I'm not sure what to put this under but my father holds this above my head to this day and I'm in my mid 20s.
So when I was little I agreed to the statement, 'You make me proud, I'll make you proud.' Little 4 year old, hopeful for what the future holds for me and believing that I could do anything as long as it made my parents happy.
Fast forward to mid teens. I started falling under with grades and performance. I was always a smart student, got good grades was very promising. But I started going through depressive symptoms. My apathy started to grow as I just stopped caring for everything, I stopped wanting to live. As it got worse, I tried asking for help or the very least, tried my best to voice my concerns.
I was always shot down, always told that I just had a 'weak mind' and that I'm 'letting it get to me'. Then it gets to the line 'you promised me that you'd make me proud. what happened?' Then I feel guilty. That I can no longer live up to that expectation and that I'm desperately needing support but that support from the people that should care for me the most, is neglected. I can't tell if I'm getting gas lighted or if my symptoms are just acting up.
Forward to my 20s as I'm trying my best to attend university. It doesn't go very well because my illness wasn't treated or being helped with. I often get criticized of not performing well or being 'perfect'. Any request I make to hopefully help ease my struggles through school was overlooked and ignored. They were small things like, please keep it down, I'm trying to sleep/study. Or please don't park behind my car so I can leave on time. Small things like that gives me anxiety and then the stressors of not performing well grew so large to the point I was unable to perform at all. Again I try to convey my struggles, but it's overlooked. There's no reassurance just expectations and blame.
I withdrew from university because I was unable to deal with the emotional struggles I was having. I'm certain they're disappointed and seek to tell me what I could've done better. But at the end of the day, they still push off every struggle I mentioned. Because I'm no longer meeting expectations, they've changed their treatment towards me. It hasn't been the nicest, just belittling and scrutinizing while at the same time invading my privacy, disrespecting me and continuing with neglect. Reminding me that they've spent money on me and how could I fail them?
My resentment just grew and I no longer have any hope.
If the 4 year old me knew that this was going to be the outcome, would she have agreed to that promise?
Also, what does it say about someone who holds a promise a 4 year old made above ones head?