Narcissistic ‘friend’

[BertieBasset11]

I’m 60, happily married man.

Some time ago I got friends with a lady who knew me from school on Facebook, we have chatted and text pretty regularly, she wanted to buy me a meal as a big birthday treat, my wife although also her friend on Facebook knows nothing of this.

My wife has a medical condition which makes sex impossible, she has been like this for 7 years, possibly because of that reason I’ve been drawn in by this other lady.

In our last few texts to each other have she has gone ballistic, vulgar (asking if I want different sexual favours etc etc), she has now blocked me on Facebook, doesn’t answer my texts and this is all over nothing.

I have a genuine concern for her, I want to help, I’ve looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and she has just about every symptom, I want to help her, but how?

I’ve told her I valued our friendship but it would never come between my wife and I, I also stupidly told her I wasn’t interested in sex because I’ve been celibate for a long time.

She also knows about my depression and anxiety, she told me that as a teenager she took a lot of tablets but fortunately her father found her and she was rushed to hospital, her older brother was at university so no one told him of his suicide attempt and he still doesn’t know to this day.

I’m now thinking this is all just in her own little fantasy land. She is 59, divorced, one daughter aged 30 and has told me she has had 4 long term relationships and has been $hi¥ on each time.

My head is saying stay well away, but my heart is staying help her. Basically I’m lost.

[Hidden]

Personally just by the explanation given this lady sounds lonely and depressed and is looking for someone to relate to, If she is living alone that may be causing her to look on a old friend for either a relationship or friendship.

Understand She may feel she has exposed her private needs to you and was feeling exposed when she explained Her needs with you, She also now feels what relationship She had with you, Facebook has gone bad hence not replying to you. Could she feel embarrest.

She may have also read the relationship between your Wife and You, Celebrate.

I personally feel She will not call you again

My family have the condition you explained and it is a very nasty, dangerous controlling health concern.

If you feel this lady is as personally I would run to the hills, like I did, forget the person and live your life However remember She showed you her truth, she must be very lonely

BOB

[BertieBasset11 in reply to Hidden]

Bob a lot of what you say sounds right, she was in a relationship with a man who still lives with her, only they no longer share the same bed (that’s what she said), she won’t throw him out because (her words again) she couldn’t manage financially.

I’m not the type of person who can easily walk away from someone who I think needs help, I’m just at a loss as to how to help.

[Hidden in reply to BertieBasset11]

It is all up to you, the dynamic you explain sounds complex and she must feel complicated living with someone She cannot get rid of through finances. She will be looking for ways out and sad to say you have been there with your worries and concerns.

Sometimes when a partner is ill some men look for a relationship outside marriage due to lack of sex. The problem is your wife and her needs. also expectations. You say celibate, How would your Wife feel if you were looking for love else where would she condone or condemn Many marriages work well when someone is il etc

BOB

[BertieBasset11 in reply to Hidden]

Bob we’ve been married 36 years, when she finally told me about her problem I was very honest, I would miss not having a sex life, but I loved her (and still do), I’m not going to leave her for another women.

I did actually tell me friend that I would never leave my wife.

I’m torn, I want to help my friend, she needs help, but if she doesn’t admit she has a personality disorder (and I don’t think she will), then I risk causing trouble.

I was a fireman before being pensioned out with I’ll health, I got a buzz helping people, I’m not the type to walk away if I can help, the problem here is as a fireman people asked for my help, in this situation I suppose I’m forcing my help on someone, that may be foolish of me, but to stand by and see someone suffer is an impossibility for me.

If only she would agree to meet with me, so I can say I want to help, point out to her she needs help, but she won’t.

We did meet up once, I made something for her daughters garden, that’s were we met when her daughter was at work, one of the first things she asked was did I look down on people who had menial jobs (she used to work on the tills in a supermarket), my answer was I never judge a book by its cover, what someone does for a living doesn’t mean you should look down on them. Her life now is looking after her daughters dog through the day, that’s it, nothing more. I think she suffers from NPD and also depression, but how do I get my point over?

Apparently her daughter is concerned because there’s not a night goes by when she doesn’t have a couple of glasses of red wine or a few rum and cokes.

Because of my depression I fell the need to help her!

[Hidden in reply to BertieBasset11]

You need to ask yourself if you are setting yourself up fall, Narcs can be very manipulative and can cause various types of trouble, they are the worlds best manipulators and they do not seem to have any understanding of any damage done.

However I feel she is mostly lonely.

Be careful how you approach this, I would imagine She may say something to you and then back off. She needs help and possibly needs to see Her Doctor.

You have had a rough time in your own Life, and stressed. I was medically retired in December 1988 and never worked since. I am now sixty nine seventy in several months time. I can understand your need to help this person. Consider any actions very seriously before embarking on this way forward

BOB

[hypercat54]

I have done quite a lot of reading about narcs. Every one says you can't help them coz they don't see anything wrong with their behaviour. She would and abuse you too you know and is just trouble so my advice is to steer clear.

[BertieBasset11 in reply to hypercat54]

I know you’re right but it’s hard to give up on her.

[hypercat54 in reply to BertieBasset11]

Not as hard as it would be to be her narc supply.

[Hidden in reply to BertieBasset11]

This sounds like your mind is made up regardless of the replies.

I say run and run far. Narcs will never admit they need help let alone accept any. I think she realized you weren’t that ‘guy’ that she could use, control, push over etc. She’s moved on to another victim.

[BertieBasset11 in reply to Hidden]

You’re all right, but my mind is not yet made up, however I am steering towards trying to help her.

We actually ‘found’ each other again via a work colleague of mine, I didn’t even know her name at the time, about a year ago she feel out with my work colleague and said some pretty nasty things about him, I’ve no doubt I’ll be taking his place as the ‘bad guy’ in her life, which is so unfair.

She has already placed a post on Facebook (she told me a few weeks ago she wasn’t posting on Facebook again), which is a dig at me, saying it’s a mad mad world, thank the Lord for us ‘sensible’ decent ones. That hurts, what’s worse, she has many followers on Facebook who’ll all believe she is the victim.

As I’m typing this, it’s becoming clear I probably won’t offer her help, I’m starting to realise help for her much come from her and unfortunately I think that will never happen.

[TinaRibena]

I would leave well alone. Your life was 'ok' before she made contact so just stop beating yourself up about her. Yes, it sounds like she needs help and you like to help others, but I would advise walking away from her. The fact she asked you what sexual favours you wanted indicates all is not well with her. If your wife found out, think how she would feel? This situation is not worth ruining your marriage for.

[BertieBasset11 in reply to TinaRibena]

She was being nasty about the sexual favours, she is very angry at me, she was actually being vulgar which again is symptom of NPD.Sorry I didn’t make that clear.

[Hidden]

Stay well away from her and spend more time with your wife.

[BertieBasset11 in reply to Hidden]

I am.

[Torri_____]

From someone desperately after 16 years of a disaster called marriage currently trying to break free of this abuse RUN FAST and don’t look back. Please know that empathetic caring people are these type of people’s target and they study your needs and play the role of poor victim while they suck your energy and enjoy watching pain on others that they inevitably feel themselves. I had the same hard time guilting myself for not doing enough to help but after this many years and completely giving all of myself =these types as much as you do to help will never be enough. They don’t actually want or thinks that they need help. You are a good man and a good marriage and unfortunately this type will go after that using your empathetic heart and then try to sabotage your life. Even a sick wife would not be off the table to harm by actions or words. Thank you for opening up to try to discern this situation and wishing you and your wife the best. Take care of the people in your life that actually are grateful for friendships and caring humans and this will hopefully w time slip behind your thoughts and out of your mind.

[BertieBasset11 in reply to Torri_____]

Thank you for your input and kind words. This may sound stupid, but I was a fireman before I was retired ill health and I got a buzz helping people,I miss that, so I find it incredibly difficult just walking away, but I will, I’ve offered my help should my friend need it but only if she in turn seeks the help she needs. I know from the replies I’ve had on this topic that she will never request help, because in hers eyes she’s right, everyone else is wrong.

What is also sad, she has a daughter in her early 30’s, she’s pretty, own home and car, yet still single, my friend told me her daughter had a disastrous boyfriend who made her life hell, I fear her daughter has the traits as her mother, what a complete waste of a life.

Thanks again x

[Linnea1]

Hello, Bertie - I want to warn you, from experience, that you can never "help" a narcissist. You should help yourself and RUN. Quickly. Also, try not to analyze her or the situation. It will never make sense and any kind of resolution you seek will never come. It will always be about her. Just shut her out of your mind and move on as if you'd never reconnected. I'm sorry for this experience, but the good news is that you saw her for what she was early on. Later would have just been more painful and more destructive.

Take care!

[BertieBasset11]

Thank you. She’s now history, for me, but as she is friends on Facebook with my niece, I’ve told my niece to be very careful of her.

You’re all correct, a Narc cannot be helped, they won’t even listen to reason.

Thank you all for your help.

[BertieBasset11]

I’m really struggling now. I begged my friend to seek help, she won’t, which will come as no surprise to you all. The last text I sent her was really nasty, I told her never to contact me or my family until she sort help, and we all know that will probably never happen, but now I feel nothing but guilt, I know I have to ignore her, forget we ever had any sort of friendship, but I’m finding it very difficult.

How have others who have experience of befriending someone with NPD, coped after all contact is lost?

[Linnea1 in reply to BertieBasset11]

Hello, BertieBasset11 - I always had the same guilt when I did the same thing, but the thing is that, as you know, there is no "perfect" way to cut ties with a narcissist and, if you end up feeling so guilty that you try to reach out to her, nothing will have changed. There are some great videos on Youtube about how to deal with and/or break ties with a narcissist, believe it or not, or you can find readings online, if you prefer.