I am in a Mental Rut!

[The-Good-Mentalist]

I fear that my life will always be unbearable suffering. I cannot recall a single moment where I last experienced actual happiness or contendness. My life has always been a flurry of intense emotion of anxiety, uncertainty and strife.

I really do not know what to do anymore, there is too much to say. Please know that I am not lying. Even at this moment I feel extremely uncertain and uncomfortable. I am 22 years old and joined the platform 2 years ago, in one of my lowest moods. But I've forgotten about this site and went on with my life. It was all downhill.

I try not to ruminate, I really do, but every social interaction is an effort with a negative undertone. I feel inadequate. I have taken up smoking, and now I am addicted to sigarettes. I am addicted to pornography in a very shamefull way.

I dont know what to do! My mind races, but not to negatives, but just to cope. I cant find words to describe my feelings the way I would like to. My mind is broken in the most horrible subconscious struggle.

I cannot emphasize how bad this realization makes me feel. I need help, really bad, really honestly. I am 22 and still single - incapable of maintaining any relationship. I do not think or live in my mind like other people seem to do, and that separates me from life.

I have this ultimate ego I keep comparing myself to so that I have some sort of guideline as to how life shoulf make sense, but it is killing me inside. I feel like giving up hope.

Can anyone please give me advice? I ask very sincerely. I need advice on how to live a life as I used to before I was 10. This is my only request.

This is the only way I can think of.