i do not know what to do next

[petelockwood]

i have been diagnosed with severe depression about 2 years ago (i was discharged from the military in my training because of this) battled with it for months finally managed to get another job, whilst i have been at this current job (about 13 months) i have been on many difference medications, sertraline, citalopram duloxetine and now on mirtazapine, mirtazapine for about 2 months, i was switched to this medication and days after overdosed on a concoction of tablets mirtazapine citalopram and various other things, i was taken to a and e and kept in i was in a really bad way.

i have been ok ish had several bad days, still have thoughts of hurting myself self worthlessness being a failure etc etc and i thought i was doing better as i was not acting on this, today at work i repeatedly hit my head of a brick wall (already scarred because i have done it before) and they panicked and literaly kicked me out the building, and for months in some form or another there has been bits of bullying (by management too) more than likely because of ignorance / failing to understand the situation and all this is making me worse now. i have gained lots of weight recently i mean a LOT my sleeping is totally horendous unhealthy thoughts too often etc

my question is what do i do now ? i have been seeing the gp for 2 years spoken to people at the hospitals intervention service bit, but i have 2 children, my other half is a great mum but i fear i am failing as a dad and i feel if i get refered to psychiatrists and such they will take the kids off me, which again makes me really bad, at the mnute my only real thing i find remotely theraputic is takking a realy long ride on my motorbike to clear my head, feel free but it is becoming increasingly difficult to do that now who and what do i need to see to help fix this ? i really really think it is not as straight forward as depression and there is something genuinely wrong with me i feel i have not been diagnosed properly and that is hindering me further, i live in oldham and i would be so grateful of any help / words

thankyou so much sorry it is long and probably not making much sense but not feeling too great at the mo, thankyou

[Angelfishsolo]

Most importantly, a psychiatric referral WILL NOT result in your children being taken away.

They way you feel is not uncommon. I nodded to myself whilst reading as I have done much the same.

So, points to note.

Give the new meds a chance, they will not work overnight.

See a professional.

Try and get out for a walk when you can.

Don't give up.

[Hidden]

Hi I agree with Angelfish above.

Seeing a Physciatrist will NOT MEAN HAVING YOUR KIDS TAKEN off you. You in no way pose a threat to them & they have a great Mum.

I've sufferred depression 19 yrs now & I too have been on a concoction of different meds in trying to find the right one. Mirtazipine is a good one & I wish I was still on it. I think you will find all medications make you put on weight & you have to be in the right mind set to exercise & be in control of what you eat.

It does take time for the meds to work. In my opinion 8 - 12 wks. They will not make you the person you once were but they help you cope with life on a day to day basis.

Speak to your GP again & explain exactly how you feel. They might refer you to a Physciatrist who is the onlt one able to give you a stronger medication. A GP can only prescribe you so much.

Get rid of all the old medications, take them back to your chemist & try with whatever it is you are on, allow it time to work.

I have been to 3 different Physciatrists myself over the years & have felt like you do many times but you have to try help yourself too.

Good luck.

Hugs

Jackie

[Hidden]

Hi Pete,

I am in the same boat as you and have been for the last 24 years. I have never been properly diagnosed and think there is more to it than just depression and anxiety. I feel an outsider in this world and have never been able to settle whether it be a job or a relationship. I thought perhaps bi-polar but the GP says not. I have terrible mood swings and am always angry, irritable & very intolerant of everything in general. I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy about anything.

It came to a head recently and I was having very dark thoughts about ending it all so I insisted that the GP refer me to a psychiatrist. They tried the counselling route but I put my foot down and said no, I need a proper diagnosis for once in all. I have an appointment in 3 weeks.

Your kids will not be taken away from you. You need to do what is best for yourself. Don't wait any longer. Make that appointment with your GP and get the professional help that you need.

Your family will thank-you in the long run.

I wish you all the best.

xxx

[Hidden]

Hi

I've just read all these blogs and just want to add one thing. I have had some similar experiences to each of you and am also a qualified psychotherapist but despite that still have some difficulties. However I can come at understanding from the perspective of being a user of mental health services and as a practitioner and one important thing is to think about the role of diagnosis and its significance. I know that when I felt at my worst the thing I always asked is "What's wrong with me?". Even when I didn't ask it of professionals I was always asking myself, thinking "there must be something wrong with me". Well obviously there was something wrong - I felt awful and had all the symptoms etc. However I've gradually discovered that to get better, or at least to become very much better than before, it was not necessary for me to be given a diagnosis. A diagnosis is a label and is helpful to medics in order for them to be able to think in general terms about what might be helpful. Lots of people do go the medical route and do find a diagnosis helpful because it is reassuring to think that someone knows what's wrong. But diagnosis in itself is not necessary in order to feel better. I think it's important to understand that.

For me, as a patient and as a therapist, what IS important is to understand what is going on. Sometimes it is obvious that the symptoms have followed a significant life event, such as a death or abuse. Then obviously in order to understand symptoms it is important to begin with thinking about what has happened. But often symptoms seem unrealted to events. My own experience is that psychological symptoms such as anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, almost all symptoms are ALWAYS linked to events - it's just not always obvious what the events are. For example, I spend much of my life very deeply depressed but the initial trigger for the depression was way back in childhood when I felt put down, bullied, abandoned and then abused. No diagnosis would have helped explain that. I have had physical symptoms of anxiety and depression, IBS, fibromyalgia and arthritis but the initial trigger was a traumatic fall in our garden. What I am trying to say is that it can be beneficial to try to understand where symtoms originate from, because in understanding that we can get at the initial feelings that cause the later problems. I'm not suggesting lengthy counselling or therapy is always the best option for treatment - medication can be really helpful, as can CBT and most other forms of therapy - however an understanding of the things that have led up the symptoms can be invaluable as then it is possible to recommend a course of treatment that can actually alter the symptoms for good.

Sometimes things that lead up to very much later symptoms can be subtle, such as low self-esteem, bullying at school, under-achievement, parental separation, house moved ... the list is endless but the result can be much later depression, self-harm, and even suicide.

Just a thought, as it's important not to simply think in terms of something WRONG. Symptoms can be an important way that the body says some feelings from the past need attention. Masking them for good with medication can simply mean they return as soon as a person tries to come off meds.

Suexx

[Hidden]

Hi again

One other thing - literally hitting your head against a brick wall is a sign of some kind of frustration at not being able to find any other kind of help. I used to do that repeatedly as a younger woman - as a result of coming to understand my past I realised how I was trying to comfort the pain I felt in my head (pain from not being able to understand) by having an explanation for the pain - I could then say to myself - my head hurts because I am banging it, whereas in fact my head was hurting because I was endlessly trying to understand why I was so angry, depressed, etc.

Suex

[Hecter]

Your children will not be taken off you - you have to believe that.My simple advice is to get help from a psychiatrist - you need the best help and you deserve the best help

[r1985h]

i found this very intresting as i never thought i self harmed so when doc have asked me i always said no but i do hit my head a lot, not against walls but with my hands and fists, i also scratch and pinch myself, clench my teeth together until it hurts. it sounds stupid but is this self harming? because i always thought it was just cutting yourself?

to answer your question (what do i do now?) i think you need to speak to your partner about how you are feeling and that you are worried about the children being taken away etc im sure she will understand your worries but she may be able to help you see that this is not going to happen, once you realise this you may be able to speak to your doc and ask then to refer you to get some further advice from a psychiatrist or something and they maybe you can get some kind of therapy (CBT etc) i think this may help you to overcome some of your worries.

i hope you feel better soon and that you get the help and support you need

r1985h

[petelockwood]

thankyou for all the replies, i am currently waiting for a refferal to CBT i have been forced to agree to time off work, my employer wants the gp / a professional to write down effect of my current medication (mirtazapine) and how depression affects me and what my limits are so they can bring in somebody from the ouside of the company to educate the rest of the staff so i am quite happy with that, i am too bring forward my next appointment OR go to parklands house (oldham hospital) and ask to see one of the psychs as i think i definitely need it anger outbursts have been getting progressively worse and i always harm myself even tho my urge is to harm others (sounds weird, but at least i can control it to some extent) so i honestly think there is more to this than depression, as to one of the posts above about everything being tied to an event, i tried recently to pin each trait to a past event, some things i suppose i can point as a source but others i can not (my mother has been on anti depressents for many many years, almost as long as i have lived, maybe i caused it?) so i am to see what is what on monday and i will keep this updated and thankyou ALL very much for the replies !!!!!!

[r1985h]

I am so glad that you have been given some help, and i think it is fantastic that your employer is taking all of this onboard i think its a really go idea to educate people about this sort of thing because many people see us as "mad" and this is not the case. please keep us updated as to how you get on with your CBT therapy

[Hidden]

Hi,

I've just read your most recent comment and was sad to hear you write that maybe you caused your mother's depression! What makes you think that? I think it is quite likely that if your mother was always depressed (almost as long as you have lived) that you feel to blame and therefore think you are in some way bad. That would cause you to feel enormous anger because of course you are not bad just because your mother was depressed. I wonder did she give you the impression you were to blame for her depression, or maybe you just felt to blame. My mother told me that having me nearly killed her and I've spent my whole life feeling I should not have been born. Even a simple comment can have massive effects upon self-esteem and identity. I imagine if your mum was depressed throughout your childhood then she will not have enabled you to feel loveable, she will probably have been a bit distant and that feels awful to a child and again the effects on self-esteem and identity are huge. I don't know whether that makes sense to you?

Suexx