The hardest decision..

[nathglew]

So I've posted on here a couple of times about not having my own children if I stay where I am and to be honest I'm not sure why I'm posting this to be honest. Nothing has changed with main fact that my wife cannot has a child without serious health risks as she's older than me (45 to 40 for me) and that she has expressed no desire to adopt or use a surrogate as she has brought up 2 kids who are 16 & 21. The thing I'm struggling with is that I love this woman more than anything else but I just cannot get over the fact that I would and have always wanted my own child. We've recently had a temporary separation as I've been angry towards my wife (completely unwarranted) about what has been lost I suppose and were going for couples councilling but I just can't shake the feeling that I'll never get over this..dont get me wrong, I am luckier than some as I do have a lot of little people around me, nephews, nieces and friends kids but just can't seem to shake this feeling..any advice would be warmly welcome

[pm27]

It's good you are going to go to counselling with your wife. Have you considered counselling for yourself (on your own) regarding childlessness? I had some about 6 months after we made the decision to cease (unsuccessful) treatment. It helped me to understand that I was grieving. Anger can be part of the grief cycle. The counsellor explained that with most other losses there is a socially accepted ceremony, such as a funeral. However, with childlessness there isn't. For me the feelings of loss are still there, and probably always will be, but they are less raw and I don't think about it as often. Adoption isn't for us, it isn't for everyone, and as your wife can't have any more children due to her health issues she may be further along the journey than you. Hopefully the joint counselling will help the 2 of you talk about it in a supportive environment.

This forum is here whenever we need it for, thank goodness.

[nathglew in reply to pm27]

I totally agree, without this forum I would be completely lost. So I have tried counselling for about 3/4 months but it doesn't seem to be helping apart from taking the edge off of things a bit but like you say, that feeling will always be there and that's completely unfair to my wife. It kind of works against me also that I have been tested for fatility and everything is fine, probably would have helped if there were something wrong?! I appreciate that I am luckier than some, in the fact that I have 2 step kids and quite a few little people around me but it really isn't the same, I wish to God it was..just feeling very lost, appreciate your reply.x

[Ellen6]

Hi nathglew. It's nice you have other people's children in your life, however, heart wrenching at the same time, particularly as you always longed for your own. Don't feel bad, you are allowed to grieve, it's still a 'loss'. I think anger is part of the process.

If your counselling has not helped all that much, would you consider trying a different counsellor?

🌷

[nathglew in reply to Ellen6]

Have only just changed from seeing someone on my own to a different councillor with my wife in the last couple of weeks, as we've only seen them once, it's hard to know if this will help as yet. For me, the worse bit is the constant triggers, adverts on the television for children's products, seeing friends with their children etc and also the fact that I am the only person I know that doesn't have their own..because of that, no one knows how I feel at all, I always get 'it's easy for me to say as I have kids...'

[Ellen6 in reply to nathglew]

I can relate. I went though this too, with adverts, etc. it's just a painful reminder. It will ease in time. I'm not sure that people who have children will ever really get it. I'm sure they try to, but it must be hard for them to relate.

I'm assuming you are male? I actually put a link to an article on here a few months ago about men who go though this. I do feel for you men as I feel you are often the forgotten ones.

Take care and keep posting x

[Ellen6 in reply to Ellen6]

Ps

Here is what I've copied and pasted from a previous post. Hopefully you can find the article if you wish:

I just read a really touching article in The Guardian ( sat 13 august 2016). It was in the family supplement of the newspaper. Was written by a lovely chap called Declan Fitzsimons. I think it is really good that he has written about this. We should acknowledge that men go though similar grief too about being involuntarily childless. Sending my best wishes and love to all of us out there - male or female x