My life of mental illness and why. TRIGGER WARNING

[Sarahjane1968]

Hi, my name is Sarah. I suffer with anxiety and depression, because I was sexually abused and rapped by my brother's it started from the age of 7year's old my twin sister was sexually abused by the younger brother. But for me it was by both brother's. The eldest brother is 8years older than me. I know MY LIFE is coming to an END. I finally had the strength to go back to the police. As I done a statement back in 2005, but my mother made me stop it. I always swore. The day my mother passed away, was the day it was all coming OUT. But YET again my mother begged ME not to do anything. She said to me one day. Sarah if I go before Ur step dad, Please Don't do anything, So I kept to my word. When he died. I went to the police. Cut a long story short. IT WENT TO CROWN COURT. But because when ME and MY TWIN SISTER DONE our statements. ...... the .....officer said that we would have to read and sign the statement, but it was hard enough to go over reliving our lives from the age of 7year's intil we were about 13,14 YEARS OLD.We both said to ...... that we couldn't read the statement. So she said, " Well if u TRUST me just sign."So we did. On the day of crown court I DONE MY EVIDENCE, but when MY TWIN SISTER DONE her evidence, the barrister said to my sister that the younger brother raped her. So OVIOUSLY my sister TURNED TO the usher who was Sat in the video evidence room,COS WE were to scared to go in the box. That wasn't true, he sexually abused me,but he did RAPE MY TWIN SISTER. They stopped the trial so the barrister could talk to my sister. As it was in her statement, she told the barrister that she couldn't read the statement. But the ......officer PUT in my sister's statement that the younger brother raped her. That then OVIOUSLY PUT doubts with the jury's verdict.

The eldest brother is 8years older than me and my twin sister. He never touched my twin sister it was always ME ............................ That went on for about 3 years, 2 or 3 times a week. He left home and the other brother raped me and sexually abused me and my twin sister. He never raped her only me. SO because of that. They both GOT found NOT Guilty. The younger brother WHO pleaded guilty to sexual abuse. That's ALL that happened to him was. He's GOT TO stay away from US both for 5 year's. I'm 50years old. I am trying to fight this, but WAS told yesterday BY the CPS. That I couldn't have a retrial. SO they've got away with it ALL. I had evidence GOING back to 1992. As I TOOK an overdose. Cos I couldn't cope with what they done TO me. There's NOT EVEN on going support for ME. MY mental health is through the roof. I've been single now for 15 year's. I live on MY OWN. Because of my anxiety I don't bother with anyone. Im disabled SO can't walk very far. So WERES the light OF THE TUNNEL FOR ME. WHAT JUSTICE SYSTEM IS THIS. WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADE TO READ OUR STATEMENT. I HOPE CAN LIVE WITH HERSELF BY PUTTING WRONG INFORMATION IN MY SISTER'S STATEMENTS. I'VE LOST MY SON BECAUSE OF THIS. HE IS 15YEARS OLD. AND LEFT WHEN HE WAS 12YEARS OLD. HE WON'T EVEN SPEAK TO ME. BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT COULD HELP ME. As we have only seen the .... officer ONCE since THE trial. And THAT WAS TO TELL ME. THAT IT was MY TWIN SISTER fault, because she changed her statement halfway through the trial. No she stopped it,because what the barrister said that he raped her wasn't true. We are not liers... So we definitely wouldn't LIE in CROWN COURT. MY HEAD'S ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW. So I will post my life stories and hope it's not too Long. X

[Satsuma]

I'm not sure what to say to this post .. Maybe the MAS_Nurse will know

[MAS_Nurse]

HiSarahjane1968 and thank you for your post. This is obviously a very traumatic situation for you. We are hre and we are listening but please bear in mind that this community is anonymous online and not professional in nature. We would therefore encourage you to get appropriate professional psychological help and support. Please check our Pinned Posts section for the free Mental Health Guides, International Crisis Support Helplines etc. Please make an appointment to see your GP so that he/she can support you.

If you are in the UK, have you tried to contact the NSPCC as they may be able to help you?

Non-recent abuse NSPCC

nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abu...

The Survivor's Trust

the survivorstrust.org/national-helplines/

How are you feeling now? We care about you n this community and our members will try to support you a much as they can. In the meantime, if you are feeling distressed and live in the UK, please call----The Samaritans

Freephone 116 123

24 hour helpline

7 days a week

They provide a listening ear. Also, if you live outside of the UK and are distressed, please have a look at the Crisis Support Helplines on the Pinned Posts on the screen. You will be able to start to rebuild your life by accessing some support and taking small steps. Look after yourself and take care. Thank you and best wishes.

[Stilltrying_]

Hello Sarah. I am so sorry to hear your story. It comes across very real and very raw and that you are an incredibly honest person. I am so sorry that at the time you needed it most the case was messed up through some misunderstanding over evidence as you describe. That must be totally heartbreaking for you.

It sounds like you have tried all your life despite your terrible circumstances to do the right thing. I feel honoured that you have shared your story with us. I am wondering if there are any local charities that may be able to help you with some gentle counselling at no or low cost? I know in some areas such mental health charities exist. I was involved with one in my area called Mytime but that is just for the area I live in in Birmingham in the West Midlands.

Do you have anything that comforts you like colouring in books or word searches or do any local churches or libraries or local charities have social groups or activities that you may join to give you some sense of belonging ? eg knit and natter group? mental health discussion group, mindfulness group? craft group such as card making? gentle exercise? ( I know you say you are disabled but there is exercise in a chair)

Do you have an animal you can love? maybe make up for some of what you have missed in your life? A cat maybe? They are less trouble and more manageable than other animals. I know that may feel a bit overwhelming but also it can work for some people so it is just a suggestion . Personally I like singing, doing crosswords, circle dancing, yoga, walking in nature. But I understand you are disabled and can't do many of these things, so just start with something small and manageable like getting on a bus to your local library and finding what groups are there.

You have been through so much injustice; it must be absolutely soul destroying for you. I do hope that with some help you can start to find a little peace from the terrible traumas life has sadly inflicted on you.

I am rooting for you and hoping that the next part of your life is better for you than what came before. MAS nurse has mentioned the Samaritans 116 123. I have phoned them many times and taken comfort from them. They are there 24/7.

Gemma xx

[Sarahjane1968 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks Gemma, at the moment I'm just taking a day at a time. I had a letter confirming that I can't have a retrial. I haven't read it,my daughter has, AS I can't bring myself to read it. But when I do I will let u know. Thanks again. Xx

[Sarahjane1968 in reply to Stilltrying_]

hi Gemma I'm so sorry that I haven't got back to you

But to be honest with you, I just shut down. Im only now starting to look on the site. That's all I have done is at my daughter's, I've locked myself away and just watch TV all day and night. But I don't want this lifestyle anymore, it's affecting my 12 year old grandson as I'm sleeping in his bedroom and he sleeps in a single bed in his mums bedroom. And my other grandson who is 3 years old sleeps with his mum. It's just not fair

But the thought of going back to my large 3 bedroom on my own, my anxiety goes through the roof. I've been on the waiting list for years to downsize but they expect me to go anywhere, but why should I go to somewhere I don't want to go. I've lived in the same place for nearly 40 years. My home is very clean and up to date. Then the rules are.... That if you refuse the second or third. Im banned from the housing list for a year, how ridiculous is that. But I've still got to pay the bedroom tax. But hopefully if I get myself together everything will sort itself out. I still haven't had any counselling or any other help, but im slowly starting again. Thanks for your kind words. Xx

[Stilltrying_]

A day at a time. That's a good policy I find. Thinking of you and hoping for the best for you x

[Genuineguy]

Hi Sarah. Im really sorry for what you have been through. I believe you and know you have no reason to lie. Im sure many many others believe you too. The court system is not a fair system and is made up of technical problems. Its not your fault or your sister's why you didnt get the result you deserved. The result doesnt reflect you in any way. If anything, you should be really proud of yourself for having the courage to face your attackers. You did amazing! Also your example makes me feel courage too. You make me feel I can face my own problems. Thank you for sharing this. You are inspiring. Dont give up and please keep taking one day at a time. Youre amazing!