*Trigger Warning* I'm not really living at all. My life is purposeless and I don't fit in anywhere.

[TruthSeeker18]

I'm Autistic so to say I'm different is an understatement. Mental disorders run in my family but no one in my family understands mental health at all. Christian Old School Traditionalists usually don't. They are all very insensitive to that sort of thing. I'm the family black sheep for that reason and many others. I've turned my back on religion completely, I chose not to pursue anymore education after high school, and what my family still doesn't know is that I'm LGBT. I'm Non-Binary with They/Them pronouns and I'm Bisexual. My mother actually does know about the last 2 but basically ignores it. I think she's convinced herself it's not true to not be upset. I don't ever want to tell them to truth because I know I can't handle the cruelty and mistreatment that would come from it. I don't want to cut them out of my life and make myself an orphan though. I want a family but I want out of this one. Which brings me to my next problem. I'm dating my true love but I don't fit in with my future In-Laws either. We're an interracial couple. I'm black and he's white. If you're going to say I'm being ridiculous, or that I'm the one isolating myself on purpose or making myself out to be different, Don't. Don't even think about it. My boyfriend is the first ever in his family to date interracially. I am literally different, no ifs ands or buts about it. Literally the black person, I stick out like a sore thumb. Even our future children will fit in with them better than I will and that's also something that upsets me every day. Not to say that his family has made me feel like this. Most of them. For the most part, they're angels. They really try to talk to me and get to know me and be as inclusive as they can. But I'm just very different from them in personality. They are all gamer nerds basically. They're all pretty smart and they all love gaming. I'm not that smart and I'm definitely not into gaming, it's never been something for me to get into. He got me hooked on this really awesome game.that we now play together. But other than that I just don't like or understand any of their stuff. And because they're the opposite of my family I grew up very differently than my boyfriend. There's a lot about my family that I hate but sometimes you just can't help but take after your relatives. And my you my family is basically all 10 years older than all of them. My mom is in her 50's and his parents are in their 40's. His grandmother is 50's or 60's and my grandparents are in their 70's. You get the idea. Our families are basically 2 totally different generations. Christian traditionalists from an older generation and Non-Religious Modern progressive people have nothing in common. And because I take after my family a bit I have nothing in common with them either. Even my boyfriend's sister's boyfriend goes golfing regularly with his dad. I hate golf. So even he is capable of bonding with his dad (who is an emotional brick wall by the way) and I can't. Even his family doesn't exactly respect my gender or my pronouns. His mom is the only one who bothers to remember. I don't fit in with my own family or my future In-Laws. And I don't have any friends. What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to turn to? My favorite grandma was the only family member who loved me unconditionally and never made me feel like less of a person. She died in 2019 and now that she's gone I feel like I don't have a family anymore. I wasn't out to her either as Non-Binary of Bisexual. But I think one day I would have been brave enough to tell her if only we had more time. She was religious too and probably wouldn't have understood but she probably would have tried to understand. And she definitely wouldn't have turned her back on me, she would have loved me just the same. But now that will never happen. I'm too different from everyone around me and I have to hide who I am from half the people in my life. And all I can do is put on a happy face for my boyfriend and his family because if I'm going to marry into that family the last thing I need is to make them feel bad. And I don't want them to pity me either. Boy it feels good to get this out.

[Gambit62]

I am glad that you have been able to say everything above. People often find it very difficult to admit that they don't get on with their family - for me my friends are much more important than my family though most of my friends have good relationships with their families and at times I can feel left out. I did get on very well with my father and his death - over 20 years ago, is still painful.It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. do you have access to any talking therapies at the moment - it sounds as if you could really do with the space that could provide to explore everything that you are feeling and find the confidence to be authentic to yourself. You would need to find the right therapist though.

[TruthSeeker18 in reply to Gambit62]

I swore off therapy years ago. Even if I wanted to go back I can't afford it. But it's refreshing to see someone who gets it.