Have you been bullied? Often we don't realise it's happening

[marigold22]

I have very recently realised - it has dawned on me - that over my lifetime, I have been bullied, and even abused, a fair amount. By my mother - I now realise she was jealous of me, and was carrying a lot of guilt all her adult life (a very long story). By my father - who had OCD, was a very anxious man who didn't talk much, and was stressed out by his job. By work colleagues - in most of my jobs (and I've had a fair few). By my own son. Certainly by two ex husbands. By a variety of neighbours. Even by an IT guy who had come to mend my computer. And many others along the long and winding path of my life.

I had not realised it when it happened, or I just tried to shrug it off and get on with my life. I have now realised, at age 66, that some of the other people you have to cross paths with, have their own "agenda".

I certainly do acknowledge that there are many extremely lovely people who are kind, caring & generous.

But there is a minority of people who have bad traits. They could be jealous of you for some reason (your job, house, family, car, personality etc etc). They themselves could have an undiagnosed personality disorder and have to take aim at another person to make themselves feel good. You may have unintentionally upset someone, but that other person is incapable of discussing it in a rational manner to clear the air, and in turn behaves in a bullying and abusive manner towards you.

Yes - the world is a weird place to inhabit. I now feel like I'm constantly dodging "bullets" to keep myself safe and not go insane again.

Hopefully anyone reading this on this forum, will take time to stop and think back through their lives, thinking hard to recall all the abuse and bullying they have received over their lifetime. It is most likely to have been filed away in your sub conscious, so that you could simply get on with your life without worrying about that nasty person; or it was too painful to keep in your consciousness.

What effect did that bullying and abuse have on your mind, your emotions, and eventually your health? Our minds and bodies can only take so much before we crack, no matter how strong we think we are.

[Hidden]

Yep..I've realised now aswell..I also realised that it's not there fault, but mine..I won't change my personality, but from now on Im in control and I won't tolerate an inch of it from anyone..yes it made me crack, abusing myself now, with depression and anxiety..how dare anyone else..

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

I agree. It's being in control. However, I have found it difficult to be in control all of the time, sometimes it goes further than I should have let it go, as I don't realise it's happening until a little way into it.

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

Hidden You say "I also realised that it's not their fault". Are you saying / thinking that all the bullying, abuse, hurt you have received is your fault? I have difficulty understanding that.

[Hidden in reply to marigold22]

Yep.. exactly..looking back, i realised that I let it happen to me ..I should have taken control and defend myself ..I was weak in personality, too sensitive and nice and unfortunately I let them get away with it rather than saying hold on here..it was me that didn't act to stand my ground therefore I got walked all over..never again..its all about me now and how I deal with things..I accept people's personalities, but i won't let others cross me over again..I, now, won't let that happen..i call the shots at the end of the day not them..Im stronger and even nicer..from this i am learning to take responsibility for everything that happens in my life.. I am responsible for me and for my life, no one else..sorry am I making sense?

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

Yes you are making complete sense and I understand what you are saying. However, I was never taught by anyone how to prevent people from walking all over me or bullying me. I went to an all girls school which didn't actually tolerate any bullying, then I was let loose out in the big wide ugly world. I guess I was fortunate that I didn't experience any bullying until around age 25. And it has definitely ramped up from that age, getting bigger and bigger and more severe from around age 30. So sad, but, like you - it has definitely made me a stronger, wiser person. I must ask you though, how do you call the Shots? I have started calling the Shots, but people now don't recognise me. And they are confused !!!!

[Hidden in reply to marigold22]

What exactly is your situation..

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

I have very recently got rid of all my mental health symptoms by changing what I eat. I did have suicidal periods, agoraphobia, severe anxiety etc. It's a very l.o.n.g story (you can read it in my profile) but over the last 4 months, my self esteem, confidence, is back, and I know exactly who I am. If my son or a friend or one of my sisters says something whilst sitting chatting, and I find what they are saying offends me, I don't know how to handle it. Another example is - lately a neighbour 2 doors down has been drilling and hammering at 11pm... his noise comes through 2 houses and into mine. The lady who lives between him and me is going nuts with his noise, she leaves for work at 7.30am so has to go to sleep, in fact she is moving house because of him. After 4 months of his loud noise up to all hours of the night, and after the lady in the middle house had spoken to him, I went round to calmly say to him "do you realise that your noise is coming through 2 houses, and into mine?" He was abusive, revolting, accused both me and the lady living in the middle house of having mental health issues. I consider him to be a psychopath. Now whenever both he and I are outside, he stares me out and shouts at me. He was the one who was doing wrong initially - by making DIY noise late at night.

[Hidden in reply to marigold22]

Were you speaking with you neighbour before hand?..I would get upset too if I didnt speak with a neighbour and all of a sudden they come over and complain..next time you see him just tell him politely that you didn't mean to cause any commotion..and see what tone he replies back to you..If he starts yelling at you or gets angry then just say ok we'll leave it that..so now you know where you stand with that particular neighbour..have the upper hand..if he still continues to make noise at that hour you should call the police...in regards to family and friends, depends on how close and open you are with them..If you have formed a very open relationship and able to freely speak each others mind then why do you find offense..you have given them the trust..If not, and its like walking on eggshells around these particular people, then shut their confidence in offending you by telling them...tell them the reason and if they insist then tell them you won't put up with it..its about respect..but try not to be sensitive..stick to your grounds..and head up! Take control..and weigh things don't take little things to heart..be strong!..

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

Hi, you say that if you had not spoken with a neighbour and they came round to discuss calmly the fact that you were drilling and hammering at 11pm, you would be offended. I tried to discuss it with him before calling the police or the council. Isn't that what you are meant to do? Yes, I had spoken to that neighbour beforehand. He had knocked on my front door twice after he moved in in March 2017. He told me his 17 year old son was having a party, whilst he, the father, was in Ibiza for the week. I was a bit horrified that a 17 year old was being left on his own to have a party. That party did in fact go on til 4am, there was broken glass outside our 3 houses etc. I didn't complain. But when this new neighbour who is now staring me out knocked on my front door to tell me of the upcoming party, I smiled and said "I had a teenage son once, you may not have a home to return to" --- kinda being a bit amusing. That neighbour said to me :Oh well, I will just have to move into your house then won't I? I despised him from that moment. He reminded me of my ex husband, smarmy, trying to be 'charming', he definitely had an agenda.

[Hidden in reply to marigold22]

Ok sounds good at least they told you of the party..and yeah that's what teenagers do at house parties. .its up to you if you want to stay friendly with your neighbours or you can just not talk to any of them without causing dramas...my neighbour as long as I know her she doesn't even recognise who I am..she keeps to herself all these years..I respect that..its just the way her make up is..she doesn't bother me , I don't bother her...Just be cool calm and collected..easy!

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

I'm beginning to wonder if it's how I look, as a petite woman. I've always been slim, am around 5foot zero, used to look like Felicity Kendall. I'm now 66 years old and consider myself "old", am extremely happy and content being single (I can slob whenever I want), but I still get "hit on" by men. Would you believe that yesterday I bought a pretend wedding ring off ebay for a tenner? It's an extremely sad indictment of society when a 66 year old woman has to do that. Also I'm looking around for a cheap man's trilby hat to wear when driving. I was on the M5 yesterday, and it seemed to me that I was being bullied by testosterone filled men in their 4x4's, Audi's, Mercedes. They came right up behind me, sat on my tail, then overtook, sat alongside my car for about 10 seconds, then I hooted, and they either pulled right in front of me so I had to brake, or sped off. I truly am beginning to believe there is something about me that attracts bullies and psychopaths.

[Hidden in reply to marigold22]

There is nothing wrong with you..you are letting this get to you..just go your own way!..dont let others worry you..stand tall!

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

It seems to be constantly coming at me - my adrenaline level is up as I'm constantly expecting shyte to happen because it's happened for 30 years. I got extremely stressed out on the motorway on Monday, at the behaviour around me at 70mph

[sweetiepye in reply to marigold22]

Hi ,I'm in theUS and driving is the same over here especially by young men. I never make eye contact and that seems to help. They want a reaction. Try putting your cell phone to your ear so they think you are calling the police. Pam

[marigold22 in reply to sweetiepye]

If I'm really frightened, I put my hazard lights on. Or lean on the horn to warn others around me that there are dangerous drivers around. But by that time, my heart is racing!

[Denhans in reply to Hidden]

Hi, I strongly disagree that you say it was your fault, that you were abused... No way hose! I have been abused, sexually at the age of 7 years old... at 19 physically abused and mentally by my sons father....No way was that my fault. Some people take kindness for weakness. Bullies.. aggressive controlling and they prey on people they know they can get away with it! Please don’t blame yourself. 🌷🌷

[Jayde38]

Yes, I was bullied at work for 2 years. Nothing I did was ever right. I was often verbally chastised in front of subordinates. I was even allocated duties which I could not carry out due to my disability. When I challenged this I was once told that “you shouldn’t have applied for the job then”.

My manager doubled my workload from 12 cases to 24 and then removed my admin support. I had been using memory aids as part of a reasonable adjustment. However, one day I was informed that my equipment was opening the department up to a breach of confidentiality. I was no longer allowed to use them. Things gradually deteriorated until eventually I was being blamed for the mistakes of others.

All of this seriously impacted on my health and in the end I was forced to leave. I tried to sue my employer but when I asked colleagues to support my complaint they declined. My complaint to HR was dismissed and the Union felt it financially unviable to take them to court. However, I learned that once I’d left my colleagues became the new victims of my line manager. I bet they regret not supporting me now!

[marigold22 in reply to Jayde38]

The work place can become the biggest nightmare. After a few years of putting up with it, I just kept walking away. Of course that caused financial hardship, but for a few years I did have my sanity.But then other stuff happened.