Hi. I'm a young female adult in my mid-twenties. I live with my grandma and it's only us two in the house. Just a little of my history, I've been suffering from mental illness for about 8 years now and I can't seem to get my life together. Depression, low self-esteem and abuse has been pulling me down for years. I can't seem to get out of this hole I'm in no matter how hard I try to stay on the right path, I always end back at square one. Here's my issues I'm still getting over my parents divorce which happened about 20 years ago. I don't have a relationship with my real dad and quite frankly I don't care to ever have a bond with him, I don't hate him but I'm disgusted by the way he treats his family and what he did to me and my mom. I do reconized that I have deep rooted resentment towards him that has gotten worse over the years. So basically my real dad is and always has been a piece of shit dispite him now "turning over a leaf" what a load of crap. Anyway he is irrelevant to this, and as for my mom she has been pretty decent support over the years, but as of late our relationship has been rocky due to her attitude and religion. She also suffered from depression due to her and my dad terrible relationship in the past. So my childhood hasn't been too great and as an adult my life had gotten worse. I've cried more as an adult than when I were a kid. Even though I was poor and bullied as a teenager in school I still was tougher than I am now. When I was younger I was shy and quiet and I'm more of an introvert now. It's 2017 and I STILL self harm and I'm ashamed of the fact that I still fight with this. Everyone around me including my mom tells me that I know better, but when you're sick in your head it's hard battling this for so long. These people just don't understand me and that's why I isolate myself and I don't socialize much anymore. It doesn't matter to me that I'm attractive, smart, nice, kind etc... I still feel like a broken mess inside. All my romantic relationships failed and that's made my depression and self esteem worse! I'm not close with any of my other family members and I've always had issue with my cousins. So basically I have no real love life because I struggle to meet someone who actually cares about me. Everyone seems too carnal for me and that's a turn off, men only use and abuse me I allow it because I feel worthless and lonely feeling like the only way to be loved (even if it is superficial) by a man is to sleep with them, but I feel so horrible afterwards. I work once a week far away because our economy hasn't recovered in years. So I have no money and I'm barely getting by and trying to help my grandma with the bills etc ... I have no help and nobody loves or cares about me except my mom and even she is neglecting me because she is going through her problems with losing her job so I don't go by her or call her. I don't take my meds because I smoke weed to cope with how horrible my life is. I think about suicide a lot and I've been admitted to the psych ward a few months back from a mental break down. I have no real close friends or family to cry to. I don't have a car so I stay home in my room sleeping all day and barely eating, avoiding all contact with everyone. At one point I did get my life a little bit on track but I lost the motivation or will to do the things I like and that which betters me as a person on the whole. I feel so empty inside, like something is missing from my life. I feel also like I don't belong here I'm a deep over thinker I'm overly sensitive, with anger issues. On top of mental illness I also have physical health problems. My head hurts every day from stress. Why can't I just die so I could have eternal rest and some peace of mind.