Its hard to complain when others have it worse and reading the stories on here sometimes make me grateful to be able to walk, talk, and such...but...I am going to complain here. However I will make it look like a plea for help, which it is too, but its also a complaint.
This has been my month- Went to a physical set up by my health insurance company and when I got there they doctors office told me my insurance was cancelled. Come home to my shared apt. with food to cook and find that the kitchen sink cannot be used (still broken).First Thanksgiving since my mom and uncle passed away, my mom always hosted TG for our extended family, is coming up and I go home to find my dad remodling the dining room and threatening to throw out the serviceware. Came out to slime all over one side of my car because the street sweeper decided to come early, get a carwash tip alot to make sure its cleaned, come out of car wash park get a ticket by sanitation and while reading the ticket the street sweeper passes by my again and gets street dust on my cleaned car. I go to use a friends kitchen and showere take my clothes off and I have multiple bite marks/rash marks on my legs (bed bugs?) I call my lawyer for SS trial date after he ignores my calls and emails for a week only to find out dispite my best efforts to remind him that he never got the medical records from the main mental insitution I go to and we have trial in less than a week. He asks me how I am doing and I tell him bad, lost my health insurance etc... and he tells me you might have bed bugs? I need to tell the judge that and our case can be delayed, I tell him I have red dots and severe OCD and have no proof of any bed bugs and he says that is acceptable (ITs the truth thuough I get skin issues like excema). I just read a thing on health unlocked about a poor guy who had something in his ear he picked off that kept growing back that turned out to be rhymes with answer and I have been picking something on my ear for the past two months and now my OCD is inoverdrive feeling guilty for mentioning this and complaining and worrying if reading his story is a sign but I do not have health insurance. On top of this I have no social interactions for about 95 percent of the week. I only have a friend from an art class I take and we mostly chat for a short while in class and my ex who kicked me out of our apartment for having OCD and we are trying to be friends and thank God she is helping me get organized. I am extremely lonely, I walk around staring at nature and buildings. They are my encouragment to keep existing. However I am not able to keep up with all the set backs and problems, from losing my mother, uncle, my apartment, my partner, my friends, losing my job, living out of my car, to having my father reconstruct the house and threatening to toss out remembrances of my mother, then just the city things like endless ticktes to fight, mice, crittiers, and having severe OCD, 4 years of trying to get help from social services - Nami wasting my time and energy - I feel I am sinking and sinking and soon I will be sucked under.
I know there are possitive stories, like the one shared today which gives me great hope that even at the darkest hour miracles do happen, and I don't need a miracle, I need a dinner that is not by myself surrounded by strangers at other tables, a conversation about life, watching a movie with a nother person, been alone for about 5 months - I just need a person to say I know what you are going through and it sucks...I know today a young person loses there life, a child isn't born, a person in a wheel chair struggles to make a can of soup, I dont have any of those worries and I am grateful but I feel like a statue in the park and just want to talk to everyone passing me by.
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Tikirob
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And by the was I wrote this despite my OCD telling me that if I did I could get really sick. I prayded for the young man who got his ear operated on and almost died, his story was incredible to read but I feel so selfish for complaining but I did it anyway my OCD is heywire thinking I jinxed myself by doing so.
OCD is a terrible and debilitating mental illness.
The thing I want to say most though is that other people’s suffering doesn’t take away from your own pain. You’re right, lots of people suffer and some horrible things happen in this world but you can’t feel guilty or ashamed of your own feelings because of that.
What you’re experiencing is really difficult right now without criticising yourself for feeling like that too.
It can be hard to love yourself. I don’t love myself most days. You don’t have to love yourself - accepting yourself might be easier as a starting point.
I’m sorry to hear you feel so isolated. Do you have any close friends or family?
Accepting it doesn’t necessarily mean thinking it’s ok. But thinking, this is how I feel and it’s not ‘ok’ to feel this way but I also don’t need to criticise myself for it.
Also you are the only one to respond to this. So it makes me feel even worse. I appreciate you reaching out.
Dont feel bad that only one responded, feel good that they did. Dont feel guilty about your feelings. Everybodys feelings or whatever you want to call them is relative to them. Take a deep breath. Sounds like today sucked for damn near everyone. My mind, anxiety, depression was all over the place. Every cuppboard i touched stuff fell oiut. After the fourth time i gave up. Didnt want to cook no more. Affraid i might set house on fire. I quite, i got beat by my feeling and immanent objects. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
You certainly do have a lot going on. You wrote a great post despite your OCD, I'm sure that was challenging for you.
The only way to get social is to get yourself out there. Easier said than done, I know this.
You are interested in art? Are there any ways to get more involved in that?
As far as Thanksgiving goes, you can't change what your Dad is doing. He is probably trying to " move on" from the loss of your mom and has to do things his way. You may not agree, but I'm assuming it was their home and he is doing this for his own reasons.
Never compare your pain to Simone else's. I have a tough time with this too. I feel I should have nothing to complain about when I read stories of other people. But, we all struggle. That's why we are here. Our struggles have changed our lives.
Hi Tikirob, I'm so sorry you feel so isolated. That is a horrible way to feel, and you have so much going on at the moment, it's totally natural you feel the need for some social connection. (Also just an aside, I only stumbled on this accidentally - I'm normally over on the OCD community, maybe you should join that too? There are lots of supportive people on ther, as I'm sure there are on this one - it would just give you another outlet and group of people to tap into. Sometimes even on there, posts will go unnoticed or unanswered for a few days, but it's not intentional and people definitely try to respond. )
I'm wondering if there are places you could reach out to - community groups or activities - that could give you more social contact? You mention your art class, and that's great you do that. I realise these things often cost money, but are there other groups in your community, or even maybe mental health support groups locally, that you could tap into? If not, maybe you might even think about starting a support group yourself in your area? That's a big thing to take on when you're feeling so fragile, I realise, so maybe just a thought for a later date. Otherwise maybe there is an artistic community you could tap into somehow?
Also - again I know this is hard when you're feeeling fragile - but I think you need to tell your dad how his actions at the moment are affecting you. He sounds like he hasn't given any thought as to how you're feeling about your mum's and uncle's deaths, and it seems you are going to have to remind him that you're grieving your mum's passing even if he isn't, or perhaps he's dealing with his grief in his own particular way, but that way is making things even harder for you. Could you have a gentle, calm conversation about that with him? I knwo these things are usually harder in practice than in the abstract, and it's easy for me an anonymous person to sit and make suggestions!
By the way, I'm on here as a mum (my 19-year-old has OCD, as does my 40-year-old brother), so I have limited lived experience to share, but I feel so much compassion for you and really hope you can find the strength to just keep doing what you're doing... you have reached out on here, and I'm sure you can reach out offline to people in your local community who might be able to help, even if (especially!) by being a friend. Good luck, and stay in touch and let us know how you're getting on. People do care
Thanks so much for your kind response. It took me a while to come back to this post after getting one response but see so many others have been kind enough to respond. I am not exaggerating when I say I have tried 99 percent of things to have more social connections and create ties with ocd sufferers and clinicians l. I could testify to Congress as an expert on ocd and the USA mental healthcare system breaking down its shortcomings with the utmost confidence. In one of the Richest countries in the world and in its most popular city I went from being a city/union worker in a higher ed. field taking every precaution to treat my disorder and keep my job to being jobless, uninsured, and living out of my car, calling every social, mental charity and help group to prevent this from happening along the way to avoid a complete downward spiral. My conclusion is that America is set up to only help when it’s almost too late.
6 months quickest time on waiting list for Mentally Ill to get shared housing.
2 years to get an Social Security decision for mental illness disability.
If you use your retirement/pension allocations to live because you cannot work it disqualifies you from food stamps, free health care and a social worker.
I could go on. 43000 deaths from suicide in USA and it’s our mental healthcare system that leads many down the path. I’m a good person. I’m willing to follow up with treatment. I want to live and get healthy, I want to return to work, but the bureaucracies I have battled just to get help have made me feel worthless.
Thanks for your concern and support. Thanks for being a mum and sister to those with OCD. Our illness at times makes us seem ungrateful but your care is invaluable to those suffering.
Thank you for your lovely message. That is terrible re your situation though. I live in New Zealand where our health system has its own challenges particularly in the area of mental health but at least we have free health care (though there are limits to it, and counselling/psychological help is expensive for most).
Stay in touch. I hope things turn a corner for you. You seem like someone who has a lot going for you if you can just get this under control, and I have faith that you can. Try whatever free resources you can get your hands on (there are a couple of people on the OCD forum who recommend some books they say were game changers for them). And hang in there til you can get the professional help you need. It sucks that someone so motivated to get better has to work so damn hard and gets thwarted like this. The help should be automatic! It’s better for everyone if people get the mental health support they need! Anyway I’m rambling sorry, stay strong (in te reo Māori in New Zealand we say “Kia kaha”).
Thanks! Reading my response the next day a bit calmer I feel it may have been a bit reactive. There have been people who have helped here and there, I begged on OCD specialist to see me and she did for a couple of months for free, which is absolutely unheard of, I reached out to David Byrnes a reknowned specialist on anxiety and he at least responded to me with some resources and was sincere in his correspondences, so there are those who try but the truth is unless you are wealthy your chances of getting adequate OCD care are slim. I have tried to reason with the mental health practitioners that the first care is to help lesson the current anxiety I feel. Having to deal with complex and often disfunctional mental health care agencies has increased my stress. It’s not their fault though really the stigma of mental health in America is almost like being deemed a “weirdo” but the lack of acceptance and treatment is highlighted by the news stories where emotionally unstable people make horrific choices or just end up homeless due to the expenses and complexity of their treatment. I guess I just need to focus on my own self care I could be doing a better job of it for sure. I am hoping to get the help I need, that the good people and my own determination will see me through this rough time to get better.
I keep hearing about New Zealand over and over again. In the past months I have had a friend travel and return liking it so much. I met a kind person from their at a local cafe. There is a song called “Sweet Lovers” by a group called The Holiday Makers that I found by chance one day that really is a nice cover of a Bill Withers song. And I heard the quality of life their is good. What is New Zealand way? Is their a motto or life attitude reflected in the culture that helps you at all? I live in Brooklyn now. For someone with my condition it’s hard. The attitude here seems to be “Keep it moving”
Tikrob
I am in the UK so we go to bed earlier than you and get up have breakfast when you are fast asleep, so there was now way I was on site until now. People who attend site are not only in the UK many may live on your side of the Pond.
Your live is busy and with your OCD you will be feeling overwhelmed with all that is going on. Life, people and actions do feel intolerable at times, the problem is we can all feel the same way and many including your self can feel overwhelmed with the School of Life. We all need to try and Compartmentalize everything that is going on around us it can be difficult especially with Mental Health Concerns To step back and take a breath to move on and take things and life as what it is, especially when We suffer OCD and other mental health concerns
Regard life and its trials and tribulations, I find the best way as described is the Compartmentalize each of your problems and try and break this down into very small bites.
Each small bite will be easier to sort and control, if you get stuck on one problem bite do the same with the nex concern, bite and do the same thing, until most of your worries and concerns have been looked at and sorted, this way the problems become less and the distress should be more controllable .
Consider trying A Relaxation Technique, MINDFULNESS, Relaxation Technique is the one most used at this time, There are books explaining how it works on Amazon for about $10 Dollars. £10 STG. That will help you relax and move on when life becomes to problematic
Breathing Techniques are also good to bring yourself down to a more calm outlook.
When it comes to losing people we love we all need to grieve, The best way of doing this is to talk out the loss with people who also knew the person. You like Others will know the person and will have stories to tell, talk about good and bad experiences and this will help you put your thoughts or the loss into perspective. We never get over a loss in the family however talking about the person will celebrate their existence, talking will help you move on.
I look at life as an education in the University of Life, we have been placed here to learn from the actions laid out in Life, If we fail to learn we have to come back after death and go through the same problems again until we pass those trials and are able to move on to another Life experience. It is always best to keep your feet firmly to the ground and try and move on through the trails of life
My doctor said I would be miserable my whole life if I kept on comparing myself to others. It is a hard habit to break. It helps to read or listen to a book. When reading, bad thoughts cant come through to your attention because you cant think about two things at the same time. I hope this helps.
It’s especially hard when comparing the fantasy healthy version of yourself to who who you are now. I just wonder what it would be like to not have OCD. I see myself as having a living partner l, taking steps to achieve goals and enjoying life. That hurts to think about sometimes but so know I’m not alone. So many live with the sadness of being ostracized.
Hey Tikirob….its been awhile.Read what ur going through and Im sending a hug ur way my friend.Very sorry to hear what u have been going through and still dealing with.Always here for ya if ya need to chat.If ya need some silly distracting talk..Im the one.
Hi there again,just been reading your posts.Im an oldy but if I can help you in any way just by being here for you,please message me.Youve had a tough time.Hugs to you.xx
Same here Tikirob, sorry I never replied to your last comment, it slipped my mind in the pre-Christmas busy-ness. Hope you’re doing ok. In answer to your question, I don’t know that New Zealand has a particular “way”, other than that we’re a small country, with smaller cities which maybe makes it easier to experience a sense of community. But believe me we have plenty of lonely people here, plenty of poverty & deprivation, plenty of people with mental health issues who struggle to get the support they need. I think like everywhere, there are people who understand mental health challenges, are empathetic & compassionate, and others who don’t, and aren’t. I think our government & Prime Minister may be better than many, but it is still a coalition government which makes it hard for them to bring about the kind of transformative change that’s needed, in many areas: health, income equality, the environment... from what you describe though, New York does sound like a tough place to be if you’re struggling. However the upside of living in a big city is there will be others with similar challenges to you out there, but obviously the tricky thing is finding them. I hope the last few weeks have been better for you.
Hey! Thanks for your reply. New York City is crowded isolation for some. I had some good news in the past week a step to getting my health care was completed last week, I’ve been out of OCD care because my health insurance was canceled so it’s been a little harder in that dept but I am hopeful to get back to a place where I can get it again. Sorry if oversimplified your nation in any way. I guess I romanticize getting away from here and when I meet those from afar think hey maybe that’s the place to be. I’m just fed up with my city’s mental health system and the massive gentrification that’s going on seems to be really be marginalizing the poor and pushing out the middle class.
Oh gosh please don’t apologise, there are some really good things about NZ of course, but didn’t want you to think we were some kind of utopia! I totally get that thing about thinking maybe somewhere else would be better - many of us in NZ (well us “lefties” anyway!) look at Denmark & other Scandinavian countries and envy them their progressive policies. But every country has its downside - a Danish friend who lives here went back to Copenhagen recently and was shocked at the casual racism & anti-migrant sentiment that seemed to have become acceptable, even amongst some of his friends.
It’s interesting, what you describe (shitty mental health system, gentrification pushing out those on lower incomes...) is also the case here, though maybe to a lesser extent.
So glad you are on the road to getting your OCD care back. It really is terrible that only those who can afford to pay for insurance can access it (or in NZ, those who can afford to pay for therapy - it’s only government-subsidised for those on the very lowest incomes, who often don’t know they can access it, or live in small towns or rural communities where they can’t access it). Anyway... sorry for the rant, here’s hoping things are looking up for you 😊.
Your words are keeping me good company! Thanks. it’s 3:19 am here and I’m wide awake hoping to get super tired. I like use of the word Shitty now I see the common thread between all 1st world English speaking countries, we all have a reason to use the that word haha . My cousin goes to Jamaica quite often and the Rastas there would call it the Shitsem referring to the System, Suprising to hear about Denmark but I think some of these countries idealized there own hospitality. By this I mean that by allowing immigrants into there otherwise insular countries that there would not be a period of hundreds of years for the assimilation to take place and that process would be ongoing. I think as a world ideally we will all become pretty homogeneous as much as we all want to hold on to our heritage. 100,000 years in the future of procreation and more than likely these issues will be less prudent. But I am biased I grew up in the most culturally diverse place in the world Queens, NY. I have no idea what it’s like to have a culture or a heritage. One day I’m talking to a Greek fishmonger another day a Hasidic electronics expert, a Korean cafe owner, Senegalese construction worker, etc...I’m so lucky to meet people from all over the world and there are three types of people, mostly good ,mostly bad, and in between, and it’s the power of good that will keep the generations going.
Ha now see I’m envious cos to me what you describe (the Greek fishmonger, the Hasidic electronics expert etc, - and all in New York!) sounds fantastic. We’re reasonably culturally diverse here in NZ too, but not too many Hasidic Jews or Senegalese! Though plenty of other fascinating cultures. Personally I hate the thought of us all ending up homogeneous, I get your point that over 100,000 years it might happen naturally, but I think that’d be a real shame - especially since we all know what the dominant part of that culture will be.
I get your point about rapid immigration - I think some European countries (like Denmark & Germany) have shouldered too much of the burden of the refugees pouring out of Syria etc (though nothing compared to countries like Jordan & Lebanon) - while countries like mine haven’t done our fair share. Our contribution in this regard has been shameful - so there’s another aspect of NZ that’s not so great. We congratulate ourselves on being welcoming though, & embracing diversity! Too many ignorant people who think there’s some sort of “queue” these people are jumping, or that we need to “focus on our own problems first”.
Anyway! Better get back to my Christmas baking with the 9-year-old 😊. Hope you have a good day today.
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Desperately seeking guidance
PARTNER WITH DEPRESSION IN MAKING ME LOSE THR WILL TO LIVE HELP!!
I just need advice 
