A few years ago, I decided to shut myself away from everyone as I could not take pain that people gave to me. I could not cope with it all. I completely distanced myself from my friends and almost lost everyone. It was a very long time for me, what was a few months seemed like a year. I didn't think I could find a way out. I felt hollow, lonely, lost, empty, numb, helpless, desperate. To cut a long story short, I managed to find pleasure in life by gaining an interest which I could share with someone that I now consider to be my best friend.
But the feeling of depression comes back every so often, it use to be a couple of times every other month or so and it would last a few days and then dissappear. But recently, since September, I have been struggling a lot.
I lost a dear person to me at the end of September. It was their choice to walk out on me and leave. I had made them such a massive part of my life that I found it hard to cope and carry on. I felt lost and confused. I hated myself as I believed that the reason they had left was something to do with me. I blamed myself for it. I thought that I had done something that had caused them to change their opinion on me. I always believed that people who do things that are 'wrong' should be punished. I thought that I had done something wrong to force that person to leave, when really all I wanted was to secure the fact that they would stay. To punish myself, I would wack objects such as the back of hair brushes, cans, shoes etc. over my head repeatedly. I also occassionally slit my wrists. The wrist slitting was relief as well as punishment. It gave me a sense of relief. It was almost as if I was a cup full of water about to over-flow and I tipped some of the water out to make room.
But recently, I let someone else in my life thinking that they would make me happier to help me recover from losing this previous person. But instead, I became very reliant on them but I wasn't happy. I was constantly depressed but even more so when they were not talking to me. I completely lost my appetite, I didn't bother to ever eat lunch and if I did it was very minimal, I would only have one small breakfast bar for breakfast and never managed to finish my dinner. I also found it incredibly hard to sleep. I would go to sleep at a reasonable time of about 10 and then wake up in the early hours of the morning in an almost panic. I wouldn't manage to go back to bed but I wouldn't necessarily be tired during the day either.
This person that I became very dependant on has also decided that they do not belong in my life and has left. At first I was ok. But only a few hours later I was struggling to do things.
I feel mentally exhausted, I find it hard to take part in lectures at college. I also find it incredibly exhausting to communicate with people at college. I feel like every breathe I take is exhausting and really hard and heavy to do. I feel lonely and helpless, I feel like I do not have anyone to hold me up in life even though I have plenty of amazing friends. I feel like this is going to be a constant routine for my life. I feel tearful but cannot manage to cry. I do not feel tolerant of people such as my mother and are constantly wishing that she would not talk and that we could sit in silence. Even though my feelings have not progressed to thinking about killing myself, I have started self harming and every time I see an object that could possibly cause harm to me in my room, I think of harming myself. But sometimes I do think that life would be better if I was to be taken or for something to happen to me and sometimes wish I would disappear. I keep telling myself that things will get better, but seeing as this has happened for a few months and it is a continuous almost routine, I don't see how it can. I also have gained a serious lack of trust in people and do not believe any promises that have been made. I do not know what to do anymore.
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justme_
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hi, justme, I don't know if you are on any eds but I think they need renewing. I also have felt similar feelings to those you have now. I have found that CBT counselling helps me.
everything you describe is part of a depression and you are right things will get better.
You are an innocent in everything that has and is happening.
You have a recognised condition and whilst there is not a cure all answer, there are things that can be done to help you.counselling can help you to look at how you feel and find ways to recognise our faulty thinking [please don't blame ad hurt yourself]
We are born with needs - to be fed, to sleep, to be loved and find comfort and more. We seek them out and having our needs recognised builds who we are.
It is a sad fact that although we feel we have a lasting link with someone, relationships do break down. when we are already in a vullnerable state, have low self-esteem or have confidence issues, each relationship lost, or fail to begun, feels largely down to us. This is not so.
Each relationship breakdown leaves a grief - for what a relationship means; for the person; and for the plans we made. Maybe there are people who are "off with the old, on with the new!" bu tin reality most people feel as lost as you described so well. They can feel that way for a long while to, or jump into a "rebound" relationship - it doesn't always feel right but it may help. You were taken advantage of at a low time - or maybe he thought he might help and not realised he would hurt you more.
Ask your Mum if she would come over and share some quiet time with you, tell her you don't want to chat, just her comforting mum presence.
Your life as it is is changing everyday and even yesterday is the past.
Today you changed everything by taking a big step towards a better future - you joined this group.
Now you are in touch with many people who do understand, who have felt as you have.
not everyone reads everyday, or week, so don't despair if you don't get a response. not everyone can reply either but your messages will be read, you might be also putting into words what they can't or are not ready to - any responses you get or give help any people..
I agree with the above. Not until you have recovered sufficiently from the physiological effects of depression that you will see light at the end of the tunnel. Your medication might need reviewing if you are still depressed after a number of years. Ocassionally, you would benefit from unconventional medication for depression i.e. medication that can affect that way your mind is working simply by flushing out the unwanted symptoms.
After trying several antidepressant medication for a number of years since 2004, I was shocked when my doctor had prescribed me Quetiapin, which at the time was not licensed for bipolar. I thought it was a bit too strong for someone who was suffering from depression.
I could not decide for myself but my psychiatrist managed to convince that the worse that could happen with the unconventional medication was that I would get some unpleasant side effects. That was in 2008.
Today, I have successfully completed a post graduate diploma with merit and I am undertaking another professional course.
See your doctor and follow his advice. He knows best.
One word of caution: We don't know enough about depression and everyone is not the same. What worked for me might not work for you. Never give up hope; be prepared to welcome what your doctor suggests for you with an open mind.
Take care
Hi
I'm sorry you are feling low and depressed to the point of having thoughts of self-harm and acting upon them at times. It is obviously a very hard time for you at the moment. It sounds as though you in hitting yourself you are not only releasing pent up feelings but in the process of hurting yourself you are also blaming yourself for how you feel. We all tend to do that.
You say you feel a need to find someone to depend on but that whenever you think you have found such a person they leave you or fail to understand what you actually want from them - your first good friend walked out, then you had another relationship and that person walked out and even when you are with your mother she seems to talk when you would prefer her not to talk. You say you have no one to hold you up. You don't say your age but from what you write I think you are an adult and I'm wondering why you have not felt sufficiently supported in your earlier life to enable you to manage without having someone to depend on now?
If we are lucky as children our need to depend upon other people is met and we grow up as healthy independant people, but if that need is not met then we continue to feel needy. You very clearly still feel a need to depend on someone and I'm wondering why your dependancy needs were not met during childhood. I'm wondering whether your mother was able to mother you sufficiently well to enable you to feel secure, whether you felt able to off into the world without he, whether you perhaps always felt that you needed something more than or different from what you had got from her. Perhaps she was depressed or coping with problems of her own so you felt she was unavailable in some way. I'm wondering whether there were other people that you could depend on, perhaps an aunt or grandmother, or whether you always felt you had to cope alone even though of you couldn't. From what you have written it sounds as though you have always felt there was no one you could depend on. I also wonder about your father as you don't mention him at all, maybe he was not around to depend upon either as you do seem to bring with you the feeling that there is no one who you can depend upon to go on being there for you when you need them.
I know from personal experience that it is incredibly painful to try to live as an adult with the feeling that your childhood needs were not met. I don't know whether that is what you are struggling with, it may be something completely different, but if you are struggling with unmet needs I really feel for you becase it makes life so hard.
When you say your mother talks when you are with her you don't explain what she says and I'm wondering whether you feel she doesn't want to know how you are feeling, that maybe she talks in an empty way to distract you, or whether you feel she doesn't care enough to want to understand. You say you want her not to talk and I'm wondering how you think that would feel, would it just be that you have managed to stop her talking, to shut her up, or would it be that then you would feel able to really BE with her?
Mostly what I feel about your situation is sad. I feel sad that you are not feeling angry with any of the people who have hurt you. Instead you seem to be angry with yourself, as if it is your fault. Obviously some of the reason why they relationships ended may be the result of things you said and did, but the other people also have responsibility. Instead of just blaming yourself, where is your anger towards them? You say you depended on them. Did you tell them? Did you say how much you needed them and wanted them to stay with you, or did you cling and make life seem impossible? We all tend to cling when we feel insecure, I know I do, I'm doing it with someone at this point in my life. Anxiety makes us cling to people we need.
Do seek counsellinghelp to talk things through with. Or you could talk more here and let people try to understand and help. You've done really well to write so clearly about how you feel and people on the website will want to listen and to go on being there for you when they can.
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