Well, I haven't written on here for a while. I've been in a terribly dark and lonely place for months & months after splitting with my partner of 8 years nearly a year ago. This was not the sole reason for my mental decline (as mentioned in previous blogs) but seemed to be the catalyst for tipping me over the edge.
Suicidal, I saw my GP toward the end of last year & begged for therapy. After a wait I finally saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with dysmythia and recommended psychotherapy. I had my first session this month. The lady was very nice but there was a lot of awkward silences. I would finish speaking and then look at her and then she would look at me & wouldn't say anything until I thought of something else to say. I felt this a bit disconcerting but perhaps she was just trying to open me up.
I felt really drained after that hour as I had pretty much bared my soul to a complete stranger. I can see that the therapy is going to be beneficial. As I was going through my difficulties with her I suddenly realised that in all of my relationships I had been wearing a 'mask' as I didn't want my partners to see the 'real' (depressed/miserable/negative/low self-esteem/social anxiety) me as I was sure they would leave. I would initially put on a front (the mask). But this is exhausting and as time passed and the mask gradually slipped off, I would slowly push them away as I was sure they would hate the real me. I hate the real me after all so why shouldn't they? I would inevitably push the self-destruct button. This has happened in all of my relationships as well as many jobs that I have had. End of relationship. End of job. Downward spiral.
So, I am hopeful that the psychotherapy is going to help. I'm not sure how many sessions I'm going to be given but I have my next session next week.
Still feeling very low I spoke to my GP about another anti-depressant. I really didn't want to go down this road again as all the medication I've taken has either had no effect or just made me feel sick. My anxiety has always remained and I've always had trouble sleeping.
I've just been prescribed MIRTAZAPINE (anti-depressant) which I have to take before going to bed. The GP said it would also help me to sleep. I've only been taking them for 2 days but what a difference. No sure if it is just the placebo effect but I feel like a different person. The term 'happy pills' definitely applies here and they knock me out until the morning! I feel less anxious and so much more positive and happy! I honestly feel like a different person. Everything looks clearer and brighter. But surely they can't be so quick to take effect.
It's not a case of more sleep which is making me feel better as I was taking something else (Phenergan) to help me sleep which did the trick. Some of the antidepressants which I've taken in the past made me feel better in the beginning but after some months this effect wore off and I would go back to feeling like my miserable self. I'm hoping this is not the case this time.
Has anyone else taken MIRTAZAPINE and how did you get on with it?