Relationship

[JBJosh454]

Hi, its been a while since i posted here. I wish it was because I've been doing better but it seems I've really just be in denial of my actual condition. I've fallen pretty deep into my depression. I've mostly stopped taking care of my home, self, and mostly my relationship with my fiance. I've let my mind be taken over by thoughts that i dont believe reflect my true character and I've made a huge mistake that has the potential to destroy my relationship. Over the past week I've made an effort to cheat on my fiance and was caught red handed when my fiance searched my browsing history on my phone. My fiance has issues with sex and intimacy from past trauma so it can be pretty hard for her to get in the mood. When our relationship started we would have sex nearly everyday and over time we had sex less and less til now we have sex maybe once or twice a month. I've had an issue with compulsive masturbation since i was 15 i believe. To this day i do it whenever i get the urge which can be 2 or 3 times a day. I do it with out second thought but almost always regret it after I've finished. In the past months doing this wasn't enough to satisfy this urge and i started to have these reoccurring thoughts that i should find sex elsewhere to satisfy my addiction. This is where i started making the mistakes that got me into this situation. Instead of doing the right thing and talking to my fiance about these feelings i tried to ignore them. As i fell deeper into my depression i found it harder and harder to turn these feelings away. In the past week i made a new email and a tinder account and searched various escort sights. I even made a $50 dollar "donation" to someone just to talk to a girl. It was a scam of course. I never made contact with anyone or ever cheated but if i had gotten to that point idk if i would have went through with it or not. My fiance was shocked to find out what i had done and naturally wanted an explanation and i didn't know what to say. That night she said she wasn't going to leave me. I spent almost the whole night awake asking myself why i did this regretting every thing i had done. The next day she had went to my sister in laws for advice and the most intense fear and anxiety i have ever experianced washed over me. She had been gone for several hours until probably 1130pm. I was so afraid that she wasn't coming back, that the life that we had spent 2 and a half years building was over. Ive spent the last 5 days thinking non stop about this asking myself how i could do this to a woman who had complete trust and love for me. She thought i was a different , i thought i was different, but i disappointed her and now i have no idea whats going to happen or if things will ever be the same again. I know that i want to do whatever it takes to make it right and ensure that ill never do something like this again. I don't want to make excuses for what i did. I know it was wrong and i take full responsibility for my actions. I just don't know what to do. I know that 8 months ago i would never have even considered doing something like this, i know this isn't the me i used to be, i need to change.