Christmas day

[Cleaner]

I am so fed up feeling really depressed. today is the day I find hard to cope with, like someone said you have to put a mask on and pretend to be happy. Well this year I'm not doing that I shall let the family no how I'm feeling and that is not wanting to be hear any more Becauce I am tired and ready to give up. Not looking forward to another year of the same thing

[Hidden]

Great! I'm really glad y ou are feeling able to be yourself. Try not to blame them and to be reasonable at the same time and you never know, things might even improve a bit.

Suex

[Hidden]

Well I just decided to be me as I feel. I was meant to stay for a couple of days but I am now back home in my own safety zone away from people & on my own.

I am so glad that Christmas is over & all the fuss that goes with it.

I enjoyed havin the company of my son even though we slept for a while after our dinner. He has now left to go party with his girlfriend & I am happy about that cos he seems very happy with her & its what young ones do.

Mum has asked me if I'm coming up for dinner tomorrow & I said I'll let her know in the morning. I've already decided I'm not going but will have to ask her if she could pick up some milk & bread for me, unless I decide to go for a walk which I cant imagine I will.

Cleaner dont be thinking that you dont want to be here for the next year. Do you take medication? Are you married/divorced single? Maybe now you've let people know how you feel things will change around you. Its very hard I know. I once told my family & Dr I did'nt want to live anymore. My family realised how bad I felt & as precaution for the next few months I could only collect my meds from the chemist on a weekly basis which was a pain because I then felt that the staff in there knew my story regards meds.

I wa at my GP last week & am being referred back to Community Physciatric Nursinf & to see a Physciatrist about changing my meds. I am on a large dosage of a strong med & have been for 5 years. I think my body has become immune to it now.

Hoping you feel better after today.

Luv & Hugs

Jackie xx

[Cleaner]

I to am glad today is over with. I am in the care of the urgent care MHTeam and the physciatrist has increased one of my meds, because like you your body gets used to them

[hamble99b]

hi cleaner,

today s a difficult day as emotions rise to the surface and it seems as if everyone is happy. This is true for many, but believe me not everyone is.

there are people with their "happy faces" fixed in place - some so well stuck on, they even fool themselves!

the "I'm fine", I'm strong", and the "I'm used to it", the "you go on, I don't mind" and the "there's 100s worse off than me!" [no there aren't! no-one else's problems or pain can diminish yours]

I know where I was in that list - every blummin' (!) one!.

you got through it today and hopefully your new meds will kick in soon.

don't look at it as a year ahead of you, try to take one day, one hour, ten mins at a time.

keep in touch ,

sandra.

[Cleaner in reply to hamble99b]

Thankyou Sandra for careing. That's all I'm trying to do is take the hrs and days one at a time. I hope with everyone's help I can get though this it's just at the moment it's a constant battle.

[Hidden]

Cleaner & Sandra I am with you on all of the above. I do at times feel guilty for feing the way I am buy you know what Sandra you are right depression is a hard illness. Its just because its silent & unlike others people cannot see or understand the way we feel.

Heres to getting through Boxkng Day & I'm glad to be doing it on my own. My choice & my family understand.

Luv & Hugs

Jackie xx

[Hidden]

I am really sorry you feel so bad cleaner. Its so hard to explain to people isn't it? or to be a 'party pooper'. Its not your fault but because it is invisible others don't really understand it.

I told my doctor recently that I didn't want to live. She just said that was very different from wanting to die. I guess it is. But I have no support at all now apart from anti-depressants. The doctor asked me if I had a plan to kill myself and I said no. She was happy with that. But the last couple of times I overdosed it wasn't a 'plan' it was very sudden and I was so overwhelmed with sadness and pain I couldn't stand it anymore. The only option I have is to ring a number and speak over the phone to a counsellor I don't know (as long as its within certain hours). But when I feel like that I can't speak to anyone. So no help there.

Hope you have more help available than me cleaner. Take it if you can.

Wishing you the best.

Bev x

[Cleaner in reply to Hidden]

I certainly no ware you are comming from, when I first went to the Drs Becauce I felt so bad he said what do you want me to do, so I said give me an injection of something to kill me , that got everything moving with the mentlehealthcrises team very quick . Now they phone and I see them everyday, but the stupid thing is with all there help I still want to die. Take care Bev

[Hidden]

Ahhhh guess theres no easy answer is there Cleaner? Maybe its best not be taken so seriously like me then.....If thats the case maybe I'm not in such as bad a place as I think? But I do know how you feel but I don't have anything to offer you except there is always hope (I think). Really hope your depression lifts a bit - it usually does doesn't it? I know mine does in the end. Trouble is I still don't want to live even when it does. Not sure about the dying part then. Oh its all so miserable and confusing.

At least when mine lifts a bit I do feel myself, not an empty space, and I feel a vague sense of purpose and I busy busy myself with my life and little things which we all hang our hats on even though they are boring and mundane. I try not to think or feel too much anytime. Its a case of holding back the tide if you know what I mean. I'm always sure that one day the tide will overwhelm me but I have made it to 58 so maybe I will make it for longer. Ha.

Not much help sorry Cleaner. But sharing is good I think. At least you know you are not alone even though we might feel it. Its a horrible illness!

Put off the decision to die day by day and take each minute or hour as it comes. Just get through it somehow.

Am rambling now so will shut up. All the best to you love...you make sure you take care of yourself as well. If you do I will...Lots of hugs andf kissses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bev xx