Separation

[Willowhouse]

Hi struggling with the fact my husband has left me after 15years together. I have had a breakdown and not in a good place. He has just gone said he’s not happy anymore. How do I cope any suggestions x

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Welcome to the forum. Have you considered professional help? When I suffered my breakdown, that was what I needed.

[Willowhouse in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Yes I’ve been to a crisis house and having therapy talking and in antidepressants. Just struggling how he has walked away after 15 years like that

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Willowhouse]

It's going to be a struggle but it sounds like you're taking all the right steps (therapy, meds, joining this site, etc). You'll find a lot of support here from caring people with a lot of experience strength and hope to share. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

[Willowhouse in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Just want to be able to go a day without the feeling of being worthless and not going over all the terrible things he has said in my head. Hopefully I will come thru this a stronger person and realise he is a nasty man. Thank you for replying means a lot

[Willowhouse in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

How are you doing now. Just looked at your previous posts. Is your mood more stable. Could I ask what medication you take. I’m on citalopram but think being changed to sertraline

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Willowhouse]

I will pm you

[Cb1963 in reply to Willowhouse]

After 15 years marriage no doubt your head is running riot,try not to over think things at the moment, he's done what he's done, and from a mans point of view not nice,keep a level head,I hate these stories when someone has to get medication because of someone else's selfish attitude,try not to drink on top of the medication and hopefully you have a close network of friends who can support you during this difficult time,there probably will be reasons, but he's not man enough to tell you, or perhaps he's got financial difficulties, there could be a whole host of reasons, but trying to solve them on your own will only keep your head full of unanswered questions,this forum is a way of getting support, it can't answer all your questions, but on many occasions, it's been a lifeline for those who are trying to just get a some solutions to problems,I hope that you get some more replys, thanks

[Willowhouse in reply to Cb1963]

Thank you for replying I am just in shock and trying to get my head around it all. I will hopefully be ok and build a new life for myself and my daughter without him. Just goes to show your whole life can change in a instant.

[Cb1963 in reply to Willowhouse]

Yes,look,you and your daughter will be in total shock, I can only offer you my sympathy and understanding, life can throw up some nasty surprises,it just annoys me that you have to take medication because of what he has done to you,that's what gets me, I know relationships/ marriages break down and the warning signs are sometimes are there, but to up sticks and just do one,its a bitter pill to swallow,stay strong, dust yourself down,and don't let him back in the door, unless he's got some bin liners, you don't want to be on a rollercoaster of a ride if he's messing you around,its your life now,and you make the decisions, you are in control, not him,so a bit of girl power goes a long way,so give you and your daughter time to adjust, she will have to probably know her dad will be making arrangements to visit her,and this will be awkward and confusing for her,and I bet you'll be picking her brains for information,well,that will all come out later no doubt, avoid that route if possible, it will only cause you anxiety, your better than that, remember he's the one who has run away! You have pride and everything else intact, the dignity you show through out all of this will leave your daughter in a better place, once again, sorry I'm writing this to you, but I hope this gives you a little strength, thanks

[Willowhouse in reply to Cb1963]

Thank you for your kind reply. I certainly will never have him back after this he is not the man I married he has completely changed. And for the worse.. I deserve better and will take time and rebuild myself and a new life. Like you say I have my pride intact and would never be unkind to just hurt somebody. I will realise I am better off without him in time and thanks again means a lot you have taken time to reply

[Cb1963 in reply to Willowhouse]

You'll be fine,this forum has thousands of members, non of us will never meet, strange we give advice, to people all over the world, and we all have one common bond,and that whoever or whatever problem it be,we all throw our virtual arm of help round you to try to find a solution to their difficulties,so I wish ever happiness in the future, you may feel like your world has fallen apart around you, but remember this forum will always throw sunshine up 24 hours a day,thanks

[Willowhouse in reply to Cb1963]

Thank you

[Sasical in reply to Willowhouse]

Willowhouse I know it might not feel like it now because of the shock and hurt. But when you are left by someone you have to go through a process and when this is over you will be much better than before and much stronger. A person who walks out like that after 15 years together is not worth it and therefore you will in the long run be much happier without him.

[Willowhouse in reply to Sasical]

Just feel like I’m never going to come through it. Feeling so down and worthless and go over and over in my mind what I could of done to stop this happening.

[Epsom1 in reply to Willowhouse]

I understand the feeling, be kind to yourself be sure to eat well and rest well.

[Willowhouse in reply to Epsom1]

Thank you

[Willowhouse in reply to Epsom1]

Have you been through something similar. How are you coping.

[Squarecobra]

A little over 2 years ago I had a complete breakdown. With professional help I realised that during the time I’d been with my husband I had lost myself plus I had issues from my childhood that I wasn’t aware of/subconsciously suppressed. During my recovery I got up the courage to tell my husband I didn’t want to be with him but he convinced me to try again. I tried for over 12 months, we moved house changed jobs for less stress. Turns out same issues, different postcode. When I told him again I didn’t want to be with him he was shocked saying he didn’t know why. He tried telling all my new friends I hadn’t tried and there was no reason I split our family up (we have a son, just turned 5).

My advice would be to try to speak to your husband and understand his reasons for wanting to leave. Try not to take any comments personally but try to look at it as constructive feedback. He may have seen you slipping into depression and didn’t know how to cope, he could just be selfish and not want to be tied down by family life anymore. Who knows but him.

Take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Don’t try to do too much too soon because you’ll set yourself back which can have a negative impact on your mental health. Don’t give up. Learn how to be selfish and be selfish. Recovery is a long road. I still have difficult days but I look to my son and know I’m all he’s got as his dad isn’t overly involved.

Be strong but be kind to you.

[Willowhouse in reply to Squarecobra]

The last time I seen him he was really angry as we argued and he then started hitting me and got me on the floor kicking me. So cannot ever speak to him for answers when he can do this. I know I should be running a mile and glad we are apart but self esteem in the floor and no confidence at the minute so only see that I love him and want my old life back

[Dolphin14 in reply to Willowhouse]

It's a whole grieving process.

I know you love him. But just reading your last response tells me he's not a good man.

[Sasical in reply to Willowhouse]

Willowhouse In all honesty I think you're lucky he has left because with someone who is like that it could be te other way round, you wanting to leave and him not letting you and threatening you.

Also from what you say I assume that this is not the first time that he has done that, people like this destroy your self-worth so that you can't leave them, we only have one life and you deserve so much better.

Are there any women support groups you could maybe attend to help build up your self-esteem again? They are very helpul and that way you won't feel alone in all this.

[Willowhouse in reply to Sasical]

At the beginning of the realationship I said I was leaving g and he took a overdose so I stayed. Hence 15 years later he left me.. this is the first time he has hit me he is a totally different person I just am shocked at him leaving and hitting me. Don’t know what happened and he says he left because he wasn’t happy anymore. Just been a total shock and knocked me sideways to be honest I didn’t see it coming

[sunrisesunset in reply to Willowhouse]

He isn't a different person. He's the same. That overdose was done to manipulate you and it worked. You were leaving and he found a way to make you stay. If he was a different person back then, why did you want to leave?

First he used emotional abuse (overdose) and then progressed to physical abuse (hitting you). I'm sure there are other abusive situations you didn't notice at the time. He did you a HUGE favour by leaving. Now your daughter won't grow up believing his behaviour is normal.

There is an amazing man out there for you. Your husband isn't that man.

[Sasical in reply to sunrisesunset]

As sunrisesunset very rightly points out, it's very important for your daughter not to grow up believing this is normal behaviour. Hold on to that to move forward.

[Willowhouse in reply to Sasical]

Yes I will do. Thanks

[Cb1963 in reply to Willowhouse]

Er,NO! ive replied to you a couple of times, I'm a Male, and no matter what, lifting your hands are not acceptable!!! He's not happy anymore, God almighty, he's a grown man, I couldn't care less if he's not happy, I doubt whether you are in a good place at the moment, and I'm sure as well he's not bothered one bit,15 years of your life might seem a long time, but think of it another way, imagine another 15 years+ misery and more, I for one hope that all the messages are giving you plenty of support,I appreciate that non of us are in your shoes,and it will be difficult to start all over again,but your sanity and health is better than living your life as a lie,or to suit someone else's demands, so again I wish you a better future ahead.

[Willowhouse in reply to Cb1963]

The messages are all making me feel much better and making me look at the situation from a different angle he’s a pig treating me how he has. I have been thinking completely wrong about this situation and hope I can get stronger and find me again. Thank you

[Cb1963 in reply to Willowhouse]

You probably have to step back, and maybe realize that this has gone on for a long time, maybe not the violence, but other stuff,and this might have tricked you for many years I don't know,only you understand that,this forum is non judgemental, however you will know that the support will be immense,you are no longer a silent voice,and I hope that you can find help out in the wider community to rebuild your life,I'm not going to say it will be easy to trust another man,if that ever happens,but at the moment its you and your daughter that count,I'm sure plenty of ladies will offer to private message you,so again sometimes its easier to message a total stranger and they can offer a different point of view,so the work to starting a new life has begun,and of course I wish you better steps in life, thanks.

[Willowhouse in reply to Cb1963]

Your probably right I haven’t been happy for a long time been low and depressed.. he always put everyone before me and I always said that to him.. I was always second best but no more.. I will be cautious but all men are not the same but for now gonna concentrate I’m me and my daughter. Thank you so much

[Iamworthit in reply to Willowhouse]

What do you love about him? Specific qualities, not vague feelings.

[Willowhouse in reply to Iamworthit]

Now that’s a hard one. At this moment can’t say one thing really.. suppose that’s a good answer then really. Thank you for asking that makes me think yes what has he got I would possibly ever want love or need

[Daz2310]

Stay strong

[Willowhouse in reply to Daz2310]

I’m trying just taking small steps every day. Thank you

[Daz2310 in reply to Willowhouse]

Sounds like your doing everything right I myself have been through the same thing always here for a chat if you need one pm or on here , take care

[Willowhouse in reply to Daz2310]

Thank you.. how are you coping now after your split..

[Iamworthit]

He’s not “happy”.... well when you’ve been with someone 15 years , there’s going to be “not happy” moments, no matter what your spouse is like. I think he’s being selfish and crappy. Marriage means for better or worse ( barring adultery and abuse). In sickness and in health ring a bell?

I’m know it hurts, but brush the dirt of you shoes and move forward. He can kick rocks. A good psychologist can help you stabilize ( doctor, not counselor).

All the best to you

Ps- just saw he hits you as well. Him leaving g is the best thing ever for you. Call an attorney first, then the psychologist/psychiatrist.

[Willowhouse]

Thank you so much that made me smile. Yes he’s not happy so he has the right to walk away and beat me too.. he is a disgrace but somehow he turns it all on me. He even said he won’t apologise for the hitting me as I made him do it.. he’s a coward and I really need to move on and remember the way he has been. Hope

Karma catches up with him for payback. No I shouldn’t want revenge but feel like he’s done all this and off he goes and starts again leaving me in a state

[TinaRibena]

Hi Willowhouse. You will get through this and in doing so will become the person you were before you met him. Tbh he sounds like an a*se. 15 years is a big chunk of your life and of course you will have regrets. You have done nothing wrong, you have tried your best, even staying with him after his overdose. Just take things one day at a time, it has been a big shock. Accept any help from friends, gp's etc, counselling does help so if you are offered any then grab the chance. Having been there, done that (split up after 35 years) yes humungous shock esp when you don't see it coming. My ex never hit me thankfully. Don't meet up with your husband so he can treat you like a punch bag. Now is the time to take care of yourself and try and view your marriage as an outsider would, sometimes it helps you to focus. You will move on and be able to look back without hurting and look forward to a calmer life. xx

[bear4ble]

Number 1. Cannot offer much except to suggest that you could watch 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson on Youtube.

Number 2. When someone is personally unkind to you, they are describing their own psychological difficulties. That means that you are not failing to achieve anything - the other person has a self esteem difficulty and they are unhappy because you! have not fixed it.

Number 3. The other person may attempt other relationships, but the end result for them ( barring miracles ) will be the same - and also for the unfortunate victim.

Hope you don't mind my comments.