Sad day, but how many more?

It was 2 years ago today when my mom passed, with me at her bedside. I didn't think I'd make it much past one year, but I was determined to do that, to honour her memory and see if things were really going to be as bad as I always thought they would be. Well they were. I can honestly say my worst day before she died was better than the best day I've had since then, and I really can't see things improving. I'm just too different to other people, and I fear that the isolation and repetitiveness of my life, coupled with a complete loss of purpose, is going to get the better of me this year. I wonder, can you live with misery for the whole of your life, or is it inevitable that one day you will wake up and decide that enough is enough? I hear about people who have good careers, family, friends, a past to be proud of and a future worth living for, ending it all - so heaven only knows how I'm going to hang on until time itself ends my suffering.

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  • Hi there RoboMark your post reminds me so much of me when I lost my beautiful mum!!! The first few years are the worst and in my case it does get harder I too didn't get how people just get on with it when I'm in total meltdown most of the time missing my mum and reliving her death all the time my psychiatrist answer to that is everyone is different which I do agree with everyone is different and everyone handles losses completely different me I'm like you half of me died when my mum did and it's been 10 years since my mum died I've never been 10 hours without her before but I don't know how I've got through it but I have and I get bad sad days then good days my only advice is give yourself time take baby steps slowly you will get there eventually I actually have accepted my mums gone now and there's nothing I can do to bring her back I wish there was but I can't I just live through each day the best I can at least we can say at the end of each day... we've survived?? It dosnt get any easier in my eyes you just except it and live for your mum our precious mums wouldn't want us to be so low and down they will want us to live our lives for them the best we can that's what we have to do for their memory...my mum taught me everything I know....except how to live without her.. I've had to learn that part myself...be kind to yourself and just take it easy it does get bearable with time I promise here if you need to talk

    Nat 😊

  • Thanks, that's helped. I'll try to remember that I'm not the only one who's gone through this. Sometimes, things just seem so bleak especially yesterday. You've survived for 10 years, I'd like to think I can do the same.

  • Hi @RoboMark it is very hard losing a parent. I have lost both mine with my mum only 4 years ago. It does get better. Where we differ though is that although I loved my mum I had my own life and friends and it sounds like you only had her. No wonder you are lonely.

    Now I looked back on a couple of your previous posts and saw that you have (with good reason) a hatred of mental health services but I still think your first port of call should be to see your doctor. If you don't want to take meds then fine but at least you can get a firm diagnosis and should be able to access counselling. If you do have Aspergers then you can get help to cope with it and perhaps you will be able to learn to socialise better?

    You have nothing to lose have you? Oh and remember you are not your dad! Times have moved on a lot since then too. x

  • I think / know you are right about the counselling, but my GP practice did not do too well for my mother in the last few months and I'm not sure how I'll react if I go to see any of the doctors there. I would have made a complaint about her treatment, especially at the end, but for the one GP who was genuinely kind to her.

    I don't know if I'm lonely, it's difficult for me to classify that emotion. I don't enjoy company as it causes me too much anxiety so I'm used to being apart from other people. I've got my cats, anyway, and talk to myself a lot (which I try to avoid doing when I'm in public as I don't want to look like a lunatic). But it's difficult to know where the grief ends and the rest of my messed up head begins. Just so much baggage accumulated over the years, so much guilt and regret. A heavy load, mum used that phrase in a novel she wrote some years ago, I never thought it would be so applicable to myself. I can't help but feel that things are starting to turn downward now. I always used to think I'd not live for one day after my mum passed but when the time came I just couldn't bring myself to do the deed, mostly because I was physically paralysed for about an hour after she went. I actually regret that I didn't end myself then, even though I know it would not have been the right thing to do. It seems I was right in one respect about not living on, as I don't really live now.

    I'll see how things go, I've got enough to keep me occupied for the next few weeks anyway. It helps to get these things off your chest sometimes. Thanks.

  • HI I read your moving account of your Mum's loss and your life since. three years ago I saw my Father die in the street/heart attack. My mother died shortly after at home from cancer I watched her when she was at her worse and saw her die also. It's horrible no words can describe it. I felt guilty afterwards/ maybe I didn't do enough, life seemed so empty without them both. But you know; I can't bring them back so the only way I get through is to think of the good days we shared and times when they were fit and healthy. You never forget, never really get over it but you do learn to cope better.

    I hope you find the inner strength to carry on for your Mum 's sake she wouldn't want you to feel so low. Best wishes

  • RoboMark I'm so glad you didn't end your life I know how hard it is for you I do honestly I still suffer I also talk to my dogs and I also talk to my mum or her picture I ask her for a sign to let me know she's still around you will be surprised what sign you seem to get I will get a feather or a robin in my garden or a whiff of her perfume anything small that I would know is a message from her but that's just my way of comforting myself everyone has different ways to cope..I think also we suffer because our mum's were dying and there was nothing we could do to stop it I felt useless there was nothing I could do I just had to watch it happen...just take each day as it comes it would of been hard for you recently because it was your mum's memorial so you dread it wondering how your going to get through it but surprisingly we do don't we....you will get there eventually in your own time it takes time it really does

    Take care Nat😀

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