Very new to this and not sure about posting b... - More To Life

More To Life
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Very new to this and not sure about posting but here goes


I'm a 33 yo male . Are there any male forum members who can give me some advice, what's the best advice for helping me be strong for my wife at a point where I feel as helpless as she does.

We are coming to the end of our treatment options and nothing has worked . We both want a family together but I have a daughter from a previous relationship,

it's hard for my wife because she doesn't have what I have as a natural child to call her own so no matter how bad I feel she's ten times worse, I just want her to be ok . How can I help her when she is effectively experiencing this on her own , I'm gutted we may never have children together but she's right when she says it's different for me. It kills me because I want us to have a family together more than anything . How do I help her . How can I be strong when inside my heart breaks for her.

Any advice welcome. And thanks .

7 Replies

Oh confusedguy, I feel for you both. Sorry, I'm not a guy, but here are my two cents' worth anyway ;-)

First, I want to say how brave and loving of you to post on here - your wife is lucky to have someone who wants to help so much.

I was in a similar situation (except my husband didn't want any more children) but I'm not sure that comparing situations is very useful, because we all have different reasons for feeling like we do, even if it may look like the same thing on the surface. Anyway, I remember grief and anger and resentment, and fear of the future. It wasn't very nice.

People gave me all sorts of advice, none of which helped, though all was well-meaning, and I still felt like I was in a tumble drier. I loved (love) my husband and couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and yet there was this THING.

It wasn't until I started to understand the role of my thinking / thought in all of this, that things became easier for me, and freed me from my tumble drier of pain. The circumstances weren't going to change, so I had to find peace about them, which I did. We all have the innate capacity to find peace, regardless of our circumstances. Unfortunately you can't force that, it's a change that happens from the inside, out. All you can do is be there for her. Maybe some counselling or resilience coaching for you both would help - I'd recommend working with someone who looks at thought as the creator of feelings.

It's lovely that you want to be strong for her, but remember it's ok for you to grieve too, and you shouldn't feel like you have less right to it than anyone else. What we feel is what we feel.

Take care


Thank you for your kind response

It's so hard so both partners, I don't think it matters whether you are male or female. What might be different is how people deal with the grief and loss of childlessness. For me counselling was helpful and I started this about 6 months after we ceased treatment, but this was not something by my hubby wanted for himself. Understanding the grief cycle helped me understand my feelings were 'normal' and I did talk hubby through it. We did have a couple of joint counselling sessions with our clinic after we decided to cease treatment. We have discussed it together and have made plans or discussed ideas for our future. There is no magic answer to this, time has helped - we're a year on from our final BFN.

Your wife might have some ideas about how she wants to be supported or she might not. She might think that you being "strong" means you aren't devastated that you aren't able to have a child together. It's not a competition about who is most upset. My advice would be keep communicating and supporting each other as well as allowing trusted others to support you in the short and long term. If it's difficult to start a conversation perhaps share your post with her?

Confusedguy in reply to pm27

Thanks for replying she knew I'd posted , I totally agree it's not a competition about who's the most upset , at present though she's very aware that my outlook might be different due to my circumstances, this isn't unreasonable however true or not that is but in my mind it makes it difficult for me to fully understand how she feels, so my post is about getting as much understanding as I can to fully support her as much as I can

I suppose I'm just worried that no matter how much we communicate I can't solve this and neither can she and I just want to be able to understand her grief and feeling of loss as much as I can .


pm27 in reply to Confusedguy

Sadly when treatment fails there us nothing anyone can do to "fix" the problem. I gave to remind my hubby that sometimes I just want to say what I'm thinking out loud, I don't want or need it fixed or it can't be fixed. For me it has been a process of learning to live with a new reality, alongside mourning the actual losses due to miscarriages, as well as the losses of what might have been. It is a loss for both of us individually but also as a couple for the family we both wanted.

Ceasing treatment initially was a relief but I then went through a long period of sadness. I never doubted that hubby was also grieving but had to accept that he needed to do this differently to me.

I wish there was a magic answer or a fast forward for the grief process but it might be you just have to take it day by day, week by week.

Hi there,

I am in a similar situation. I already have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Me and my current partner of 8 years have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. we are now in the verge of separation as his tests came back fine and mine were inconclusive and was basically told that IVF wouldn't work. I feel worthless that I can't have our own baby. He find he is experiencing feels of inadequacy and so I feel so so selfish If I stop him from leaving knowing that he will never truly be happy without his own child. but it kills me inside to think that he will be having a baby our hopes and dreams with someone else. I can understand your situation totally. It is soul destroying

I found out a couple of years into marriage that my wife could not have children.

After 3 attempts at IVF we called an end to it as it was a big strain on us both. Every week my wife said i could leave her and she would understand. But i stayed and we are still together after 33 years of marriage.

All i can say is support one another and be there for her when she needs you and she will for a long time.

Have you thought about adoption as an alternative for having a child she can look on as her own.

We couldnt adopt as the region where i lived at the time i was deemed to old at 33 and the fact i was in the forces as well.

I hope things pan out for you in the future.

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