Can’t accept it’s over

[Kismet01]

I’m new here and write because I feel no one really understands the grief I feel. My partner and I got married in our early 30’s and a few years later we got pregnant quickly after trying. I recall we made videos in the waiting room before the first scan having no idea our dreams were about to crumble. I had a silent miscarriage at 10weeks. We couldn’t fall pregnant again so our IVF journey began. Unknown to me at the time my lining was damaged in the evac. So for the first few rounds that was seen as the issue and reason for failure . At 42 I got pregnant twice naturally but lost both pregnancies at 10 and 9 weeks. We were told we are the 25% were there is nothing wrong and no explanation. During COVID, I was told I had fibroids so a few years were wasted trying to get private treatment and healing post op. Eventually the world came to normality but our worlds collapsed as my husband lost his mum to COVID and then within a year his father had bladder cancer. The shock of the loss of his mum was devastating and I look back guilty that even in that year I made him go along with an IVF cycle. We had news his dad was recovering and went to Athens for another round of ivf. With gods will we were pregnant and I was so happy but whilst out there his dad’s health deteriorated. I lost my twins at 10weeks more or less at the same time as his dad’s health deteriorated and he passed away at home with us. I put it down to stress at the time and gave myself a year to recover. Now it was just hubby and me and I felt lighter. We had two rounds left and felt hopeful. I can’t tell you how much I have prayed over the years and visited temples and pilgrimages and begged for a child. My relationships with god is in crisis. After 8 IVFs and one miscarriage and three natural pregnancies ending in miscarriage, at 49 we have no more embryos left! 10years of trying my hopes and dreams have crushed. I don’t know how to cope. I tried to get back into routine but I keep having meltdowns. I can’t bear the thought of going back to work yet everyone seems to think you should get back to it. My dear loving husband is functioning for us. I want to be strong for him, but I feel so much grief that I feel no one understands. At times I feel angry and bitter. I know one day I will grow strong and we will travel and fulfill our lives in other ways but it’s this in between bit of picking myself up that I can’t seem to do. I love Christmas…I dreamed about a house of us and our children. It’s all gone. We explored adoption and feel it’s not for us due to the bureaucracy. At 49 I’m not sure after all this we have the energy for surrogacy. A life without children feels unbearable even though I have lovely nephew and nieces. I’m not sure if I start surrogacy and then when it finally happens I might not want children at 50odd. Having lost his parents in their 70s. We feel now it’s an option between 20yrs of kids or 20yrs of time for our tired souls to recover and live a little but we don’t know what that may look like. I struggle around purpose…I don’t want to put all my energy into work as a distraction…I’m struggling. Please help me get through this phase and perhaps share how it feels in the other side..thank you for taking the time to read🙏🏽

[Koala365]

I feel your pain but am able to report from 2 and bit years down the line that things do get easier and although I will always be sad about the fact I couldn't have children and I do still get triggered from time to time, I am very much enjoying my childless life. I also had a missed miscarriage and have also only recently found out that the subsequent operation caused me some issues conceiving. I also had 7 IVF losses. People don't understand the cycle of hope and loss and utter hell that IVF is sadly unless they have been through it. I can recommend finding a childless therapist who specialises in grief counselling because what you are going through right now is a grief process. If you look up World Childless Week and Gateway Women there are usually some Childless Not by Choice therapists listed there. There are also a couple Childless Not By Choice Facebook Groups. I would start with the Childless Not by Choice Embracing Life Group as the support one may be too upsetting for you right now. Getting a pet helped me heal as well - all that love I had to give to a child, I give to my furbaby now and he loves me back (especially when I feed him treats haha) I would also ensure you take time for you and make a list of things you really want to do in life - start small and start ticking them off. Personally I like to enjoy a cocktail from time to time and wear nail varnish - both things I gave up for IVF but no longer have to. I would also not go back to work until you are ready- I headed back way too soon and regret that. Look after yourself. Eventually things will improve xx

[Kismet01 in reply to Koala365]

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience, insights and recommendations. It means so much to hear from someone who has gone through what I have. My brother recently got a dog for his family and I love her to bits and thanks for the work thing I have been procrastinating about it. I’ll look into the sites you have mentioned. Thank you

[Koala365 in reply to Kismet01]

You're welcome! I would also say that I found that my grief and the issues I was experiencing with that masked or meant that I wasn't able to identify perimenopause issues I was suffering from until a lot later because there is a lot of crossover (low mood, anxiety, muddled brain, forgetfulness etc) and mentally, in the circumstances, I wasn't ready to accept I might be heading towards menopause because of the finality of that but once I accepted last year that the symptoms I had were getting worse and couldn't still be grief and saw a gynaecologist and started on HRT, oh my goodness the cloud lifted and I felt 1000% better (albeit with a few symptoms still) Just telling you this as something to bear in mind for the future and especially as I stuck my head in the sand for so long when I could have felt better sooner! All the best xx

[Christianbaby]

I just want to start by saying that my heart truly goes out to you. You have been through so much, and I can feel the depth of your pain in every word you’ve shared.

The weight of this kind of loss is something so few people understand. It’s not just about the babies you lost, but the life you dreamed of, the future you imagined, and the love you were so ready to give. It is devastating beyond words, and it makes perfect sense that you are feeling stuck in this in-between place. Grief is not something you just “get over.” It changes you, and right now, you are in the thick of it.

I can hear how much you love your husband and how deeply you want to be strong for him. But please, be gentle with yourself too. You don’t have to rush to be okay. It’s okay if you’re not ready to go back to work. It’s okay if some days feel unbearable. You are not failing. You are grieving, and that takes time.

There are people who understand, who will walk with you through this pain, and who will remind you that your life still holds meaning, even if it looks different than you had hoped. I’m sending you strength and light. xxx