How did the meeting go with th crisis team? You inspired me to seek help. I've called the mental health team in my area and they have sent a form for me to fill in. I have looked into medication and was told it is very risky to take medication whist ttc. I hope you're feeling better x

  • Hi katybetter

    You are right to be cautious about all medication and pregnancy but not all prescribed medication is harmful and some over the counter and herbal remedies can be harmful.

    I urge anyone struggling with their emotions (nearly everyone on this site!) to seek professional help, get medication if necessary, as talking alone is not always enough. There is a good website for self-help for mental health run by the Scottish NHS

    It's Moodjuice and has loads of strategies and techniques for dealing with all sorts of mental health issues. I recommend it to a lot of my patients. I'm a childless mental health nurse who has also had treatment for depression (partly due to being childless)

    Hope this has been a bit of help x

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