Autism, (asperger's) and tinnitus. I'm 29, and I'm out of dreams.
I tried, I've really tried. I've worked in a library, city hall, for the railroads, for the postal service, for a bakery, on a farm... I've dated, I've tindered, I've bumbled, I've tried to be a good and supportive friend. I've seen therapists, psychologists, audiologists about the autism, the tinnitus (a constant, twitchy 14000 hz beep in my left ear). I've really tried being a functional adult. I had dreams of falling in love with a woman, and a job where I felt I belonged, about having a place to call ours/my own and maybe even start a family.
But those dreams that kept me going are dead. I used to be able to mask my autism for jobs and dating but because of tinnitus I simply can't do that anymore. I can't focus on summoning the right expressions on my face, properly filter anymore the words I use, any subject seems meaningless and empty to me. All there is is this beep and my autistic dysfunctional behaviour that won't ever get me anywhere near the ambitions I once had.
I feel absolutely like a useless wretched creature. A shadow of the man I tried to be. I feel like a leech to those supporting me and around me, and to society itself, and I can't anymore be anything other. I struggle with motor skills and I struggle with my mind due to an unstoppable noise. I don't want to get too dark, lest I unwantedly set others on a path that should not be walked, but I really feel like it's game over. I've played and lost the game of life, and I only keep on living... in truth... because I'll get to be dead eventually, forever, anyway. A fate that awaits us all.
That's me at 29.
I'm not sure what I'm asking. Why I'm sharing this. You all live in the same cold and mostly indifferent world with me. Leading your lives as best you are able, enjoying the little things. I know going on is all we can do. Just why does it have to be so hard for some of us. I feel like there are millions of people, maybe billions, that exist like I do, wasting away in chronic torment, on a world with no purpose or room for them. Even when I worked and dated I still couldn't afford to move out to a place of my own, never mind that entire considering what I've become.
I'm just fed up, every day, every second of every minute. I take my numbing and sleeping medication and help out my grandparents with shopping and farming so I atleast feel like I deserve to live where I am, but I'm not sure living is the right word. Surviving is more apt, and I have a good 30-50 years of it to go. To sleep, eat and fap away like a monkey in a cage.
I guess my message is this. I hope you have more than I do. I hope you still dream. I hope you still have it in you to try, because it can all be taken from you in a flash.
"We either live with intention or exist by default." - Kristin Armstrong.
Well I've switched to existing by default bereft of choice, and it sucks. Thanks for reading and enjoy silence if you can have it. Don't take it for granted. I know I did.
I'm making the best of things, I hope you are too x
Happy Birthday to me?
What's wrong with me? 
Why does having a schedule freak me out?
